Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6996)
Sharon is not the brightest secretary that Jonathan has employed, but she always does what she is asked to do. One day, Jonathan needs a long column of figures to be added up for a sales presentation he is giving later on that afternoon, so he says to Sharon, “please add up these figures for me and make sure you check the total is correct. I need them for an important meeting and I wouldn’t want to give out wrong information. May I suggest that you add up the column three times to be absolutely sure.”
“OK, sir,” replies Sharon.
One hour later, Sharon goes to Jonathan and says, “Here is what you asked me to do, sir.”
“Thank you, Sharon,” says Jonathan, “and did you check it like I asked you to do?”
“Yes, sir, three times,” replies Sharon, “and here are the three answers, sir.”
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6996)
Abe, not the brightest of accounts department staff, is called in to see his boss.
“Abe,” says his boss, I’d like you to know that we’re quite satisfied with your work here.”
“Thank you sir,” replies Abe
“And how much are we paying you?” asks his boss.
“$15,000 per year, sir,” replies Abe.
“I’m glad,” says his boss, “You can go now.”
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Read all jokes from: Holidays (+1424), Jewish (+6996)
A Jewish family invited their gentile neighbors for holiday dinner. The first course was set in front of them and the Jewish couple announced, “This is matzoh ball soup.”
On seeing the 2 large matzoh balls in the soup, the Gentile man was hesitant to taste this strange looking brew. Gently, the Jewish couple pressed the Gentile man, “Just have a taste. If you don’t like it, you don’t have to finish it.”
Finally he agrees. He digs his spoon in, first picking up a small piece of matzoh ball with some soup in the spoon, and tasting it gingerly. The usual mmmm sound can be heard coming from somewhere deep in his chest, and he quickly finished the soup.
“That was delicious,” he said. “Can you eat any other parts of the matzoh?”
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6996)
This woman is visiting in Israel and notices that her little travel alarm needs a battery.She looks for a watch repair shop and while she doesn’t read Hebrew she finally sees a shop with clocks and watches in the window.
She goes in and hands the man her clock. The man says, “Madam, I don’t repair clocks. I am a Mohel. I do circumcisions.”
She says, “Why all the clocks in the window?”
And he says, “And what should I have in my window?”
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6996), Military (+607)
At the Russian War College, the general is a guest lecturer and tells
the class of officers that the session will focus on potential problems
and the resulting strategies.
One of the officers in the class begins by asking the first question,
“Will we have to fight a World War Three?”
“Yes, comrades, looks like you will,” answers the general.
“And who will be our enemy, Comrade General?” another officer asks.
“The likelihood is that it will be China.”
The class looks alarmed, and finally one officer asks, “But Comrade
General, we are 150 million people and they are about 1.5 billion.
How can we possibly win?”
“Well,” replies the general, “Think about it. In modern war, it is
not the quantity, but the quality that is the key. For example, in the
Middle East, 5 million Jews fight against 50 million Arabs, and the Jews
have been the winners every time.”
“But sir,” asks the panicky officer, “Do we have enough jews”?
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Read all jokes from: Financial (+1218), Jewish (+6996)
A man who was called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. “Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper,” the accountant replied.
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. “Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.”
Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.
“Let me tell you a story,” replied the Rabbi. “A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. ‘Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.’ But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a v-neck right down to your navel.”
The man protested: “What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?”
The Rabbi replied, “No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed.”
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