Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6996)
A Jewish mother sends her son a red sweater and a blue sweater for Channukkah. He is soon going to visit her but can’t figure out which sweater to wear. Having become completely stressed, he finally chooses the blue sweater, puts in on, and heads for his mother’s house. She opens the door and instead of making sure he arrived alright, simply asks him, “What, you didn’t like the red sweater?”
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6996)
Daniel and Naomi, who had never before met, are travelling on the same overnight sleeper train from London to Edinburgh. The train was packed and they end up in the same sleeping carriage. Daniel has the top bunk and Naomi has the bottom bunk. After some initial embarrassment, they both get to sleep.
At 1am in the morning, Daniel leans over and says to Naomi, “I’m sorry to disturb you, but I’m really very cold. Could you please pass me another blanket?”
Naomi looks up at him and says, sexily, “I’ve got a much better idea – why don’t we pretend we’re married.”
“Why not?” says Daniel, “that’s a marvellous idea.”
“Good,” Naomi replies. “Go get your own blanket, then.”
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6996)
It’s funny how ‘big’ $100 looks when you make a shul donation, but so ‘small’ when you spend it at the shopping centre.
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6996)
There was a time when Pharaoh was repeatedly breaking his promise to release the children of Israel from bondage in Egypt.
So Aaron said to his wife, “You know Sarah, this Pharaoh is really turning out to be a first class momzer.”
“Aaron,” said Sarah, “You mustn’t say such things. We are all one family. Don’t forget we are all children of God, even Pharaoh.”
“I cannot deny that this is true,” replied Aaron, “but this Pharaoh, he must come from your side of the family!”
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6996)
Peter is a street trader who has set up his pitch right outside the Golders Green synagogue. One day Jed, a friend of Peter and also a trader, happens to walk past the synagogue and sees Peter. “Hey Peter, I hear you’re doing very well here. What’s your secret then?”
“It’s easy,” replies Peter, “when one of my clients comes out of the synagogue, I always say something like, ‘good shabbes Mr Levy, how was the kiddush?’ or ‘good yontif Mr Cohen, how was the service today?’”
“But how do you remember all these words?” asks Jed.
“It’s easy,” says Peter, pointing to his head, “I keep them right up here in my toches.”
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6996)
By chance, Esther meets her friend Becky in Brent Cross shopping centre. “Well fancy seeing you here,” says Esther, “I haven’t seen you for at least a year. How’s everything?”
“Oh fine… . I suppose,” replies Becky.
“What do you mean by ‘I suppose’?” asks Esther.
“Well,” replies Becky, “my sister Rachel is very ill and is in hospital. I’ve just come back from visiting her.”
“Oh, I’m sorry to hear it,” says Esther. “Is Rachel the sister who’s not been speaking to you for some time?”
“Yes,” replies Becky, “she fell out with me some 2 years ago and she hasn’t spoken a word to me since.”
“So why did you visit her?” asks Esther.
“My sister Rachel is almost impossible to deal with,” replies Becky. “When she’s broyges, she stays broyges, no matter what. But she’s very ill and my son Arnold begged me to go see her, and so I did.”
“How did the visit go then?” asks Esther.
“As soon as I walked into her ward, she said to me, “Becky, don’t think that coming here automatically changes anything between us. Nevertheless, I want you to know that if I die, youre forgiven for all youve done to me. But, if I get well, please God, then I’ll stay broyges with you.”
broyges: angry
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6996)
There wore two jews on the Titanic. They were named Moshe and Jankele. Both of them survived. In the saving boat, Moshe cried and cried. To be friendly to him Jankele said:
“Why are you crying? The boat wasn’t yours.”
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6996)
If you read through the list of the events taking place at the next Maccabiah Games, you will notice that the Maccabiah Committee has made some changes. Some of the less-publicised events of particular interest to the world’s Jewish communities, include: -
1. Oyga Vault: A sound-enhanced Pole Vault competition. The vaulter must clear the bar then yell “Oy” upon hitting the foam pad below. Any heights cleared without an “Oy” will be considered a fault. Points will be added for more enthusiastic exclamations of “Oy,” such as “Oy vay iz mir!”, “Oy, I’ve just landed on my shana punim!” or, the winner in the Olympic trials’, “Oy, such tsuris this is causing me!”
2. Synchronized Swimming: Taking place in an Olympic sized mikvah, this event is sure to make a splash. But what do these young ladies do once their act has finished?
3. Synchronized Tanning: Following the Synchronized Swimming portion, swimmers will have ten minutes to sunbathe. Their routine must include at least two rollovers as well as application of sunscreen to the ears and nose. An SPF of 15 is the required minimum. Judges will award additional points to those able to tan with a higher SPF number. Points will be deducted for burns, blotches, and bikinis.
4. Team Handball: The goal here is simple: to create the ideal matzah ball. Each team will cook a two litre bowl of matzah ball soup, from scratch. The three winning batches will be fed to the athletes recovering in the infirmary. The toughest matzah balls will be used in the shot put competition.
5. Triathlon: This year’s Triathlon will involve one pound of shnitzel and a serving of tsimmes. The athlete must cook the shnitzel and tsimmes (first part), say a bruchah before eating this kosher meal (second part), and then run a marathon (third part). If the contender forgets to say the bruchah, he/she will be disqualified, but will still be required to run the marathon.
6. Bagel Toss: A kosher version of horseshoes, the winner is he/she that first lands a bagel on each of the seven branches of the chanukiah.
7. Balance Beam: The accountant or bookkeeper that balances the Chairman’s wife’s bank account in the shortest amount of time will be declared winner.
8. Moyl Marathon: Each certified moyl must run a marathon and perform a bris at each kilometer mark. This is the only event that allows alcohol – for the babies of course.
9. Rings: No longer part of men’s gymnastics, this event now caters to newlyweds eager to show off the diamond rocks on their fourth fingers. The diamonds will be judged based on the “three C’s,” colour, clarity, and cut. Contestants will be judged based on the “three S’s,” smile, sophistication, and simchas.
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6996)
Abbe Cohen goes to a restaurant every day for lunch. He always orders the soup du jour. One day the manager asks him how he liked his meal. Abbe replies (with Yiddish accent) “Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread.”
The next day, the manager tells the waitress to give him four slices of bread. “How was your meal, sir?” the manager asks. “Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread”.
Next day the manager tells the waitress to give him eight slices of bread. “How was your meal today, sir?” the manager asks. “Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread”.
The manager is now obsessed with seeing Abbe say that he enjoyed his meal, so he goes to the bakery and orders a 6ft long French loaf. When Abbe comes in as usual the next day, the waitress and the manager cut the loaf in half, butter the entire length of each half and lay it out along the counter, right next to his bowl of soup. Abbe sits down, and devours both his bowl of soup and both halves of the 6ft loaf of bread. The manager now thinks he will get the answer he is looking for. When Abbe comes up to pay for his meal, the manager asks in the usual way: “How was your meal TODAY, sir?”
Abbe replies “It wass goot as usual but I see you are back to giving only 2 slices of bread!”
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6996)
Issy is seriously ill and decides to write a Will. He calls his brother Jacob, who is a solicitor, to help him. When Jacob arrives at Issy’s bedside, Issy says, “Please write this down, Jacob. I give to my son David, $250,000. I give to each of my three daughters, Leah, Rose and Freda, $100,000. And I give to my only grandchild Henry, $50,000.”
“Hold on, Issy,” says Jacob, “You told me recently that your entire estate doesn’t come to more than $50,000.”
“Nu?” replies Issy, “So let them work for it like I did.”
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