Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6996)
This old gentleman’s dear old dog passed away. He was so attached to that dog that he went to his
Rabbi and asked if the Rabbi would say kadish for the dog.
The Rabbi said, “No, we only say kadish for humans, not animals.
However there is a new congregation two blocks down the street from here.
You can go there and ask if they will bless your dog.
The man thanked the Rabbi and said, “Do you suppose they would also accept my donation of $75,000?”
The Rabbi said, “Hold it – come back. You didn’t tell me the dog was Jewish.”
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6996)
Yetta and Sarah, both well known braggers, meet one Sunday at Brent Cross shopping centre. “I held a fantastic dinner party last night,” says Yetta, “my guests had so much good food and wine available to them that when they left to walk over to their cars, they were all doubled-over.”
Without missing a beat, Sarah replies, “From your house they could walk?”
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6996)
Perfect? The story of Moshe and Hette Cohen – Mr & Mrs perfect
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding at the London Hilton. Their life together in Golders Green was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Lexus) along a winding road in Hendon, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. To their surprise, there stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Although Jewish, they did not want to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, no matter what their religion. So the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their car and soon they were driving along delivering toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had a bad accident. Only one of them survived the accident.
The mind-numbing question is: Who was the survivor?
Scroll down for the answer…
The perfect woman survived. She’s the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
Women: stop reading here. This is the end of the joke.
Men: keep on scrolling…
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident.
By the way, if you’re a woman and you’re reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen.
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6996)
Reuven colden’[t stop eating as much has he would eat he would never get full, One day he desided it’s getting ot of hand so he came to the rabbi and compblaint, The rabbi responded check your mezuzah’s, He came back and claimed there wasn’t any mistake so the rabbi told him to check your tefilin. Reuven comkes back to the rabbi and reports that on the posuk that says V’ochalto V’sovota it said V’ochalto V’ochalta!
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6996)
Many years ago, a Jewish town had a shortage of single men of marriageable age and they used to bring them in from nearby towns. One day, when a suitable man arrived by train, not one but two mother-in-laws-to-be were waiting for him and each claimed him for themselves. So the Rabbi was called to sort it out.
After he heard the facts, he said to the two women, “If you still both want him, then we’ll have to cut him in half and each one of you can then have half of him.”
One kept quiet while the other said, “In that case, give him to the other woman.”
When the Rabbi heard this, he immediately said, “OK, I agree. The other woman can have him. Anyone willing to cut him in half is obviously the real mother-in-law!”
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Two fathers and a rabbi decided to go swimming in a local lake one HOT day. So, they stripped and went swimming. As they were getting out, some ladies were strolling by the lake. One father yelled, “Cover your privates!” So both fathers covered that area, but the rabbi covered his face. Later, the other father asked, “Why did you cover your face?” The rabbi answered, “I don’t know for you two, but it’d be my face they’d recognise.”
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6996)
Sarah, a middle aged Jewish woman goes in search of a famous guru. She takes a plane to India and then a boat up a river, and then hikes into the mountains with local guides. All in all it takes Sarah months of hardship to track down this guru. When she finds him, he is in the middle of some kind of ritual, which will last for days and the guru’s followers won’t let Sarah see him. Finally the guru is ready to receive visitors and calls for the woman to be admitted. Sarah stands before the famous guru. “Harvey,” she says. “It’s time to come home!”
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There once lived a king who had an advisor called Hymie. The king relied so much on the wisdom of Hymie that one day he decided to promote him to chief advisor. But the other advisors objected.
They said, “It’s OK sitting in counsel with a Jew, but to allow him to boss us about would be unacceptable.”
The King accepted their argument and ordered Hymie to convert. Hymie had to obey the King.
But soon after, Hymie felt great remorse and over the months that followed he became despondent, his health suffered and he grew weak.
Finally Hymie could take it no longer and made a decision. He went to the king and said, “I was born a Jew and a Jew I will always be. So do whatever you want with me.”
The King had no idea Hymie felt so strong about his ‘conversion’.
“OK,” said the King, “if that’s how you feel, go be a Jew again. The other advisors will just have to live with it. You’re too important for me to lose.”
On his way back home to tell the news to his family, Hymie felt the strength surge back into his body.
When he arrived, he called out to his wife, “Sarah, we can be Jews again, we can be Jews again.”
Sarah glared at him and said, “Couldn’t you wait until after Passover?”
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The teacher was very curious about how each of her students celebrated Christmas Eve. “Tell me Patrick, what do you do on Christmas Eve?” She asked.
Patrick addressed the class. “Well, Miss, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight Mass and we sing hymns, then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys.”
“Very nice Patrick”, said the teacher, “Now, Jimmy Brown, what do you do?”
“Well, Miss”, replied Jimmy, “Me and my sister go to Church with Mum and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings We hardly sleep waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents”
Remembering there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, “Now Isaac Cohen, what do you do on Christmas Eve?”
“Well, Miss, it’s the same old thing every year. Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls and drive to his toy factory. When we get inside we look at all the empty shelves and sing “What A Friend We Have in Jesus”… then we go to the Bahamas
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Q: What’s the definition of chutzpah?
A: A boy who kills his parents and then begs the court for mercy – because he’s an orphan.
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