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You have a working television on top of a broken one.
You have accidentally taken a drink from your spit can.
You have all the “Dukes of Hazzard” episodes on tape.
You have an above ground pool and you fish in it.
You have an air-conditioner on your front porch.
You have an aunt-mom and uncle dad.
You have an autographed picture of Bob Barker in your wallet.
You have an Elvis Jell-O mold.
You have at least five hunting dogs in your bed at night.
You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.
You have barnyard animals living in your house.
You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
You have beer cans all over your yard.
You have borrowed gravel from the county road to fill potholes in your driveway.
You have buried a dog and cried like a baby.
You have driven off the road while examining your neighbors crops.
You have ever asked your dad for the keys to his Mack.
You have ever bar-b-qued Spam on the grill.
You have ever been asked to leave a yard sale
You have ever been evicted from a place you own.
You have ever been in a funeral where the flower truck was a pickup, particularly if it belonged to one of the family, more particularly if it was yours.
You have ever been shot at by the law.
You have ever been to drunk to walk, and drove home.
You have ever been too drunk to fish.
You have ever carried leftovers home in your handbag.
You have ever come home and heard a ruckus in the bathroom. When you looked in, one of the injured fowl had escaped, found the chicken in the mirror, and was currently fighting with said chicken.
You have ever decorated a birthday cake with a caulk gun.
You have ever dug up your driveway to fix your water line.
You have ever financed a tattoo
You have ever had a special loaded gun by the back door only for use on possums.
You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.
You have ever had deer graze in your front yard close enough to the house that you could throw a rock and hit them.
You have ever had to climb up on the roof of an out building to get down any fowl that was frozen to the roof.
You have ever had to get up quickly in the morning in order to let the goat out before she dropped raisins on the kitchen floor.
You have ever had to gift-wrap a tire.
You have ever had to stop at a car wash on the way to a funeral to wash the dump dirt from the back of your pickup so you can use it as a flower truck.
You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife would let you in the house.
You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the bar-b-q grill to light.
You have ever made a frog-gigging spear.
You have ever mowed the grass and found a car.
You have ever opened a beer bottle with your truck door.
You have ever peed in the sink cuz your mom was hogging up the outhouse.
You have ever removed the 3-9 zoom scope from your deer rifle to use at a KISS concert.

The following is a pre-approved posting whose purpose is to offer insight and advice to Northerners moving South.

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed on how to use it shortly. Seriously.
Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean Southerners can. Please stay home the two days of the year it snows. Your life depends on it.
If you do run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel pick-up with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
You can ask Southerners for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you’re better off trying to find it yourself.
Remember: Y’all is singular. All y’all is plural. All y’all’s is plural possessive.
Get used to hearing, “You ain’t from around here, are you?” Well, ’cause you ain’t from here! We can tell!
Don’t be worried that you don’t understand anyone. They don’t understand you, either.
The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner’s vocabulary is the adjective “big ol”, as in ‘big ol truck’ or ‘big ol boy’.
As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55-mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember: ALL Southern folks learned to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, “Hey, y’all, watch this!” Stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say, or worse still, that you will ever hear.
Most Southerners do not use turn signals; they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was already turned on when the car was purchased.
If it can’t be fried in bacon grease, it ain’t worth cooking, let alone eating. Country ham, Country Fried Steak, Collard Greens
The wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until December. The clothes you brought for December, your neighbors will be wearing in September. “Dang it, it sure is cold out, y’all!”
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store. It is just something you’re supposed to do. Everyone will be there buying milk and bread. Nothing else, just milk and bread, preferably white as in Sunbeam.
Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one, it is positioned directly in front of the house. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the house, and should, therefore, be prominently displayed. Dishes are required, after all, to get maximum access to stock car racing and fishing shows.
Be advised that in the South, “He needed killin’!”, is a valid defense. Especially when directed at Yankees, all y’all! Ack!

There are more than five McDonald’s bags currently on the floorboard of your car.
There are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog.
There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.
There have ever been any gun parts, magazines, or ammunition stored on the window ledge of your kitchen. Particularly if they have if they have laid there long enough for the sun to bleach the paper on the shotgun shells.
There is a blaster rack in the back of your land speeder.
There is a gun rack on your bicycle.
There is a restraining order on your pets.
There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
There is a wasp nest in your living room.
There is anyone named Cletus in your family.
There is bungee cord holding your bumper on to your car.
There is more carpet on your toilet than on your floors.
There is more oil in your cap than in your car.
There is trophy in your house with the word “spitting” on it.
There’s a pothole in the road and you swerve to hit it.
There’s an expired license plate hanging on your living room wall.
There’s graffiti on the bathroom wall in your own house.
There’s no cutoff age for sleeping with your parents.
They just raised the drinking age in your state to 32 on account of they wanted to keep alcohol out of the schools
Think “loading the dishwasher” means getting your wife drunk.
Think foot ball is kicking someone in the balls
Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.
Tonight’s supper was too slow crossing the road this morning
Truck drivers tell your wife to watch her language.
Turning on your lights involves pulling a string.
Warp drive describes the condition of your car.
When a sign that says “Say No To Crack!” reminds you to pull up your jeans.
When describing your kids, you use the phrase “dumb as a brick.”
When finally mowing your lawn, you find an engine block you didn’t know was there.
When someone asks to see your kids you show them the goats.
When the back fills up with empty beer cans, you get another pickup and start all over again.
When you brought your baby home, it slept in a dresser drawer.
When you buy your new bride a burned down trailer and tell her you’re gonna “fix it up a little”
When you hear someone talking about the king you don’t know whether they’re talking about Elvis or Richard Petty.
When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is you can lose them or not.
When you put your hunting boots on you only get them on the right feet 50% of the time.
When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank.
When you say, “Let’s hit the hay,” you actually MEAN it.
When you take your trash to the dump and you return home with more stuff than you left with.
When you think of the planet Saturn you think of your mother-in-law at the same time.
When you walk your dog you both use the same tree.
When you were little, your front yard got toilet papered and your momma thought it was a gift from God.
When you were younger you sold fresh, cold pee as ice-cold lemonade.
When your wife walks in front of you it looks like two pigs fighting in a gunny sack.

1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Florida driver never uses them.

2. Under no circumstance should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

4. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will result in you being rear-ended.

5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork, especially someone from Florida or Georgia. With no-fault insurance the other guy doesn’t have anything to lose.

6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it’s a chance to stretch your legs.

7. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It’s a good way to prepare for people entering the highway.

8. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as a suggestion and are apparently not enforceable in any County during rush hour.

9. Just because you’re in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn’t mean that a Florida driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn’t think he can go faster in your spot.

10. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire. This is seen as a sign of respect for the victim.

11. Learn to swerve abruptly. Florida is the home of high-speed slalom driving.

12. It is traditional in Florida to honk your horn at cars that don’t move the instant the light turns green.

13. Remember that the goal of every Florida driver is to get there first by whatever means necessary.

14. In Florida, ‘flipping someone the bird’ is considered a polite salute. This gesture should always be returned.

Zek and Luke went to a trucking company to apply for a “Team” truck driving job. The personnel manager decided, after talking to them both that they weren’t the sharpest knives in the drawer. He decides to interview them separately. He first interviews Zek. After 15 minutes he completes the interview. Zek barely passes. Next he interviews Luke. He begins by asking the usual transportation related questions. Luke also barely passes.
The personnel manager next interview them together. He presents them with this potential problem: Now Zek and Luke, lets say that you two are a driving team. One of you is driving the rig and the other is asleep in the back. You are going down this very steep hill with sixty thousand pounds of steel on the truck. All of a sudden your breaks go out and your speed is increasing. What would be the first thing you’d do ?
About a minute passes and there was no answer. Then, all of a sudden Luke spoke up.
“I know, I know, I know the first thing I’d do”. The personnel manager says “yes Luke, what is the first thing you’d do?” Luke says, “I’d wake Zek up.” The personnel manager replies, “WHAT ! “Why would wake Zek up ?”
Coos, says Luke, “He ain’t never seen no big accident before!”

© 2015