Read all jokes from: New Year (+94)
1. To give it a Times Square feel, everyone is groped, fondled and pick-pocketed
2. The ‘Party Hats’ look suspiciously like stolen traffic cones
3. There’s a “Happy 1995″ sticker on the packete of shrimp you’ve been eating all night
4. It’s January 6th
5. Prison regulations require lights out at 10:00 pm
6. The guests have decided to start the midnight countdown at 10,000
7. At midnight everyone gathers around to watch your Uncle Earl’s pants drop
8. You hear a guy doing a count down before using the bathroom
9. The ‘Champagne’ tastes suspiciously like apple juice mixed with Alka Seltzer
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Read all jokes from: New Year (+94)
How sad, the year just passed! A year the past
Arose like smoke from deep beneath the rubble,
Pouring up through fissures in the heart,
Perhaps our own as much as those of others.
Year of hatred writhing in raw pain,
Near mad with certainty arrayed in faith,
Each aggrieved alight with righteous anger,
Whirlwinds swirling through their swathes of rage.
Yet let us in the new year look for justice,
Ever the rock on which to live in peace,
Administered with love for every soul,
Regarding every evil as our own.
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Read all jokes from: New Year (+94)
1. I will not buy magazines with AOL disks bound in just to get another 1.44MB disk.
2. I will stop sending e-mail to my roommate.
3. I resolve to work with neglected children…my own.
4. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm I answer my e-mail.
5. When I subscribe to a newsgroup or mailing list, I will read all the mail I get from it.
6. I will stay on the computer as long as I want. What? Okay, dear… I’m coming. Never mind.
7. No more downloads from alt.binaries.*
8. I resolve to back up my new 9GB hard drive daily…well, once a week…monthly, perhaps…
9. I won’t try to get onto the Netscape ftp site as soon as a new Navigator beta comes out.
10. I will try to figure out why I *really* need 7 e-mail addresses.
11. When I hear “Where do you want to go today?” I won’t reply “MS Tech Support.”
12. I will read the manual.
13. I will spend only one hour on the Net a day.
14. I will think of a password other than “password.”
15. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning.
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Read all jokes from: New Year (+94)
1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
3. Read less. Makes you think.
4. Watch more TV. I’ve been missing some good stuff.
5. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
6. Not date any of the Baywatch cast.
7. Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1.
8. Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine.
9. Not jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.
10. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
11. Not have eight children at once.
12. Get in a whole NEW rut!
13. Start being superstitious.
14. Personal goal: bring back disco.
15. Not wrestle with Jesse Ventura.
16. Not bet against the Minnesota Vikings.
17. Buy an ’83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system.
18. Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.
19. Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic words.
20. Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.
21. Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace.
22. Not eat cloned meat.
23. Create loose ends.
24. Get more toys.
25. Get further in debt.
26. Not believe politicians.
27. Break at least one traffic law.
28. Not drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.
29. Avoid transmission of inter-species diseases.
30. Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1,000 feet.
31. Stay off the MIR space station.
32. Not worry that the Y2K bug will cause the end of the world.
33. Get wired with high-speed net connections at home.
34. Not swim with pirhanas or sharks.
35. Associate with even worse business clients.
36. Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of them.
37. Wait around for opportunity.
38. Focus on the faults of others.
39. Mope about my faults.
40. Never make New Year’s resolutions again.
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Read all jokes from: New Year (+94)
Amaze your friends this New Year’s Eve by actually knowing the words to the song that everyone sings at midnight!
Should auld acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot and days of auld lang syne?
For auld lang syne, my dear, for auld lang syne,
we’ll take a cup of kindness yet, for auld lang syne.
Should auld acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot and days of auld lang syne?
And here’s a hand, my trusty friend And gie’s a hand o’ thine
We’ll tak’ a cup o’ kindness yet For auld lang syne.
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Read all jokes from: New Year (+94)
Happiness depends on more than years.
All one’s moments gather to a wave
Passing in a rolling swell of tears,
Passions too immense to name or save.
Yet New Year’s is a crest on which to sing,
Now poised between the future and the past.
Each awaits what course the fates may bring,
Winds that never touch the things that last.
Years turn and turn with an hypnotic grace
Even as the depths of life lie still.
Although above one cannot silence face,
Remember that below the divers will.
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Read all jokes from: New Year (+94)
Hope is often rented by the year.
A ceremony helps ensure the signing.
People like transitions to be clear,
Preferably at moments when they’re dining.
Yet as a rental flat can be a home,
No one wants to terminate this lease.
Each thinks hope too poor a risk to own
While needing its bright arc for inner peace.
Years therefore start with hope again renewed
Even as the old year’s wishes die.
After all the books have been reviewed,
Ring in the New Year!–with a gentle sigh.
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Read all jokes from: New Year (+94)
Hours mean no more or less than years.
A moment is a point with no dimension.
People count to undermine their fears,
Persuaded numbers lead to comprehension.
Yet time is an illusion of our motion,
No realer than the rising of the sun.
Each line we draw rests on a restless ocean,
Way, way beyond the scope of more than One.
Years do not begin and never end
Except for purposes of calibration.
A need to share our yearnings, friend to friend,
Requires just one point of celebration.
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Read all jokes from: New Year (+94)
How beautiful the turning of the year!
A moment artificial yet profound:
Point upon an arbitrary chart
Passing like a breath upon the heart,
Yearning with anticipation wound,
New hope harbored in old-fashioned cheer.
Even when the boundary line is clear,
We recognize the oneness of the ground.
Years, like circles, do not end or start
Except we lay across their truth our art,
Adjusting dates as they go round and round
Revolving to a tune long sung and dear.
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Read all jokes from: New Year (+94)
How sad, the year just passed! A year the past
Arose like smoke from deep beneath the rubble,
Pouring up through fissures in the heart,
Perhaps our own as much as those of others.
Year of hatred writhing in raw pain,
Near mad with certainty arrayed in faith,
Each aggrieved alight with righteous anger,
Whirlwinds swirling through their swathes of rage.
Yet let us in the new year look for justice,
Ever the rock on which to live in peace,
Administered with love for every soul,
Regarding every evil as our own.
114 views |
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