Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6998)
If Microsoft were Jewish:
1. Your PC would shut down automatically on Friday evenings.
2. Your “Start” button would be replaced with a “Let’s go. I’m not getting any younger.” button.
3. RETRY would be replaced with “You vant I should try again?”
4. When disconnecting external devices from your PC, instructions would say “Remove from your PC’s tuchis the cable “.
5. Your CD player would be labelled “Nu, so play my music already.”.
6. You would hear “Hava Nagila” during startup.
7. SCANDISK prompts you with, “You vant I should fix?” message.
8. When your PC is mult-tasking, you would occasionally hear an “Oy Gevult.”
9. Manischewitz would advertise that its “monitor cleaning solution” gets rid of the “schmutz” on your screen.
10. After 20 minutes in an idle state, your PC would go “Schloffen.”
11. All computer viruses would be cured with chicken soup.
12. After your computer dies, you would have to dispose of it within 24 hours.
13. Internet Explorer would have a spinning “Star of David” in the upper right corner.
14. A screen saver for channukah will be “Flying Draidles”.
15. High capacity DVB’s (digital video bagels) would supercede CD-ROM’s
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6998)
A Polish town had just one cow to its name and its milk ran dry. The townsfolk did some research and bought a replacement cow from Minsk for only 1,000 rubles. It was a great cow, gave lots of milk and lots of cream. Everybody loved it.
Then the people decided they would mate the cow and get more cows and would never again have to worry about their milk supply. They bought a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture. But things were not that easy – when the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow moved to the left and when the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on all day.
In desperation, the people asked their rabbi what to do – he was very wise.
“Rabbi, we’ve tried all day to mate our cow, but when the bull moves in from the right the cow moves left, and vice versa. What shall we do?”
The Rabbi said to them, “Nu, why did you buy a Minsk cow?”
“Rabbi,” they said, “you are so wise. We never told you that we bought the cow from Minsk. How did you know?”
The Rabbi said, “My wife is from Minsk.”
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6998)
A blind man is sitting on a park bench. A rabbi sits down next to him. The rabbi is chomping on a piece of matzah.
Taking pity on the blind man, he breaks off a piece and gives it to the blind man.
Several minutes later, the blind man turns taps the rabbi on the shoulder and asks, “Who wrote this junk?”
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Read all jokes from: Italian (+653)
Have you heard about the new Italian tyres?
Dago round, Dago through mud, Dago through snow, Dago everywhere. And when they go flat, Dago Wop, Wop, Wop, Wop!
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6998)
A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Chanukah cards. She says to the clerk “May I have 50 Chanukah stamps please.”
“What denomination?,” says the clerk.
The woman says “Oy vay, my g-d, has it come to this? Okay, give me 6 orthodox, 12 conservative and 32 reform!”
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Read all jokes from: America US (+264)
Q: What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas, and a hurricane in Florida have in common?
A: Somebody’s fixin’ to lose them a trailer.
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Read all jokes from: Ethnic (+694)
Two Auburn fans are walking in the woods. One says, “Look! A dead bird”
…the other one looks up into the sky and says, “Where?”
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6998)
“How do you prevent your bagels being stolen?”
“I put lox on them.”
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Read all jokes from: Italian (+653)
Top Ten Hilarious Pranks In The Mafia
10. Tell a guy you’re going to shoot him, then kill him with a brick.
9. Tape sign to informant’s back that reads: “Whack me.”
8. The old “non-drying cement shoes” gag.
7. Put body in big paper bag, place it on somebody’s doorstep, light it on fire, ring doorbell, run away.
6. Phone local teamsters office, say, “This is Jimmy Hoffa–any messages for me?”
5. Call up Domino’s; order a pizza for Mr. Foghead A. Boutit.
4. The old severed finger in the hot dog bun trick.
3. Replace someone’s “Godfather” tape with a Teletubbys video.
2. Instead of horse’s head, rig it so somebody wakes up next to linda trip
1. Three words: squirting pinkie rings.
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Read all jokes from: Ethnic (+694)
Only in America…can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance…
Only in America…are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink…
Only in America…do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke…
Only in America…do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters…
Only in America…do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage…
Only in America…do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place…
Only in America…do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight…
Only in America…do we use the word “politics” to describe the process so well: “Poli” in latin meaning “many” and “tics” meaning “blood-sucking creatures”…
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