Read all jokes from:Holidays (+1424)

Q. How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
A. He’s Dublin over with laughter!

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Read all jokes from:Christmas (+1021), Q & A (+15915)

Q: What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?
A: Crisp Cringle.

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Read all jokes from:Holidays (+1424)

SINKO DE MAYO

There are many stories related to the sinking of the “Titanic.” Some have just come to light due to the success of the recent movie.

For example, most people don’t know that back in 1912, Hellman’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England. The “Titanic” was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City.

The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today. It is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

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Read all jokes from:Halloween (+1180)

There was a costume party at a mental hospital; the theme of the party was “war”.
The first person comes up onto the stage and says, “I’m an atomic bomb.” He gets his applause and steps down. The second person comes up and says, “I’m a hydrogen bomb.” Again, there’s applause and he steps down.
And then a naked little man comes up to the stage and says, “I’m dynamite.”
Everybody runs away hysterically. When one of them is asked why, he says, “Didn’t you see how small his fuse was?”

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Read all jokes from:Holidays (+1424)

Q: Where do Santa’s reindeer like to stop for lunch?
A: Deery Queen for a Blizzard!

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Read all jokes from:Valentine's Day (+249)

15. My love for you… it came and went.
So your feet are now in wet cement.

14. I’m here To fulfill your fondest wishes
Now that your husband sleeps with the fishes.

13. Lie down with me — it’s my final offa,
Or you’ll be lying wit’ Jimmy Hoffa.

12. I picked up this card from a slim selection
But that’s all they offer here in witness protection.
Love, J. Doe

11. I’ve waited so long for you to be mine.
Now that Sinatra’s dead, be *my* Valentine.

10. Be my Valentine, and we can do it execution-style.

9. Cinderella got her fella, with a slipper made of glass;
So please be mine, Valentine, or I’ll have to whack your ass.

8. Violets are blue, roses are red,
I blew up your car — So why ain’t you dead?

7. The day we met, my little pet, I knew with just one look
You’d bear a son, and now that’s done, So shut your mouth and cook!

6. Hey.

5. Youse da greatest. Youse da best.
But you’re as untouchable as Elliot Ness.

4. Lust is fleeting, true love lingers.
Be mine always and you’ll keep your fingers.

3. Hope da chocolates is good, but y’know, dis ain’t really what a guy’s heart looks like.

2. Valentine, Dear, lend me a hand
So I won’t be a self-made man.

1. When a goon makes you die,
Cuz you told him goodbye — that’s amore!

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Read all jokes from:Christmas (+1021), Q & A (+15915)

Q: Why is a burning candle like being thirsty?

A: Because a little water ends both of them!

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Read all jokes from:Birthday (+99)

A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out….. a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house.

The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn’t shown up. After a half and hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all.

The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did mid-air flips, and leaped high in the air.

She spoke to the other bum and said, “What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!”

The other bum says, “Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. ‘HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?”

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Read all jokes from:Halloween (+1180), Q & A (+15915)

Q: What kind of makeup do ghosts wear?

A: Mas-scare-a.

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Read all jokes from:Christmas (+1021)

Twas the night before Christmas and one thing was clear…
that old Yuletide spirit no longer was here.
Inflation was rising; the crime rate was tripling;
the fuel bills were up, and our mortgage was crippling.

I opened a beer as I watched TV,
where Donny sang “O Holy Night” to Marie.
The kids were in bed, getting sleep like they should
or else they were stoned, which was almost as good.

While Ma with her ball-point was making a fuss,
’bout folks we’d send cards to who’d sent none to us.
“Those ingrates,” she thundered, and pounded her fist.
“Next year you can bet they’ll be crossed off our list!”

When out in the yard came a deafening blare.
‘Twas our burglar alarm, and I hollered, “Who’s there?”
I turned on the searchlight, which lit up the night,
and armed with my handgun, beheld a strange sight.

Some red-suited clown with a white beard immense
was caught in our eight foot electrified fence.
He called out, “I’m Santa! I bring you no malice!”
Said I, “If you’re Santa, I’m Telly Savalas!”

But, lo, as his presence grew clear to me,
I saw in the glare that it just might be he!
Called off our Doberman clawing his sleigh
and frisking him twice, said, “I think he’s ok.”

I led him inside where he slumped in a chair,
and he poured out the following tale of despair;
“On Christmas eves past I was jolly and chuckling,
but now ‘neath the pressures, I fear I am buckling.”

“You’ll note I’ve arrived with no reindeer this year,
and without them, my sleigh is much harder to steer.
Although I would like to continue to use them,
the wildlife officials believe I abuse them.”

“To add to my problem, Ralph Nader dropped by
and told me my sleigh was unsafe in the sky.
I now must wear seatbelts, despite my objections,
and bring in the sleigh twice a year for inspections.”

“Last April, my workers came forth with demands,
and I soon had a general strike on my hands.
I couldn’t afford to pay unionized elves,
so the misses and I did the work ourselves.”

“And then, later on, came additional trouble…
an avalanche left my fine workshop in rubble.
My Allstate insurance was worthless, because
they had shrewdly slipped in a ‘no avalanche’ clause.”

“And after that came an I.R.S audit;
the government claimed I was out to defraud it.
They finally nailed me for 65 grand,
which I paid through the sale of my house and my land.”

“And yet I persist, though it gives me a scare,
flying blind through the blanket of smog in the air.
Not to mention the hunters who fill me with dread,
taking shots at my sleigh as I pass overhead.”

“My torn-up red suit, and these bruises and swellings,
I got fighting muggers in multiple dwellings.
And if you should ask why I’m glowing tonight,
it’s from flying too close to a nuclear site.”

He rose from his chair and he heaved a great sigh,
and I couldn’t help notice a tear in his eye.
“I’ve tried,” he declared, “to reverse each defeat,
but I fear that today I’ve become obsolete.”

He slumped out the door and returned to his sleigh,
and these last words he spoke as he went on his way;
“No longer can I do the job that’s required;
if anyone asks, just say, ‘Santa’s retired!’”

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