Read all jokes from: Hanukkah (+21)
RE: Chrismukah
Subject: UNEXPECTED MERGER
Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah will merge.
An industry source said that the deal had been in the works about 1300 years. While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides.
By combining forces, we’re told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is being called.
Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit.
As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreidel, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience. Also, instead of translating to “A great miracle happened there,” the message on the dreidel will be the more generic: “Miraculous stuff happens.”
In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts.
One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreo’s were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this.
Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance.
He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of “Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful.”
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Read all jokes from: Hanukkah (+21)
- Oy to the World
- Schlepping Through a Winter Wonderland
- Hava Negilah (The Megamix)
- Bubbie Yetta Got Run Over by a Reindeer
- Enough with Those God Damn Jingle Bells Already…Sheez!
- Matzo Man (by the Lower East Side Village People)
- I Have a Little Dreidel (the Barking Dog Version)
- Come on Baby, Light My Menorah
- Deck the Halls with Balls of Matzos
- Silent Night? I Should Be So Lucky!
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Read all jokes from: Hanukkah (+21)
The top 10 movie rental over the Hanukkah holiday vacation were:
10) Three Men And A Bubbie
9) A Few Hood Mentches
8) The Cohenheads
7) The Rocky Hora Picture Show
6) Shalom Alone
5) Goyz `N The Hood
4) A Gefilte Fish Called Wanda
3) The Wizard Of Oys
2) Who Framed Roger Rabbi?
1) Prelude To A Briss
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Read all jokes from: Hanukkah (+21)
Stan and John are walking to school one day and Stan is describing his new Playstation 2 to John. “Where did you get that?” John asked “I got it last night for Hanukkah,” said Stan. “What’s Hanukkah?” John asked.
“It’s the Jewish holiday where we get presents every night for eight nights to celebrate the festival of lights.”
“Wow, I wish we got that!” John exclaimed. The next day on the way to school John runs up to Stan, curious to see what he got. He sees that Stan is upset, “What’s wrong? Where’s your present from last night?” asks John.
Stan holds up a ball of crumpled wrapping paper, “It was leftovers night.”
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Read all jokes from: Hanukkah (+21)
It was Hanukkah and the tiny village was in fear of not having any latkes because they had run out of flour.
Rudi, the rabbi, was called upon to help solve the problem.
He said, “don’t worry, you can substitute matzo meal for the flour and the latkes will be just as delicious!”
Sheila looks to her husband and says, “Mortey…you think it’ll work?” and Mortey says,
“of course! Everybody knows…………………….
Rudolph, the Rab, knows grain dear!”
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Read all jokes from: Hanukkah (+21)
10. No roof damage from reindeer
9. Never a silent night when you’re among your Jewish loved ones
8. If someone screws up on their gift, there are seven more days to correct it
7. Betting Hanukkah gelt (the chocholate coins) on candle races
6. You can use your fireplace
5. Naked spin-the-dreidel games
4. Fun waxy buildup on the menorah
3. No awkward explanations of virgin birth
2. Cheer optional
1. No Irving Berlin songs
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Read all jokes from: Hanukkah (+21)
‘Twas the night before Chanukah
and all over the place
There was noise, there was kvetching
Soch ah disgrace!
The Kinderlach, sleeping,
uneasily felt
The chocolate rush
from the Chanukah gelt
And me in the easyboy,
so stuffed with latkes,
I stretched the elastic
which held up my gatchkes.
When up on the roof
(and it has a steep pitch)
A fat alte kakker
was making a kvitsch.
I jumped up real quick
and I ran to the door,
Was it a bandeet,
or only a schnorrer?
He wasn’t alone;
he had eight ferdelach,
And called them by name
as he gave a gebrach:
“On Moishe, on Yankel, on Itzik, on Sam,
On Mendel, on Shmendrik, on Feivush, on Ham;
My kidneys are kvelling;
do you give a damn?”
He had a white beard
and payyes to boot,
And to keep out the cold,
he had such a nice suit!
A second from Peerless,
I could tell at a glance,
But the cut was okay,
and so were the pants.
He was triple XL,
a real groisser goof,
So I yelled out,
“Meshuggener! Get off from Mein roof!”
He jumped down and said
as he shook hands with me,
“Max Klaus is the name.
You have maybe some tea?”
So I gave him a gleisel,
while he shook his white mop,
Mutt’ring, “Always the same thing,
They’re dreying my kopp!”
>From Vancouver to Glacer Bay,
Outremont to Reginek,
Every shmo in the world
hakks meir a cheinik!
They’re screaming for presents,
and challah with schmaltz,
And from Brooklyn alone,
the back pain, gevaltz!”
So we sat and yentehed,
and we spun the old dreydels,
(He took all of my money,
and one of my kanidels)
He said, “Business is not bad,
a living I make,
But I’m getting too old
for this Chanukah fake;
And the cell phones, you see
how my pacemaker dings?
For two cents I’d quit,
and move to Palm Springs?”
And he gave a geshrei
as he fled mit a lacht,
“Gut Yontiff to All,
Vey is Mir, Such a Nacht!”
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Read all jokes from: Hanukkah (+21)
RE: Chrismukah
Subject: UNEXPECTED MERGER
Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah will merge.
An industry source said that the deal had been in the works about 1300 years. While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides.
By combining forces, we’re told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is being called.
Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit.
As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreidel, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience. Also, instead of translating to “A great miracle happened there,” the message on the dreidel will be the more generic: “Miraculous stuff happens.”
In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts.
One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreo’s were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this.
Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance.
He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of “Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful.”
57 views |
|
|
Processing your request, Please wait....
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Read all jokes from: Hanukkah (+21)
- Oy to the World
- Schlepping Through a Winter Wonderland
- Hava Negilah (The Megamix)
- Bubbie Yetta Got Run Over by a Reindeer
- Enough with Those God Damn Jingle Bells Already…Sheez!
- Matzo Man (by the Lower East Side Village People)
- I Have a Little Dreidel (the Barking Dog Version)
- Come on Baby, Light My Menorah
- Deck the Halls with Balls of Matzos
- Silent Night? I Should Be So Lucky!
51 views |
|
|
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Read all jokes from: Hanukkah (+21)
The top 10 movie rental over the Hanukkah holiday vacation were:
10) Three Men And A Bubbie
9) A Few Hood Mentches
8) The Cohenheads
7) The Rocky Hora Picture Show
6) Shalom Alone
5) Goyz `N The Hood
4) A Gefilte Fish Called Wanda
3) The Wizard Of Oys
2) Who Framed Roger Rabbi?
1) Prelude To A Briss
50 views |
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