Read all jokes from: Farm (+52)
- Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife.
- You convince your wife that an overnight, out-of-state trip for equipment parts is a vacation.
- You wear specific hats to farm sales, livestock auctions, customer appreciation suppers, and vacations.
- You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife would let you in the house.
- You’ve never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket.
- You have used baling wire to attach a license plate.
- You have used a chain saw to remodel your house.
- You can remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, herbicide rate and yields on a farm you rented 10 years ago, but cannot recall your wife’s birthday.
- You have fibbed to a mechanic about how often you greased a piece of equipment.
- You have used a velvet leaf plant as toilet paper.
- You have driven off the road while examining your neighbors crops.
- You have borrowed gravel from the county road to fill potholes in your driveway.
- You have buried a dog and cried like a baby.
- You have used a tractor front-end loader as scaffolding for roof repairs.
- You’ve used the same knife to make bull calves steers and peel apples.
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Read all jokes from: Animals (+5195), Farm (+52)
A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says “Ok, old fellow, time to retire.”
The old rooster says “You can’t handle all these chickens… look at what it did to me!”
The young rooster replies, “Now, don’t give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and the young to take over, so take a hike.”
The old rooster says, “Aw, c’mon…just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won’t bother you.”
The young rooster says, “Scram! Beat it! You’re washed up! I’m taking over!”
So, the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, “I’ll tell you what, young fellow, I’ll have a race with you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop.”
The young rooster says, “You know I’m going to beat you, old man, just to be fair, I’m even going to give you a head start.”
They line up in back of the farm house, get a chicken to cluck “Go!” and the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is only about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what’s going on, grabs his shotgun and BOOM! he blows the young rooster to bits. He sadly shakes his head and says “Dammit, third gay rooster I bought this week!”
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Read all jokes from: Farm (+52)
TO MY WIFE: My overdraft at the bank. Maybe she can explain it.
TO MY BANKER: My soul. He has the mortgage on it anyway.
TO MY NEIGHBOR: My clown suit. He’ll need it if he continues to farm as he has in the past.
TO THE ASCS: My grain bin. I was planning to let them take it next year anyway.
TO THE FARM ADVISOR: 50 bushels of corn to see if he can hit the market. I never did.
TO THE JUNK MAN: All my machinery. He’s had his eye on it for years.
TO MY UNDERTAKER: A special request. I want six implement and fertilizer dealers for my pallbearers. They’re used to carrying me.
TO THE WEATHERMAN: Rain, sleet, and snow for the funeral please. No sense having good weather now.
TO THE GRAVEDIGGER: Don’t bother. The hole I’m in should be big enough.
TO THE MONUMENT MAKER: For the epitaph: “Here lies a farmer who has now properly assumed all of his obligations.”
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Read all jokes from: Farm (+52)
Farmer John had just walked into the local watering hole, when who should he see, but his old friend Chris the tractor salesman sitting up at the bar. Chris looked so down and dejected, that John just had to go up and say something to him.
“Say, Chris, how ya doing? How’s the tractor selling business these days?”
If Chris had looked sad before, at the mention of tractor sales, his face sank even more, and a tear came to his eye.
“John,” he said, shaking his head, “I don’t know what it is. I can’t sell a tractor these days to save my life. I’ll tell you, I just gotta sell one tractor and soon, or else I’ll lose that dealership for good.”
“Well,” John said, taking the barstool next to him, “If you think you got it bad, I got it worse. Now you listen to this…”
“I went out to the barn the other morning to milk Bessy. That ol’ cow gets more ornery as the years go by. Anyway, no sooner did I sit down on the milking stool and get to work, but ol’ Bes starts a slappin’ me with her tail. After a minute or so, I got fed up with it, so I threw a rope up over the rafters, and tied ol’ Bessy’s tail to the rafters. Then I got back to work. I didn’t even get two squirts into the bucket, when Bes gives me a kick. Knocked me clean off the stool! Boy, did that upset me! So I get me another rope an’ tie Bessy’s right hind leg to the side of the milking stall, and get a started trying to milk her again. Well by this time, Bessy’s about livid, and she doesn’t want any part of it, so she let’s me have it with her other hind leg. I wasn’t about to give in to this ol’ cow, so I got me yet another piece of rope and tied up Bessy’s left leg to the other side of the stall.”
Just then John paused to take a sip his beer. Chris, distracted for a Moment from his own troubles, asked John, “Well, did you finally get to milk her?”
“Well, yes and no, Chris. But I’ll tell ya what… If you can convince my wife that I was out there to MILK that cow, I’ll BUY a tractor from ya..!”
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Read all jokes from: Farm (+52)
A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.
“$10 for 3 minutes,” replied the pilot.
“That’s too much,” said the farmer.
The pilot thought for a second and then said, “I’ll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a
sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you’ll have to pay $10.”
The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, “I want to
congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man.”
“Maybe so,” said the farmer, “But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out.”
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Read all jokes from: Farm (+52)
Farmer John had just walked into the local watering hole, when who should he see, but his old friend Chris the tractor salesman
sitting up at the bar. Chris looked so down and dejected, that John just had to go up and say something to him.
“Say, Chris, how ya doing? How’s the tractor selling business these days?”
If Chris had looked sad before, at the mention of tractor sales, his face sank even more, and a tear came to his eye.
“John,” he said, shaking his head, “I don’t know what it is. I can’t sell a tractor these days to save my life. I’ll tell you,
I just gotta sell one tractor and soon, or else I’ll lose that dealership for good.”
“Well,” John said, taking the barstool next to him, “If you think you got it bad, I got it worse. Now you listen to this….”
“I went out to the barn the other morning to milk Bessy. That ol’ cow gets more ornery as the years go by. Anyway, no sooner did I
sit down on the milking stool and get to work, but ol’ Bes starts a slappin’ me with her tail. After a minute or so, I got fed up
with it, so I threw a rope up over the rafters, and tied ol’ Bessy’s tail to the rafters. Then I got back to work.
I didn’t even get two squirts into the bucket, when Bes gives me a kick. Knocked me clean off the stool! Boy, did that upset me! So
I get me another rope an’ tie Bessy’s right hind leg to the side of the milking stall, and get a started trying to milk her again.
Well by this time, Bessy’s about livid, and she doesn’t want any part of it, so she let’s me have it with her other hind leg. I
wasn’t about to give in to this ol’ cow, so I got me yet another piece of rope and tied up Bessy’s left leg to the other side of the
stall.”
Just then John paused to take a sip his beer. Chris, distracted for a moment from his own troubles, asked John, “Well, did you finally
get to milk her?”
“Well, yes and no, Chris. But I’ll tell ya what… If you can convince my wife that I was out there to MILK that cow, I’ll
BUY a tractor from ya..!”
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Read all jokes from: Farm (+52)
A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.
“$10 for 3 minutes,” replied the pilot.
“That’s too much,” said the farmer.
The pilot thought for a second and then said, “I’ll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you’ll have to pay $10.”
The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, “I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man.”
“Maybe so,” said the farmer, “But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out.”
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Read all jokes from: Farm (+52), Little Johnny (+648)
The Grade 1 concert is fast approaching and Johhny has still not decidied what he will do. Little Mary is going to do a piano solo, Timmy will recite a poem, but Johnny can’t come up with anything. Finally, his frustrated teacher is releived when he tells her he has worked out his act.
Come the night of the concert, all the proud parents fill the hall and watch as Mary, in her perettiest dress, tinkles the ivories to rapturous applause…
Then Timmy steps out in his best suit and recites his poems to the delight of the audience.
Finally, out comes Johhny, in check shirt, and denim overalls. He steps up to the microphone and says…
“Ladies and Gentlemen.
My uncle owns a farm and every holiday I visit him there. Tonight, I would like to share with you my impression of some of the many sounds I hear on my unlce’s farm. Here is the first… ‘JOHHNY! GET OFF THAT FUCKING TRACTOR!’”
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Read all jokes from: Blonde (+4664), Farm (+52)
Judi went to a “Dude Ranch” on vacation. The cowboy preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or English saddle.
Judi asked what the difference was.
“Well, one has a horn and the other doesn’t.”
“Just get the one without the horn. I don’t think we’ll run into too much traffic out here.”
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Read all jokes from: Farm (+52)
TO MY WIFE: My overdraft at the bank. Maybe she can explain it.
TO MY BANKER: My soul. He has the mortgage on it anyway.
TO MY NEIGHBOR: My clown suit. He’ll need it if he continues to farm as he has in the past.
TO THE ASCS: My grain bin. I was planning to let them take it next year anyway.
TO THE FARM ADVISOR: 50 bushels of corn to see if he can hit the market. I never did.
TO THE JUNK MAN: All my machinery. He’s had his eye on it for years.
TO MY UNDERTAKER: A special request. I want six implement and fertilizer dealers for my pallbearers. They’re used to carrying me.
TO THE WEATHERMAN: Rain, sleet, and snow for the funeral please. No sense having good weather now.
TO THE GRAVEDIGGER: Don’t bother. The hole I’m in should be big enough.
TO THE MONUMENT MAKER: For the epitaph: “Here lies a farmer who has now properly assumed all of his obligations.”
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