Q: What’s orange on the inside and clear on the outside?
A: A pumpkin in a plastic bag!
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Read all jokes from:Halloween (+1180), Q & A (+15915)
Q: What’s orange on the inside and clear on the outside? A: A pumpkin in a plastic bag!
Read all jokes from:Halloween (+1180), Q & A (+15915)
Q: What kind of street does a ghost like best? A: A dead end.
Read all jokes from:Groundhog Day (+40), Men vs. Women (+5687)
“I bet you don’t know what day this is”, said the wife to her husband as he made his way out the front door. The husband was perplexed, but was always a quick thinker: “Of course I do, my dear. How could I forget!?” With that, he turned and rushed to catch the bus for work. At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn’t wait for her husband to come home. The husband was smug when he returned from work, satisfied that he had recovered what could have been a very bad situation. His wife was indeed surprised: “First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!” she exclaimed, “I’ve never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!”
Read all jokes from:Christmas (+1021), Q & A (+15915)
Q: Did you hear about the author elf? A: He only wrote short stories!
Read all jokes from:Halloween (+1180), Q & A (+15915)
Q: How can you tell that a vampire likes baseball?
Read all jokes from:Q & A (+15915), St. Patrick's Day (+170)
Q: What did one Irish ghost say to the other?
Read all jokes from:Holidays (+1424)
A Little Leprechaun The teacher couldn’t get him to open his hand and sent him to the principal who also asked what he had in his hand. He was sent home with a note asking to see his parents, so his mom asked him what he had in his hand. Again came the reply, “It’s a little leprechaun, and if I open my hand he’ll get scared away.”
Read all jokes from:Halloween (+1180), Q & A (+15915)
Q: What do ghosts and goblins drink on Halloween? A: Ghoul-aid.
Read all jokes from:Halloween (+1180)
* When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check to see if it’s really dead. * If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church that was used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house move away immediately. * Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke. * Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out. * If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. * When you have the benefit of numbers, *never* pair off and go it alone. * As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles that open portals to Hell. * Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead. * If you’re searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it’s just the cat, *leave the room immediately if you value your life.* * If appliances start operating by themselves, move out. * Do not take *anything* from the dead. * If you find a town which looks deserted, it’s probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away. * Don’t fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you’re sure you know what you are doing. * If you’re running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely rambling along, it’s still moving fast enough to catch up with you. * If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible. * Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine. * If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. * Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions. * Don’t make fun of or play with dead things. * If you see a town that looks deserted except for children, do not try to ‘help’ them – they will eat you. * If you walk into the local abandoned-looking church to seek help or shelter, and you notice that the crucifix is mounted upside down, turn around and go back outside as quietly as possible. * Never have sex in the bunkbeds of recently renovated summer camps. * Whenever you land on a distant planet and find some objects that look like eggs, leave them alone. * Do not allow crewmates back aboard the craft if and after you have found a hideous parasite attached to his/her body. * Be forewarned that a gun is only good for ALMOST killing the monster, never for COMPLETELY killing it. Be sure to have an extra weapon, preferably one with a “flair” (a knife, a harpoon, a heavy box, razor confetti, pop tarts…) * Don’t open the closed door, especially if you hear scratching, heavy breathing, or the voice of a dear relative whom you THOUGHT was dead. * Never bathe, especially when in the house alone. * If you are a female, never show your breasts. Easy women die fast. * Never camp or build homes on Indian burial grounds. * If the phone lines are dead, and you hear footsteps upstairs, and you say “Tom… Tom is that you?” and Tom does not answer, run away. * If you have to run away, taking a bus is your best bet. If you take a car the monster will be in it.
Read all jokes from:Christmas (+1021)
* “Has anyone ever told you you have beautiful knees?” * “We don’t see many happenin’ ladies north of the Arctic Circle.” * “That’s quite a set of ornaments you’ve got there.” * “Just because a guy wears tights doesn’t mean he’s gay.” * “One night with me, baby, and you’ll be sneezin’ tinsel.” * “Why, yes, I am George Stephanopoulos.” * “I can’t tell you how hard it is to be the only elf who’s Jewish.” * “Not everything about me is tiny.” * “That’s not Elmo, but don’t stop tickling.” * “I’m down here!” * “Just because I have bells on my shoes doesn’t mean I’m a sissy.” * “I was once a lawn ornament for Brad Pitt.” * “No, no, I don’t bake cookies. You’re thinking of those dorks at Keebler.” * “You’d look great in a Raggedy Ann wig.” * “I can eat my weight in cocktail wieners.” * “I taught Santa everything he knows.” * “I’m a magical being. Take off your bra.” * “I’m free on Christmas Eve.” * “Even Santa doesn’t make candy as sweet as you.” * “I’ve got the keys to the sleigh tonight.” * “You know what they say about guys with big ears.” * “I get a thimbleful of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man.” * “I have certain needs that can’t be satisfied by working on toys.” * “I can get you off the naughty list.”
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