Read all jokes from: Food (+111)
A guy in a restaurant orders chicken noodle soup. He starts to eat the soup and chokes on a hair in the soup. After gagging for a minute, he calls the waitress. “I’m not paying for this soup. There was a hair in it.”
The waitress and customer get into a bit of an argument over the problem. The guy ends up storming out of the restaurant without paying. The waitress sees the guy go across the street to a house of ill repute. The waitress’s shift is over in about 15 minutes. She hurries over to the hooker house and finds out where the guy is.
The waitress crashes into the room where the guy and lady of the evening are engaging. As she walks in, the waitress sees the guy with his face in the hooker’s business area. The waitress, seeing this, says, “You wouldn’t pay for the chicken noodle soup because you found hair in it. Now look where your face is.”
The guy, upon pulling his face out of the muff, turns to the waitress and says, “And if I find a noodle in there, I won’t pay for that either!!!”
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A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon and set it on the table. The diner was impressed.
“Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?”
The waiter replied, “Yes. Ever since we had that efficiency expert out, he determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen.”
The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, “Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?”
The waiter replied, “Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend too much time washing our hands after using the men’s room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string to get my penis out, go, and return to work. Since I don’t actually touch myself, there’s no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time.”
“Wait a minute,” said the diner. “How do you get your penis back in your pants?”
“Well, I don’t know about the other guys, but I use the spoon!”
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Read all jokes from: Food (+111)
A guy in a restaurant orders chicken noodle soup. He starts to eat the soup and chokes on a hair in the soup. After gagging for a minute, he calls the waitress. “I’m not paying for this soup. There was a hair in it.”
The waitress and customer get into a bit of an argument over the problem. The guy ends up storming out of the restaurant without paying. The waitress sees the guy go across the street to a house of ill repute. The waitress’s shift is over in about 15 minutes. She hurries over to the hooker house and finds out where the guy is.
The waitress crashes into the room where the guy and lady of the evening are engaging. As she walks in, the waitress sees the guy with his face in the hooker’s business area. The waitress, seeing this, says, “You wouldn’t pay for the chicken noodle soup because you found hair in it. Now look where your face is.”
The guy, upon pulling his face out of the muff, turns to the waitress and says, “And if I find a noodle in there, I won’t pay for that either!!!”
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Read all jokes from: Food (+111)
This girl is feeling a bit down in the dumps and decides to treat herself to a meal at the Ritz. She manages to get a table that very night and enjoys a delicious meal on her own, nothing too extravagant but nice all the same.
The head waiter brings the bill and she’s horrified to see the total: 150 bucks!
She didn’t expect this at all and asks the waiter, “Would you mind holding my breasts while I write the check please?”
The head waiter is taken aback. In all his years in the job he’s never been asked that before, but always eager to please the customer, he obliges.
She gets up to leave and the waiter is still perplexed. His curiosity gets the better of him and he catches up with her at the door, “I’m sorry to bother you Miss but I’d like to know why you asked me to do that just now.”
“Oh it’s quite simple really,” she replies. “I love to have my breasts held when I’m being screwed!”
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Read all jokes from: Food (+111)
A man is crawling through the Sahara desert when he is approached by another man riding on a camel. As the rider approaches, the crawling man whispers through his parched lips, “Water … please … can you give … water …”
“I’m sorry,” replies the man on the camel, “I don’t have any water with me. But I’d be delighted to sell you a necktie.”
“Necktie?” whispers the man. “I need water!”
“They’re only four dollars apiece.”
“I need water.”
“Okay, okay, two for seven dollars.”
“Please! I need water!” the man exclaims.
“I don’t have any water, all I have are ties,” replies the salesman, as he heads off into the distance.
By now the man has lost all track of time, crawling through the desert seemingly for days. Finally, nearly dead, with clothes tattered and skin peeling under the relentless sun, he comes upon a restaurant. Summoning his last bit of strength, he staggers to the door and confronts the head waiter.
“Water … can I get … water,” the dying man pleads.
“I’m sorry, sir. Neckties required,” replies the waiter.
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Read all jokes from: Food (+111)
* We were test-marketing the new “McTrojan.”
* Condom, condiment–what’s the damn difference?
* It still tastes better than the “Arch Deluxe.”
* It was either there or in the vanilla shake.
* Turns out the rumors about Grimace and Mayor McCheese are true.
* We’re experimenting with a new, even happier “Happy Meal.”
* So what… a regular Big Mac is 60% latex anyway.
* Employees too embarrassed to say, “Would you like condoms with that?”
* Drive-thru speaker broken –”Coke with lots of ice” sounded like “prophylactic device.”
* When you’re serving billions and billions, you can’t be too careful.
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Definition of ‘Outdoor Barbecuing’ – the only type of cooking a real man will do.
When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion:
1. The woman goes to the store.
2. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, and places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a beer.
4. The man places the meat on the grill.
5. The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ‘her night off’. And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there’s just no pleasing some women.
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10. Eight hour lunch, two dollar tip.
9. Ask, “Excuse me, are you a really bad singer, or a really bad actor?”
8. After he describes each special, you shout, “Garbage!”
7. Whenever he walks by, cough and mutter, “Minimum wage”.
6. Every few seconds, yell, “More waffles, Cuomo!”
5. Insist that before ordering, you be allowed to touch the London broil.
4. Tie tablecloth around neck and say, “You wouldn’t charge Superman for dinner, would you?”
3. Every time you eat or drink, cough really hard.
2. As he walks by to the kitchen, scream, “He’s gonna spit in the chowder!”
1. Three words: eat the check.
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In January 1994, ‘The Economist’ magazine reported that one of Secretary of Energy Hazel O’Leary’s success stories about government research scientists hired out for civilian business uses was the Argonne National Laboratory’s helping McDonald’s to find a way to speed up french frying. A team headed by physicist Tuncer Kuzay, who interrupted his work on advanced photons, placed sensors inside the frozen fries and was able to design special frying baskets to deal with the effect of steam created by melting ice crystals and to cut 30 to 40 seconds off each batch’s frying time.
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A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.
Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn’t throw out the pest.
“Oh, I really don’t care or mind,” said the waiter with a smile. “We don’t even have an air conditioner.”
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