Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6996)
Naomi is out shopping in Waitrose supermarket in Brent Cross. As she goes down the aisles putting things into her trolley, she hums and sings to herself. She is still singing as she reaches the check out desk.
“My, you seem to be happy today,” says the cashier.
“Yes I am,” replies Naomi, “and I have every reason to be. Ive got a beautiful house in Mayfair, I’ve three handsome sons, all doctors, my bank account is extremely healthy and my husband Abes life is insured for $5M.”
“I’m glad to hear it,” says the cashier.
“Yes, and that’s not all,” says Naomi, “my Abe is not in the best of health.”
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6996)
Harry had some shopping to do at John Lewis department store. He walked into ladies wear, went up to the lingerie counter and quietly said to the women behind the desk, “I’d like to buy a bra as a present for my wife.”
“Of course, sir, what type of bra would you like to buy?” she asked.
“What type?” replied Harry, “do you mean to say there is more than one type?”
“Of course. Let me explain,” she said and began to show Harry bras in a variety of shapes, sizes, colours and materials. Harry looked bewildered.
“There’s no need to be confused,” she said, “there are really only four types of bra.”
When Harry asked her what the four types were, she replied, “The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, the Presbyterian type and the Jewish type.”
Still confused, Harry asked, “What are the differences between them?”
The saleslady answered, “The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and the Jewish type makes mountains out of mole hills.”
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6996)
Moishe, a medieval Jewish astrologer, prophesied that the king’s favourite mistress would soon die. Sure enough, the woman died a short time later. The king was outraged at the astrologer, certain that his prophecy had brought about the woman’s death. He summoned Moishe and commanded him, “Prophecy, tell me when you will die!”
Moishe realized that the king was planning to kill him immediately, no matter what answer he gave. “I do not know when I will die,” he answered finally. “I only know that whenever I die, the king will die three days later.”
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Read all jokes from: Italian (+654)
How many Italians does it take to grease a car?
Just one if you hit him right!
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6996)
Sadie’s husband Bernie didn’t come home from work one day. She was a bit worried because she had not received any calls from him to say he’d be late. She rang Bernie’s office, but there was no reply and she rang Bernie’s mobile, but it was switched off. By 9pm, she was very worried. She rang all the people who might have known where he was, but nobody knew. At 10pm, she decided to go to the police station and report him missing.
When she got there, she told the duty officer, “I don’t know what to do. My husband Bernie didn’t come home from work today. I can’t live without him. Please help me.”
“OK, madam, ” he replied, “calm down. I just need you to answer a few simple questions.”
“Ask away, ” she replied.
“First of all, can you describe him for me? I need this so we can put out a search for him.”
“Well, officer, he’s 52 with brown eyes and dark brown hair – what’s left of it. He’s well built – well that’s not strictly true, he’s quite fat really, and he sweats a lot. He’s also got what I call an aggressively loud voice. He’s got two missing front teeth… .he wears thick old fashioned glasses… .and he’s… wait a minute officer, I’ve had second thoughts, maybe you shouldn’t bother looking for him.”
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6996)
Rebecca is nine years old and is doing her homework. Suddenly, she gets up, goes to her father and says, “Daddy, could you please tell me what ‘frugal’ means.”
“Yes, of course, replies her father, “it means something like – to save.”
Rebecca thanks him and goes back to her homework. Later, her father goes over to see how she’s getting on. He’s reading her story when he comes across the following: -
‘The beautiful princess Sarah slipped on the wet grass and fell into the lake. As she couldn’t swim she starting shouting out, “Frugal me. Oh please, someone frugal me.”
Luckily for princess Sarah, the handsome prince David was riding by and he quickly frugalled her. They then lived happily ever after.
The End.’
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6996)
Monty is in John Lewis department store to buy his wife Leah a 70th birthday present. He looks around the Lingerie department and decides to buy some sheer lingerie for her. So he goes over to a salesgirl to explain what he wants. She shows him many different types ranging in price from $35 to $280. The most sheer item is, of course, the most expensive, but as nothing is too good for his Leah, he chooses the $280 item. He pays for it and the salesgirl gift wraps it nicely for him.
When he gets home, Monty kisses Leah and says, “Happy birthday, darling, this is for you.”
Leah opens the package, smiles and says, “Thanks for such a nice surprise.”
“I’m glad you like it,” says Monty, “why don’t you put it on now and model it for me?”
“OK,” she says and goes upstairs with her present. But as soon as she sees the receipt, which Monty had forgotten to remove from the bag, she says to herself, “It’s really such a waste of money. Its so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I wont need to put it on – Monty won’t notice if I do the modelling naked. Then I can return it tomorrow and keep the $280 refund for better things.”
Soon, Leah comes downstairs, naked, and starts to do some poses for Monty. Monty looks carefully at Leah and says, “Oy vay! For $280, you’d have thought they would have ironed it for me.”
PS Monty never saw the frying pan as it hit him behind his head. The levoyah is on Thursday.
levoyah: funeral
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6996)
God wanted to have a holiday, so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on where to go.
“Why not go to Jupiter?” asked St. Peter.
“No, too much gravity, too much stomping around,” said God.
“Well, how about Mercury?”
“No, it’s too hot there.”
“Okay,” said St. Peter, “What about Earth?”
“No,” sighed God, “They’re such horrible gossips. When I was there 2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they’re still talking about it.”
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6996)
Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American Princess horror movie?
A: It’s called “Debbie Does Dishes”.
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6996)
A woman stopped by at her son’s house,rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law on the couch,totally naked. Soft music was playing,and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
What was a nice Jewish girl like her doing lounging around naked? she thought…
“What are you doing?” she asked.
“I’m waiting for my husband to come home from work” the daughter-in-law said.
“But you’re naked!” the mother-in-law exclaimed.
“This is my love dress” the daughter-in-law explained.
“Love dress? But you’re naked!”
“My husband loves me to wear this dress” she explained. “It excites him no end.Every time he sees me in this dress,he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours. He can’t get enough of me”
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to
arrive. Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.
“What are you doing?” he asked.
“This is my love dress,” she whispered,sensually.
“Needs ironing,” he said. “What’s for dinner?”
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