Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6994)
As Morris nears his 60th birthday, he decides to prepare his will and goes to see Patrick, his solicitor. They spend a couple of hours putting together the details. Just before Morris leaves, he says to Patrick, “I have two final requests to make. Firstly, I want to be cremated and secondly, I want my ashes scattered over Brent Cross shopping centre.”
“Why Brent Cross?” asks Patrick.
“Because then Ill be sure my wife will visit me twice a week,” replies Morris.
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6994)
Old Yitzhak is standing in a Moscow street looking through the window of a huge grocery shop. He mutters, “So they have no more beef… And no more lamb… And they don’t even have any pork… or chicken… or sausage. In fact they have no meat at all. Nor do they have any milk or cheese or eggs or flour or… … “
Suddenly, a man standing next to Yitzhak hisses in his ear, “Shut up, you stupid Yid. Stop spreading anti-Soviet propaganda or I’ll hit your stupid head with the butt of my gun. Have you understood me?”
“Yes, I understood, I understood you, comrade,” replies Yitzhak and he walks away as fast as he can.
When Yitzhak arrives back at his house, he says to his wife, “Leah, I really understood. They don’t have any bullets either!”
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6994)
Moshe returns to Israel following a trip to China and is feeling very ill. When his doctor examines him, Moshe is rushed to hospital for tests and then placed in a private room in the isolation ward to await the results. Moshe has been there no more than a few hours when the phone by Moshe’s bed rings.
“This is your doctor speaking,” says the voice on the phone, “I now have the results of your tests and Im sorry to have to tell you that you have an extremely contagious disease known as GABS. I cant see you in person – in fact no one can. That’s why I’m using the phone.”
“GABS?” gasps Moshe, “What is that. What does it mean?”
“Well,” says his doctor, GABS is a disease combining Gonorrhoea, AIDS, Bird Flu and Syphilis It can be deadly if not treated quickly.”
“Oy veh, doctor,” screams Moshe, “how are you going to treat me?”
“Well, were going to keep you in isolation and put you on a strict diet of slices of worsht, fried egg, matzo and kichels.” says the doctor.
“Will they cure me?” asks Moshe.
“Not really,” replies the doctor, “but those are the only foods we can slide under the door.”
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6994)
Little nine year old Ira was walking home from Grodzinski’s Bakery with one hand in his pocket and carrying a huge challah with the other hand. As he strolled up the walk to his house, his mum and their local Rabbi came to meet him at the door.
The Rabbi said to Ira, “Hello Ira! How are you today? What do you have there, the staff of life?”
To which Ira replied, “Yeah, and a loaf of bread, too!”
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6994)
Some forms of Judaism
Cardiac Judaism “In my heart I am a Jew.”
Gastronomic Judaism “We eat Jewish foods.”
Chequebook Judaism “I give to Jewish causes.”
Drop-off Judaism “I drop the kids off at Sunday Hebrew classes.”
Twice a year Judaism “I attend services on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur.”
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6994)
Sam was driving down the road and gets pulled over by a police car. Walking up to his car, an officer says, “Your wife fell out the car 5 miles back.”
Sam replies, “Thank goodness – I’d thought I’d gone deaf.”
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Shlomo the tomato was out walking one day with his wife and young son Benjy the tomato. Unfortunately, Benjy the tomato was not walking fast enough and he kept falling behind his parents. So Shlomo the tomato turned round and shouted at Benjy, “You meshuggener, ketch-up.”
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6994)
A Priest and a Rabbi are riding in a plane.
After a while, the Priest turns to the Rabbi and asks, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?”
The Rabbi says, “Yes, that is still one of our beliefs.”
The Priest then asks, “Have you ever eaten pork?” To which the Rabbi replies, “Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted pork.” The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
Later during the flight, the Rabbi asked the Priest, “Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?”
The Priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.”
The Rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?”
The Priest replied, “Yes Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.”
The Rabbi nodded understandingly for a moment and then said, “A lot better than pork isn’t it?”
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6994)
Ever since the Jewish Chronicle printed his obituary in error, Hymie just can’t get it out of his mind that he really is dead. His delusion becomes such a problem that his sons finally pay for a psychiatrist to visit him to sort him out.
The psychiatrist spends many laborious sessions trying to convince Hymie that he is, indeed, still alive, but nothing seems to work.
Finally the psychiatrist tries one last time. He takes some medical books with him to help him prove to Hymie that dead men can’t bleed. After an hour of argument and book reading, it seems that he has finally succeeded.
“So, Hymie,” says the psychiatrist, “do you now agree with the medical establishment that dead men dont bleed?”
“Yes,” replies Hymie.
“Very well then,” says the psychiatrist as he pricks Hymies finger with a pin causing it to bleed a little, “look at this. What does that blood tell you, Hymie?”
“Oy vay,” says Hymie, as he stares incredulously at his finger, “it means that dead men really do bleed.”
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6994)
A new year is starting at the Jewish Grammar School and on the first day of the new term, many of the children bring presents for their teachers.
Morris, whose mother owns the local Florist, brings in a lovely bouquet of flowers for Miss Shapiro his teacher. When Miss Shapiro receives them, she says to Morris, “Oh these flowers are lovely, Morris. I’m going to put them in my lounge as soon as I get home and I’m going to look at them and smell them all night.”
Emma, whose father owns the local Newsagent, brings in a giant box of Belgium chocolates for Miss Gold her teacher. When Miss Gold receives it, she says to Emma, “Oh Emma, that’s so nice of you. I’m going to open the box as soon as I get home and make a pig of myself – I just love chocolates.”
Bernie, whose father owns the local Kosher Wine shop, brings in a big, heavy box for Mr Levy his teacher. When Mr Levy receives it, he says to Bernie, “Thank you Bernie for my present. I’ve no idea what’s inside it and I can’t wait to get home to find out.”
But then Mr Levy notices that the box is leaking a bit. So he touches a drop of the leaking liquid with his index finger, tastes it, then says, “I bet you’ve bought me some bottles of wine Bernie?”
“No, it’s not wine,” says Bernie.
So Mr Levy tastes another drop and says, “Is it champagne then, Bernie?”
“No, it’s not champagne either,” says Bernie. “Its a puppy.”
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