Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6996)
Cohen showed up at synagogue one Saturday and the rabbi almost fell down when he saw him. Cohen had never been seen in a synagogue in his life.
After Services, the rabbi caught Cohen and said “Mr. Cohen, I am so glad you decided to come here.
What made you come?”
Cohen said, “I got to be honest with you, Rabbi, a while back, I misplaced my favorite hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that Levy had one just like mine and I knew that Levi came to Services every
Saturday.
I also knew that Levy takes off his hat during Services and he leaves it in the back of the sanctuary. So, I was going to leave after the SHMAH and steal Levi’s hat.”
The rabbi said, “Well, Cohen, I notice that you didn’t steal Levy’s hat.
What changed your mind?”
Cohen said “Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 commandments, I decided that I didn’t need to steal Levy’s hat.”
The rabbi gave Cohen a big smile and said “After I talked about Thou Shalt Not Steal’ you decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell, right?”
Cohen shook his head and said “No, Rabbi, after you talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’
I remembered where I left it.”
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Read all jokes from: Ethnic (+692)
Q. Where was OJ headed in the white Bronco
A. To Tuscaloosa…he knew the police would never look for a Heisman Trophy winner there!
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6996)
The school teacher’s prize
Angela was nearing 60 and was in her final year of teaching. She was a devout Christian who missed teaching from the Bible. Because she was worried at how little her class knew about religion, Angela decided she was going to disregard the new regulations and teach some religion. She told her class that she would run a contest. She would give $100 to whoever could tell her who was the greatest man who ever lived.
Immediately Moishe began to wave his hand, but Angela ignored him in favor of those in her Sunday school class. As she went around the room, Angela was disappointed with the answers she got. Jane, her best scholar, picked Noah because he saved all the animals.
Others said, “I think the greatest man who ever lived was Alexander the Great because he conquered the whole world.” and “I think it was Thomas Edison, because he invented the light bulb.”
Finally, she called on Moishe who still had his hand in the air.
“I think the greatest man who ever lived was Jesus Christ.” said Moishe. Angela was shocked but still gave him the $100 reward. As she did so, she said, “Well, Moishe, I’m very surprised that you should be the only one with the right answer. How come?”
“Well, to tell you the truth,” Moishe replied as he pocketed the money, “I think it was Moses, but business is business.”
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Read all jokes from: Alabama (+375)
Q. What’s a seven course meal at Auburn?
A. A possum and a six-pack.
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6996)
Rabbi Bloom had just accepted a junior role at a NW London synagogue for his first posting. The senior Rabbi there, Rabbi Gold, was well loved by his congregation and considered to be very wise with a wicked sense of humour.
One day, not long after he joined, Rabbi Bloom said to Rabbi Gold, “You know I told you during my interview that I had won many prizes in the Yeshiva for my sermons? Well, I don’t think there is a subject in the world that I could not instantly find a Biblical text for and then incorporate it into a sermon.” Rabbi Gold couldn’t help but decide to put him to the test.
“Rabbi Bloom,” he said, “I want you to give my sermon next Shabbos. But there will be no need to prepare it in advance. Instead, when you get into the pulpit, you will find a sealed envelope and inside the envelope will be a single sheet of paper on which I will have written a one-word topic. I challenge you to find any kind of text that will fit.” Rabbi Bloom thanked Rabbi Gold for the opportunity and said he looked forward to the challenge with relish.
The day came. Rabbi Bloom walked up the stairs to the pulpit, opened the envelope, looked at the sheet of paper on which was written “constipation”, and started his sermon. “And Moses took the two tablets and went off down the mountain… ..”
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6996)
Q: What does a Jewish Princess make for lunch?
A: Reservations
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Read all jokes from: Alabama (+375)
A guy went to Tuscaloosa and picked up one of those new Mercedes. He was testing it out in the parking lot, turned on the radio and nothing happened.
Furious, he demanded to see the sales manager, and told him “When I buy a $50,000 car I expect the dang radio to work.”
The sales manager explained to him that the radio had been programmed to his voice and all he had to do was tell the radio what he wanted to hear.
He got back into the car and said “Country music,” and old Willie Nelson started singing. “Rock and roll,” he exclaimed, and immediately Elvis started crooning. “Easy listening,” he remarked, and all at once it sounded like he was in an elevator. He was relaxed, driving up I-59 to Birmingham, and listening to smooth sounds.
Then a pickup truck with two good ole boys almost ran him off the road. “Stupid rednecks!” he screamed. The radio immediately blurted out, “TOUCHdooooooooown AllaBAAAAAAAmaaa!!!!”
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Read all jokes from: Italian (+654)
Two Italian construction workers were in the field on anextremely hot day working.. the one says to the other “heyhow come we do all a da work and he gets all a da money?” pointing to the supervisor. The other says, “I don’t know, go ask him.” So Guido goes up to the supervisor and says “Hey, how comewe do all a da work and you get all a da money?” The supervisor says “Intelligence”. Guido says “what is this intelligence?” The supervisor puts his hand on a tree and says “Hita myhand as hard as you can!” Guido winds up and with all his might tries to hit thesupervisors hand. Just as he almost does the supervisorpulls his hand away and Guido hits the tree! The supervisorsays “That’s intelligence”. Still smarting Guido goes back to his co-worker and hisco-worker says “Hey what did he say?” With a sheepish look on his face Guido puts his hand on hisface and says “hita my hand as hard as you can…”
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6996)
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the very handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring He replies:
“I have a question to ask you, but I don’t want to offend you”
She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.
Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.” She responds,
“Well, let’s see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.” The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!
OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.” The nun fulfils the cab
driver’s fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
“My dear child,” said the nun, why are you crying?”
“Forgive me but I have sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.” The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Eric and I’m going to a Halloween party
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6996)
Harry and Kitty are celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary with a party for their family and friends. During the party, Max and Betty walk over to them and say, “Mazeltov. We’re so pleased for you both. But you must let us in on your secret – how have you managed to stay married for so long, especially in this day and age?”
Harry turns to Kitty and asks, “OK for me to reply to this?”
Kitty replies, “Yes dear.”
“Well,” continues Harry, “our secret is quite simple. On the very day we got married, Kitty and I came to an agreement which we’ve stuck to all these years. We decided that I would make all the major decisions and Kitty would make all the minor decisions. And I can truthfully say that over the 60 years of our marriage, I have never needed to make a major decision.”
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