Read all jokes from: Holidays (+1424)
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for him to go and have a good time. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.
She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behaviour.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, “Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.”
Then she asked, “Did you dance much?”
He replied, “I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I’ll tell you… the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!”
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Read all jokes from: Holidays (+1424)
Q: What kind of coffee does Count Dracula drink?
A: Decoffinated
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Read all jokes from: Holidays (+1424)
Q: Why couldn’t the witch have babies?
A: because her husben had a holloweeny
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Read all jokes from: Holidays (+1424)
Q: Why did the skeleton burp?
A: Because he had no guts to fart.
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Read all jokes from: Holidays (+1424)
10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
6. People say, “Great Keith Richards mask!” and you’re not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, “Trick or…” and can’t remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won’t dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You’re the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.
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Read all jokes from: Holidays (+1424)
‘Twas Halloween night as I leaped from my bed,
With thoughts of amusement going through my head.
Turned off my computer and thought as I may
Of vampires of old and vampires of today.
Of spooky old movies and Halloween parties,
Of course trick or treating (hope they don’t hand out Smarties).
And witches and ghosts and gravediggers, I fear,
So that old haunted house, I will never go near.
When you see spooky places, just take my advice,
And don’t go in rooms filled with ghosts, bats, and mice.
So don’t risk your life going looking for spooks,
Just go to a party with some good friendly kooks.
Or gather your family, carve a pumpkin and think
What to have your kids do, and go pick up a drink.
Tell a joke to your friends, but be careful, you’ll see
That a couple wrong moves might mean eternity.
Now put on that costume and dress yourself up.
You can be Ninja Nun or that RCA Pup.
But be very careful or else you might see
That ghosts and vampires aren’t really PC.
So now you can think, as you turn out that light
That there’s no such thing and that you are all right.
Look under your bed, though, and then you might see…
Nothing! We aren’t afraid of ghosts now, are we?
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Read all jokes from: Holidays (+1424)
What’s the difference between a ghoul and a goblin?
It has come to my attention that these words are being tossed around too easily, as if they meant almost the same thing. Let’s not get sloppy just because it’s almost Halloween.
Ghouls are the more disgusting of the two. They were evil spirits who robbed graves to eat the dead (This was before fast food hamburgers). The 19th century low-life grave robbers who provided doctors with fresh corpses on which to experiment were also called ghouls.
Goblins were frightfully ugly sprites who could be bad as bad can be, but sometimes were merely mischievous. The latter were often called hobgoblins. Some goblins were also said to come with old houses (and you thought crabgrass was a problem).
Why do we call people who turn into wolves “werewolves?”
Well, what would YOU call a person who turned into a wolf? Something respectful, I hope, if he were standing nearby.
The werewolf legend dates back at least to ancient Rome. The King of Arcadia was said to have been turned into a wolf when he sought to test the divinity of the god Jupiter by serving him a hash made from human flesh. Jupiter, who was probably partial to omelets, took offense and before you know it, the King was howling at the moon.
Oh, the word werewolf comes from the Old English, “wer,” meaning man. Yes, man-wolf sounds backwards, but what do you expect from a guy who walks around on all fours?
Why do pumpkins become jack-o’-lanterns on Halloween?
It all started with the Druids, a learned, priestly class among the ancient Celts. At their October 31 feast celebrating the end of summer, the spirits of the dead returned for a night. The Druids, the first ghostbusters, lit fires to keep away the unwanted guests.
In the early Middle Ages, the Church co-opted the holiday, making it All Saint’s Day (also called All Hallows Day and Eve, from which we get Halloween). It was brought to America in the 1840s by Irish Catholic immigrants, along with the holdover custom from pagan times of carrying a light to ward off evil spirits. In Ireland, candles had been placed in carved out potatoes to make jack-o’-lanterns. But in America, pumpkins were plentiful, and it was the light shining from them that told marauding spirits: hit the road, Jack!
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Read all jokes from: Holidays (+1424)
The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office.
“How was work, dear?” his wife asks.
“Listen! I don’t want to talk about work!” he shouts.
“Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?” she asks nicely.
“Listen!” he shouts again. “I’m not hungry! I don’t wanna eat! Alright! Is that alright with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? Huh?”
At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage.
Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, “Well, I guess it’s that time of the month.”
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Read all jokes from: Holidays (+1424)
Political correctness is taking its toll on Halloween. Consider some old Halloween activities, for example:
WITCH BURNING: Just singe one around the edges today and the ERA types will be on you like stink on shit. What 30 centuries of white male authors used to call witches, are today respected as complexion-impaired, wardrobe-challenged women.
WINDOW WAXING: These days you’ll only set off the light-, noise-, motion-, and aroma-sensitive burglar alarm, and quickly exit in cuffs and revolving lights, if you’re lucky enough not to leave prime filet of leg with the neighborhood rottweiler.
TRICK-OR-TREATING: This obviously would be prosecuted as a violation of federal RICO [racketeering] statutes, except that most of the perpetrators are juveniles, and thus have the civil right to thumb their noses at the law and be back on the street before the candy runs out.
And then there are the treats themselves:
Candy should be dispensed only with balancing doses of Ritalin, soft-bristle toothbrushes and an effective (but fluoride free) dentifrice.
Apples should be organic, Alar-free, union-packed, washed in genuine American Zephyrhills water, and X-rayed before being handed out. Any worms should be housed, fed, read their rights, then returned to their native soil, or, if they so choose, given refugee status in yours.
Certain traditional Halloween games are not politically correct:
That icky old “autopsy” game in which you blindfold little kids and tell them a plate of spaghetti is guts and a bowl of peeled grapes is eyeballs will cost you your homeowners insurance because of the choking hazard, and due to the risk of suits for emotional damage.
Pin the tail on the donkey, with a real pin? Uh uh, cruelty to animals, or their depiction, is a no-no.
Bobbing for apples is permitted, as long as there’s an equal (and not separate) opportunity to Jane for them, too.
Jill-o’-lanterns are encouraged, after 1999 they will be mandatory.
And, finally, costumes:
Ghosts are out of date. Casper is clearly a dead, white male, probably European, and full of hot air to boot.
Fairy princess costumes might offend both gays and feminists.
Frankenstein monster costumes will offend transplant recipients, not to mention employment-producing neck-bolt manufacturers.
Dracula outfits will bring stern warning letters from the Transylvanian consulate.
Those neat masks with jaws rotted away, eyes bulging on distended optic stalks and massive, oozing wounds will get you in trouble with lawyers who specialize in representing accident victims on contingency bases. Which is to say, all of them.
Disney costumes. Sleepy and Dopey will anger the vertically-impaired, Cinderella the adoption agencies, and Aladdin the Arab-American lobby. Uncle Remus? You might as well wear your robe and pointy hat. A cow person? Perhaps, but don’t pack a gun. And don’t even think about punching a cow.
So there you are. The scariest thing about Halloween these days is that you’re not allowed to offend or scare anyone. And if someone scares you, you can’t scream. In some communities, any auditory emissions over 75 decibels is a zoning violation punishable by a fine and/or jail term. Whether you can react instead with a sullen but non-denominational moment of silence will be considered later this term by the Supreme Court. Until then, do so at your own risk.
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Read all jokes from: Holidays (+1424)
* Still hasn’t forgiven Michael J. Fox for “Teen Wolf.”
* Newly installed keg of Nair in men’s room.
* His Wolfman Jack impression is eerily authentic.
* Five o’clock shadow appears around 8:30 am.
* Only *guy* you know who circles several days a month in red on his desk calendar.
* Says, “Great job on the Hanrahan account!” and then humps your leg.
* Domino’s guy asks, “who ordered the large Cheese and Raw Beef Special?”
* Adamantly refuses to drink Coors Light.
* In lieu of annual bonus, prefers a good scratching behind the ears.
* Suddenly sports a beard when mooned at office holiday party.
* Water cooler conversations always end with talk of “kickin’ Ol’ Yellar’s ass.”
* “Severance pay” has taken on a whole new meaning lately..
* Vending machine always out of Milk Bones.
* Your sarcastic little “Bite me!” nets you 12 stitches.
* Always calls in sick with “mange.”
* Coughs up a hairball during morning staff meeting.
* Has more hair on his back than you’ve got on your head, and he’s NOT ED ASNER!
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