Read all jokes from:
Thanksgiving (+129)
There was an old married couple that had happily lived together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband’s habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. He told her that he couldn’t help it. She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done but the husband wouldn’t hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn’t stop, he was one day going to “fart his guts out.”
The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband continued to ignore her warnings about “farting his guts out” until one Thanksgiving morning. Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed pumpkin pie, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey.
While she was taking out the turkey’s innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband’s problem. With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake. While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband’s jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband’s underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal.
Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud ass-trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom.
The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter.
He said, “Honey, you were right – all those years you warned me and I didn’t listen to you.”
“What do you mean?” asked his wife.
“Well you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got’em all back in.”
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Read all jokes from:
Thanksgiving (+129)
* As a blunt object to fend off your pesky cousins with.
* As a projectile to throw at the TV after Kathie Lee says, “Aren’t they a wonderful band!” for the 25th time.
* As a hood ornament.
* As a disguise so your ugly Aunt Harriet can’t kiss you and say, “How much you’ve grown!”
* As a football for the after-meal game.
* One word… bowling!
* Fill it with whip cream – watch the fun.
* An unexplored cavern for the new Barbie.
* A visual aid to explain to children where babies come from.
* Bury in the yard; for future midnight snacks.
* If you’re flying home, take the carcass as a carry-on. See what it looks like in the X-ray machine. Better yet, put it in a pet carrier and asked the flight attendant for some chicken feed.
* As yet another object to drop from the top of the dorm to test the range of the splatter upon impact.
* As a gift/bribe for a professor.
* As a Christmas gift (avoid the holiday crowds this way!)
* As a doorstop to keep your relatives out.
* Makes a great doggie chew toy.
* Wear as a helmet, declaring, “I’m TURKEYMAN!”
* Before serving, paste feathers on the poor naked creature.
* Secretly replace with Folgers turkey crystals.
* Place a speaker inside the bird, and from another room, amaze your guests with this talking fowl!
* Throw the turkey out the window yelling, “You’re FREE! Fly! FLY!”
* Two words: Turkey puppet.
* Toss the carcass into a turkey farm to intimidate next year’s stock.
* Attach to a fishing pole, slowly drive around the neighborhood in the back of a pickup and see how many dogs follow you.
* From a concealed location, toss in front of a passing car. When they stop, run out screaming that they hit your dog!
* As in an old murder mystery, question all the dinner guests in an attempt to discover who killed the guest of honor.
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Read all jokes from:
Thanksgiving (+129)
‘Twas the night before Thanksgiving and all through the kitchen
I was cooking and baking and moanin’ and bitchin’.
I’ve been here for hours, I can’t stop to rest,
This place is a disaster, just look at this mess!
Tomorrow I’ve got thirty people to feed!
They expect all the trimmings, who cares what I need!
My feet are both blistered, I’ve got cramps in my legs,
The dog just knocked over a bowlful of eggs.
There’s a knock at the door and the telephone’s ringing;
Frosting drips on the counter as the microwave’s dinging.
Two pies in the oven, dessert’s almost done;
My cookbook is soiled with butter and crumbs.
I’ve had all I can stand, I can’t take anymore;
Then in walks my husband, spilling rum on the floor.
He heaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady;
Then grins as he chuckles “The eggnog is ready!”
He looks all around and with total regret,
Say’s “What’s takin’ so long? Aren’t you through in here yet?”
As quick as a flash, I reach for a knife;
He loses an earlobe; I wanted his life!
He flees from the room in terror and pain,
And screams “MY GOD WOMAN, YOU’RE GOING INSANE!”Now what was I doing, and what is that smell?
Oh, jeeze, it’s the pies! They’re burned all to hell!
I hate to admit when I make a mistake,
But I put them on BROIL instead of on BAKE!
What else can go wrong? Is there still more ahead?
If this is good living, I’d rather be dead.
Lord, don’t get me wrong, I love holidays;
They just leave me exhausted, all shaky and dazed.
But I promise you one thing, if I live ’til next year,
You won’t find me pulling my hair out in here.
I’ll hire a maid, a cook, and a waiter;
And if that doesn’t work, I’ll have it all catered!
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Read all jokes from:
Q & A (+15915),
Thanksgiving (+129)
Q. What sound does a space turkey make?
A. hubble, hubble, hubble.
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Read all jokes from:
Thanksgiving (+129)
Keep your eye off the turkey dressing
It makes him blush!!!!
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Read all jokes from:
Thanksgiving (+129)
I heard Jeff Smith, aka The Frugal Gourmet, read this on the air. Apparently a letter from a viewer:
“I have had my turkey in the freezer for a year and a half. Will it take longer to thaw?”
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Read all jokes from:
Q & A (+15915),
Thanksgiving (+129)
Q: If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for?
A: Their age!
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Read all jokes from:
Q & A (+15915),
Thanksgiving (+129)
Q: What kind of music did the Pilgrims like?
A: Plymouth Rock!
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Read all jokes from:
Q & A (+15915),
Thanksgiving (+129)
Q: What’s the best way to stuff a turkey?
A: Serve him lots of pizza and ice cream!
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Read all jokes from:
Q & A (+15915),
Thanksgiving (+129)
Q: If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
A: Pilgrims!
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