Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6996)
One morning, as Sarah is leaving Starbucks with her usual take-away coffee, she notices an unusual funeral procession coming along the road towards her. At the front is a large black hearse and 20 yards behind this is a second black hearse. A solitary woman is walking behind the second hearse with an Alsatian on a lead. Behind the woman are 50 other women walking single file.
Sarah is very curious and goes over to the woman with the dog and says, “I’m sorry about your loss.”
“Thank you,” says the woman, “you’re very kind.”
“I know it’s a bad time to ask,” says Sarah, “but whose funeral is this?”
“It’s my husbands funeral,” replies the woman.
“So what happened to him?” asks Sarah.
The woman replies, “My dog attacked and killed him.”
“And who is in the second hearse?” asks Sarah.
The woman answers, “My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her.”
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women.
“Can I borrow the dog?” asks Sarah.
“Go to the back of the line,” replies the woman.
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Read all jokes from: HR (+462), Jewish (+6996)
Harry went for a job interview. It seemed to go well because before he left, he was told, “We would like you to work for us. We’ll give you $10 an hour starting today and in three months time we’ll increase it to $15 an hour. So when would you like to start?”
Harry replies, “In about 3 months from now.”
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6996)
* Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times
* Where theres smoke, there may be smoked salmon (wild, of course)
* Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, maybe a nice cruise
* 20% off is a bargain but 50% off is a mitzvah
* Always whisper the names of diseases
* If it tastes good, its probably not kosher
* Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6996)
Nathan and Hannah are celebrating Nathan’s 50th birthday on a cruise ship. Suddenly, on the evening of the 4th day, whilst they are standing at the back of the ship watching the moon, a storm develops from out of nowhere and a wave comes up and washes Hannah over the side. She can’t swim and although they search for her all day, they can’t find her. At their next port of call, the captain sends Nathan ashore and promises that he will call him should they find something.
Three weeks go by when finally Nathan gets a fax from the captain. It reads: -
FAX from the captain to Nathan:
I’m sorry to have to inform you that when our deep sea divers went looking for your wife, they found her dead at the bottom of the ocean. But there’s some good news. When we hauled her up to the deck, attached to her toches was an oyster and in it was a large pearl which I have had valued at $30,000. Please advise.
Immediately, Nathan sends the following fax back to the captain: -
FAX from Nathan to the captain:
Please send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6996)
Q: How do Jewish wives get their children ready for supper?
A: They put them in the car.
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6996)
Three friends were at the bar talking, and after many rounds of beer, one of them suggests that everyone admit something they have never admitted to anyone.
Okay,” says Peter, “I’ve never told anybody I’m a gay!”
John confesses, “I’m having an affair with my boss’s wife.”
Moishe, begins, “I don’t know how to tell you… .”
“Don’t be shy,” said Peter and John.
Well,” says Moishe, “I can’t keep secrets.”
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6996), Technology (+1819)
Bill Gates decides to organize an enormous session of recruitment for a chairman for Microsoft Europe. The 5,000 candidates are all assembled in a large room. One of the candidates is Maurice Cohen, a little Parisian Jewish Tunisian. Bill Gates thanks all the candidates for coming and asks that all those who do not know the programming language JAVA PLUS to rise and leave. 2,000 people rise and leave the room.
But Maurice Cohen says to himself, “I don’t know this language, but vat haff I got to lose if I stay? Ill give it a try.”
Bill Gates then asks all remaining candidates who have never had experience of team management of more than 100 people to rise and leave. 2,000 people rise and leave the room.
But Maurice Cohen says to himself, “Oy, I never managed anyvun but myself, but vat haff I got to lose if I stay? What can happen to me?” So he stays.
Bill Gates then asks all remaining candidates who don’t have degrees in People Management to rise and leave. 500 people rise and leave the room.
But Maurice Cohen says to himself, “Oy Vay, I left school at 15 so I never vent to university, but vat haff I got to lose if I stay?” So he stays in the room.
Bill Gates finally asks all the remaining candidates who don’t speak Serbo-Croat to rise and leave. 498 people rise and leave the room.
But Maurice Cohen says to himself, “Oy Vay Zmir, I don’t speak Serbo-Croat, but vat the hell! Haff I got anything to lose?” So he stays in the room and finds himself alone with one other candidate – everyone else has gone.
Bill Gates joins them and says, “Apparently you are the only two candidates who speak Serbo-Croat, so Id now like to hear you both have a little conversation in that language.” Calmly, Maurice Cohen turns to the other candidate and says to him, “Ma nishtana halaila hazeh mikol halelot.”
The other candidate answers, “Shebechol halelot anu ochlin hamatz umatza.”
chutzpah: impudence, unmitigated cheek
Ma nishtana halaila hazeh mikol halelot shebechol halelot anu ochlin hamatz umatza: Jewish Passover prayer
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Read all jokes from: Ethnic (+692)
Our eight-year-old daughter asked her father and me about the war today. After MY explanation, she looked a little confused.
At that point, her father added, “Let me put it in terms you will understand… America has given Iraq many time-outs and that hasn’t worked, so now we have to spank them.”
She immediately got it.
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6996)
Jewish Chronicle advertisement
WIFE WANTED.
PLEASE REPLY TO BOX NUMBER123
To which 5,000 replies were received “You can have mine.”
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Read all jokes from: Alabama (+375)
Q: What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas, and a hurricane in Florida have in common?
A: Somebody’s fixin’ to lose them a trailer.
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