Read all jokes from:
Jewish (+6996)
Abe and his young son Sam are in synagogue one shabbos morning when Sam says, “When I grow up, dad, I want to be a Rabbi.”
“Thats OK with me, Sam, but what made you decide that?”
“Well,” says Sam, “as I have to go to shul on shabbos anyway, I figure it will be more fun to stand up and shout than to sit down and listen.”
6 views |
|
|
 Processing your request, Please wait....
|
Read all jokes from:
Jewish (+6996)
Sam, Abbe and Moishe were waiting in line to get into Heaven. When Sam gets to the front of the queue, the Angel Gabriel said, “Heaven is nearly full today and I can only admit those who have had horrible deaths. What’s your story?”
“I suspected my wife was cheating on me,” says Sam, “so I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. I knew something was wrong as soon as I entered my flat, but I couldn’t find where the other guy was hiding. However, when I went out onto my balcony, there was this man hanging onto my railings. I was furious and started kicking him but he held on so I got a hammer and battered his fingers. He couldn’t take that and had to let go. He fell 20 stories but he somehow landed in some thick bushes and only stunned himself so I ran into my kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the balcony. My aim was perfect – it landed right on top of him, killing him instantly. Unfortunately, all the raw anger got to me. I had a massive heart attack and died on my balcony.”
“That sounds quite bad to me,” said the Angel Gabriel and let Sam in.
He then explains to Abbe about Heaven being full and asks for his story.
“It’s been a very unusual day for me. I live on the 21st floor of a Dockland’s tower
and every morning I do exercises on my balcony. Unfortunately, this morning I slipped on the wet floor and fell over the edge. Luckily, I managed to grab the railing of the balcony below mine. All of a sudden, a man burst out onto the balcony and just for a moment I thought I was saved. But he was a madman and started beating me. I somehow held on but when he started hammering at my hands, I had to let go. But I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, winded but OK. But my luck ran out when a fridge fell on me. Now I’m here.”
Once again, Angel Gabriel agreed that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
Moishe came to the front of the line and again the whole process was repeated. Angel Gabriel explained that Heaven was full and asked for his story.
“Picture this,” says Moishe, “I’m hiding naked inside a refrigerator… “
9 views |
|
|
Processing your request, Please wait....
|
Read all jokes from:
North Carolina (+3)
Last name: ________________
First name: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Billy-Bob
(_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack
What does everyone call you?
(_) Booger
(_) Bubba
(_) Junior
(_) Sissy
(_) Other___________________
Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex:
____ M
____ F
____ Not sure
Shoe Size:
____ Left
____ Right
Occupation: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Farmer
(_) Mechanic
(_) Hair Dresser
(_) Unemployed
(_) Dirty Politician
(_) Preacher
Spouse’s Name:_________________________
2nd Spouse’s Name:______________________
3rd Spouse’s Name:______________________
Lover’s Name:__________________________
Relationship with spouse: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet
Number of children living in household: _____
Number of children living in shed: ______
Number that are yours: ______
Mother’s Name: _______________________
(If not sure, leave blank)
Father’s Name: _______________________
(If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4
(Circle highest grade completed)
Do you
(_) own or
(_) rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)
Total number of vehicles you own: ___
Number of vehicles that still crank: ___
Number of vehicles in front yard: ___
Number of vehicles in back yard: ___
Number of vehicles on cement blocks: ___
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed
Model and year of your pickup: 196___
Do you have a gun rack?
(_) Yes
(_) No; If no, please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_) The National Enquirer
(_) The Globe
(_) TV Guide
(_) Soap Opera Digest
(_) Rifle and Shotgun
Number of times you’ve seen a UFO:_____
Number of times in the last 5 years you’ve seen Elvis:_____
Number of times you’ve seen Elvis in a UFO:_____
How often do you bathe:
(_) Weekly
(_) Monthly
(_) Not Applicable
Color of eyes:
Left______
Right_____
Color of hair:
(_) Blond
(_) Black
(_) Red
(_) Brown
(_) White
(_) Clairol
Color of teeth:
(_) Yellow
(_) Brownish-Yellow
(_) Brown
(_) Black
(_) N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man
How far is your home from a paved road?
(_) 1 mile
(_) 2 miles
(_) just a whoop-and-a-holler
(_) road?
11 views |
|
|
Processing your request, Please wait....
|
Read all jokes from:
Jewish (+6996)
Ginsberg meets his old friend Kaplan and say’s, “Kaplan, how are you? I haven’t seen you in years.” Kaplan replies, “Truthfully, Ginsberg, things have not gone very well. I just underwent the sorrow of burying my wife.” Ginsberg then exclaims, “Wait a minute, Kaplan! I distinctly remember attending your wife’s funeral ten years ago. In fact, that’s the last time I saw you.” Kaplan retorts, “No, that funeral was for my first wife.” Ginsberg then beems and with a hearty smile says, “Wait a minute, I didn’t know you had remarried. Mazel tov!”
9 views |
|
|
Processing your request, Please wait....
|
Read all jokes from:
Jewish (+6996)
The Tao
The Tao has no expectations.
The Tao demands nothing of others.
The Tao does not speak.
The Tao does not blame.
The Tao does not take sides.
The Tao is definitely not Jewish.
16 views |
|
|
Processing your request, Please wait....
|
Read all jokes from:
Canada (+44)
Canada, in view of recent events, will be changing the maple leaf on the flag to a marijuana plant.
That way, the people of Quebec will have good reason to burn the flag.
16 views |
|
|
Processing your request, Please wait....
|
Read all jokes from:
Jewish (+6996)
Hannah is talking to her best friend Sharon. They are both still single. “After my recent experiences with some of my dates, Sharon, I firmly believe men are like a fine wine.”
“Why do you say that?” asks Sharon.
“Well,” replies Hannah, “they start out as grapes and its up to women like us to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.”
8 views |
|
|
Processing your request, Please wait....
|
Read all jokes from:
Jewish (+6996)
Issy the millionaire goes to Synagogue one shabbes and at the end of the service stops to shake Rabbi Levy’s hand.
“Rabbi,” says Issy, “that was a God-damned fine sermon you gave today.”
Rabbi Levy replies, “Why thank you Issy, but I’d rather you didn’t use that kind of language in the Lord’s House.”
But Issy continues, “In fact I was so God-damned impressed with your sermon that I’ve decided to send you $10,000 for the synagogue rebuilding fund.”
Rabbi Levy replies, “No shit?”
66 views |
|
|
Processing your request, Please wait....
|
Read all jokes from:
Jewish (+6996)
The first Jewish woman President is elected. She calls her Mother, “Mama, I’ve won the elections, you’ve got to come to the swearing-in ceremony.”
“I don’t know, what would I wear?”
“Don’t worry, I’ll send you a dressmaker”
“But I only eat kosher food”
“Mama, I am going to be the president, I can get you kosher food”
“But how will I get there?”
“I’ll send a limo, just come mama”
“Ok, Ok, if it makes you happy.”
The great day comes and Mama is seated between the Supreme Court Justices and the Future Cabinet members, she nudges the gentleman on her right. “You see that girl, the one with her hand on the Bible? Her brother’s a doctor!”
5 views |
|
|
Processing your request, Please wait....
|
Read all jokes from:
New York (+9)
A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.
When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have to return the next day.
‘What for?’ he snapped at the judge.
His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query roared, ‘Twenty dollars contempt of court. That’s why!’
Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. ‘That’s all right. You don’t have to pay now.’
The young man replied, ‘I’m just seeing if I have enough for two more words.’
24 views |
|
|
Processing your request, Please wait....
|
