Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6997)
Q: Define: Genius
A: A “C” student with a Jewish mother.
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6997)
Issy and Shlomo have been running a Jewish goods shop in Kilburn, London for over 40 years but the neighbourhood was not what it was and the Jewish community was moving out.
One day, Shlomo says, “Issy, our customers are moving out. Ve haff to move to where they are going – to Golders Green or Hendon, if ve vant to survive.”
“Ve can’t do this,” replies Issy, “dis neighbourhood iz our life. Ve’ve been here for foity-tree years. However, instead of moving, ve should tink about sellink Katolik articles as vell as Jewish vuns.”
“Vut? Katolik tings?” says Shlomo, “Dat’s a meshuggeneh idea. Ve Jews can’t sell anytink Katolik.”
But in the following week they only manage to sell one mezuzah and a Barmitzvah tallit and by Friday Shlomo comes round to Issy’s way of thinking – they will have to stock some Catholic articles. “OK Issy,” he says, “You vin. Call de Katolik supplier in Cricklevood right now.” So Issy rings them.
“Hello, is dis de Katolik Supply House?”
“Yes it is. How can we be of help, sir?”
“Dis is Issy of Issys and Shlomos in Kilburn. Ve vant 200 daily missals, 100 pictures of the Pope, all autographed please, and 200 of dem beads, vot dey called?”
“Rosaries, sir. Will there be anything else?”
“Yes, ve also vant some crosses, a gross will do for starters, and ve vant you to deliver all of dese things to us tomorrow morning.”
“OK sir,” comes the reply, “Let me read the list back to you to check that I’ve got your order right. You require a delivery tomorrow morning of 200 daily missals, 100 pictures of the Pope, each one to be personally signed by his holiness, 200 sets of Rosaries and 144 crucifixes. But about dese crucifixes – do you vant dem mit or mitout de Jesuses? Ve can do either. But tomorrow ve don’t deliver. It’s shabbos.”
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6997)
Max was in coats but unfortunately business was very bad.
One day his partner Benjy said to him, “What are we going to do with these fifty coats? They’re last year’s style and even though we’ve knocked them down to $10 each, we still can’t sell any.”
Max replied, “Use your head, Benjy. Price them at $20 and send all our best clients five coats each. But here’s the plan. Put in an invoice for $80 for only four coats. If I know them, my clients will think we’ve made a mistake. They’ll jump at a bargain and pay the $80.”
“What a terrific idea,” said Benjy. “I’ll send them out today.”
Two week’s later, Benjy says to Max, “What a stupid idea it was. Every one of our clients returned the parcel and the invoice, but only sent back four coats.”
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6997)
Mendel is a very old man, who only have a couple days left to live.
He calls for his granddaughter, Tiffany, to come to him.
When Tiffany arrived, he said to her, “Tiffany, I smell ruggalah. Go get me some, please.”
Tiffany leaves, then comes back a coupld minutes later without it. She tells Mendel, “You can’t have any.”
“Why not?”
“They’re for the shivah.”
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6997)
In school, the professor asks:
-Who can tell me now who was the mother
of Moses? You, Daniel,should know,tell me!
Daniel, a young jewish child, stand up and
answers without hesitate :
- Moses mother was the faraoh’s daughter!
- No,no,no,no, Daniel…, the faraoh’s
daughter found him down the Nile,in a basket…
- Yeah,that’s what she says
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6997)
It’s the Maccabi Games in Tel Aviv and just before their race, an American sprinter asks an Israeli opponent, “So what’s your best time for the 100 meters?”
“Just over 8 seconds,” replies the Israeli.
“But the world record is around 9 seconds,” says the astonished American.
“Yes,” says the Israeli, “but I know a short cut.”
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6997)
Benny’s dog has died and he goes to see his rabbi. “Rabbi, I wonder whether you could find the time to say a special blessing at my dog’s grave?”
The rabbi replies, “I’m afraid it isn’t possible, Benny. In fact the rules don’t really make any allowance for animals.”
Benny says, “But I’m really upset, rabbi.”
“So maybe you should go to see the Reform rabbi over the road,” says the rabbi.
As Benny walks away dejectedly, he turns to the rabbi and says, “What a shame. I was willing to donate $1,000 for such a service.”
At which point the rabbi shouts, “Come back, come back.”
Benny turns round and says, “I thought you couldn’t help me.”
“Ah,” says the rabbi, “but you didn’t tell me your dog was Orthodox.”
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6997)
Q: What does a Jewish husband call a waterbed?
A: The Dead Sea.
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6997)
Little Sam is bored. So he goes over to his mother and asks, “Mum, can I go outside and watch the solar eclipse?”
“OK, bubbeleh,” says his mother, “but don’t go too close.”
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6997), Technology (+1816)
Bill Gates decides to organize an enormous session of recruitment for a chairman for Microsoft Europe. The 5,000 candidates are all assembled in a large room. One of the candidates is Maurice Cohen, a little Parisian Jewish Tunisian. Bill Gates thanks all the candidates for coming and asks that all those who do not know the programming language JAVA PLUS to rise and leave. 2,000 people rise and leave the room.
But Maurice Cohen says to himself, “I don’t know this language, but vat haff I got to lose if I stay? Ill give it a try.”
Bill Gates then asks all remaining candidates who have never had experience of team management of more than 100 people to rise and leave. 2,000 people rise and leave the room.
But Maurice Cohen says to himself, “Oy, I never managed anyvun but myself, but vat haff I got to lose if I stay? What can happen to me?” So he stays.
Bill Gates then asks all remaining candidates who don’t have degrees in People Management to rise and leave. 500 people rise and leave the room.
But Maurice Cohen says to himself, “Oy Vay, I left school at 15 so I never vent to university, but vat haff I got to lose if I stay?” So he stays in the room.
Bill Gates finally asks all the remaining candidates who don’t speak Serbo-Croat to rise and leave. 498 people rise and leave the room.
But Maurice Cohen says to himself, “Oy Vay Zmir, I don’t speak Serbo-Croat, but vat the hell! Haff I got anything to lose?” So he stays in the room and finds himself alone with one other candidate – everyone else has gone.
Bill Gates joins them and says, “Apparently you are the only two candidates who speak Serbo-Croat, so Id now like to hear you both have a little conversation in that language.” Calmly, Maurice Cohen turns to the other candidate and says to him, “Ma nishtana halaila hazeh mikol halelot.”
The other candidate answers, “Shebechol halelot anu ochlin hamatz umatza.”
chutzpah: impudence, unmitigated cheek
Ma nishtana halaila hazeh mikol halelot shebechol halelot anu ochlin hamatz umatza: Jewish Passover prayer
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