Q: Did you hear about the author elf?
A: He only wrote short stories!
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Read all jokes from:Christmas (+1021), Q & A (+15915)
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Read all jokes from:Christmas (+1021)
* “Has anyone ever told you you have beautiful knees?”
* “We don’t see many happenin’ ladies north of the Arctic Circle.”
* “That’s quite a set of ornaments you’ve got there.”
* “Just because a guy wears tights doesn’t mean he’s gay.”
* “One night with me, baby, and you’ll be sneezin’ tinsel.”
* “Why, yes, I am George Stephanopoulos.”
* “I can’t tell you how hard it is to be the only elf who’s Jewish.”
* “Not everything about me is tiny.”
* “That’s not Elmo, but don’t stop tickling.”
* “I’m down here!”
* “Just because I have bells on my shoes doesn’t mean I’m a sissy.”
* “I was once a lawn ornament for Brad Pitt.”
* “No, no, I don’t bake cookies. You’re thinking of those dorks at Keebler.”
* “You’d look great in a Raggedy Ann wig.”
* “I can eat my weight in cocktail wieners.”
* “I taught Santa everything he knows.”
* “I’m a magical being. Take off your bra.”
* “I’m free on Christmas Eve.”
* “Even Santa doesn’t make candy as sweet as you.”
* “I’ve got the keys to the sleigh tonight.”
* “You know what they say about guys with big ears.”
* “I get a thimbleful of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man.”
* “I have certain needs that can’t be satisfied by working on toys.”
* “I can get you off the naughty list.”
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Read all jokes from:Christmas (+1021), Q & A (+15915)
Q: How do cats greet each other at Christmas?
A: “A furry merry Christmas & Happy mew year!”
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Read all jokes from:Christmas (+1021)
‘Twas a month before Christmas
From my wife came the wail,
“Take out the garbage
And go get the mail.”
So I trudged to my mailbox
And what did I see?
Why, a miniature disc
And computer CD!
‘Twas a limited offer
From America Online,
I knew in a twinkling
That this deal was fine!
“Unlimited” access
for one little fee,
And if I didn’t like it
I could cancel it free.
So I plugged the thing in
And it just wouldn’t load,
The message said “Error!”
And something in code.
And this is when I
Started getting real nervous
So I waited four hours
For “Customer Service.”
This techno-geek helped me
To load and install it,
Then demanded the VISA
I keep in my wallet.
So I gave him my number
And what did I spy?
“Terms and Conditions” screens
Whistling by.
Then I got me a password
Now I’d surf the Net!
But I never hit waves,
Man, I never got wet.
I soon got so mad
I was shaking and dizzy
For my modem kept trying
But lines were all busy!
And all through the month
I kept trying this thing
But all I would hear
Was the “busy” sound ring.
So I called 1-800
And the AOL number
And waited on hold
‘Til I lapsed into slumber.
So I tried then to cancel
But where’s the address?
Somewhere in Virginia?
It’s anyone’s guess.
And several days later
I heard on the news
That 8 million people
Were trying to use
This AOL network
At the very same time
And that’s when this CEO
Weasel-necked Slime
Announced the solution
On how to log on,
Don’t hog the phone lines
And call in at dawn!
As you can imagine
This didn’t sit well
With lots of mad users
Who started to yell.
And soon the AG’s
Joined them in the attack,
“Give them their money
(Or at least part of it back)!”
And this Weasle-Man leader
Tried to calm down the throng:
“Hey, I wanted those refunds
For you all along!”
So in grandiose fashion
And a big press release
Members were told
How to get back their piece.
“Just call up this number
And ask for your money,”
But then something happened
That’s practically funny.
When you call up the number
(Don’t get in a tizzy)
You can’t get your refund
‘Cause the damn number’s busy!
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Read all jokes from:Christmas (+1021), Q & A (+15915)
Q: Why does Father Christmas go down chimneys?
A: Because they soot him!
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Read all jokes from:Christmas (+1021)
(To the tune of Walking in a Winter Wonderland)
Lacy things – the wife is missin’,
Didn’t ask – her permission,
I’m wearin’ her clothes ,
Her silk pantyhose,
Walkin’ round in women’s underwear.
In the store – there’s a teddy,
Little straps – like spaghetti,
It holds me so tight,
Like handcuffs at night,
Walkin’ round in women’s underwear.
In the office there’s a guy named Norman,
He pretends that I am Murphy Brown.
He’ll say, “Are you ready?”
I’ll say,”Whoa, Man!”
“Let’s wait until our women are out of town!”
Later on, if you wanna,
We can dress – like Madonna,
We’ll put on some eyeshade,
And join in the parade,
Walkin’ round in women’s underwear!
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Read all jokes from:Christmas (+1021), Q & A (+15915)
Q: Who brings the Christmas presents to police stations?
A: Santa Clues.
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Read all jokes from:Christmas (+1021), Office (+195)
To: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season
Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).
1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.
2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill).
3. Work requests are not to be filed under “Bah humbug.”
4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma’s house.
5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.
6. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.
In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.
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Read all jokes from:Christmas (+1021), Q & A (+15915)
Q: Why does Father Christmas go down chimneys?
A: Because they soot him!
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Read all jokes from:Christmas (+1021)
Keep that reindeer out of the house! It’s full of fleas!
You’d better stay out of the house, Rudolph – it’s full of fleas.
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