Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6996)
One shabbas morning, Rabbi Landau is giving a sermon on ‘the mitzvah of forgiving your enemies’. He talks at length on the subject for nearly 15 minutes and then asks his congregation, “Please raise your hand if you are willing to forgive your enemies.”
About 50% raise their hand.
This upsets Rabbi Landau so he decides to lecture for another ten minutes. He then repeats his question.
This time about 80% raise their hand.
But the Rabbi is still not satisfied, lectures a bit longer and repeats his question.
This time everybody raises their hand, except an old lady at the back of the shul.
Rabbi Landau asks, “Mrs Levy, aren’t you willing to forgive your enemies?”
“I don’t have any enemies,” she replies.
“That’s very unusual Mrs Levy. How old are you?”
“I’m 98, Rabbi.”
“Please, Mrs Levy, come to the front and tell us how you have lived to 98 and don’t have an enemy in the world.”
Mrs Levy hobbles down the aisle, faces the congregation and says, with a smile, “I outlived the momzers, that’s how.”
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6996)
Ethel, a little old lady with a lovely smile, makes a living selling roses on the corner of Middlesex Street for $1 a rose. Maurice, on the other hand, works for a bank in Middlesex Street and is doing very well for himself.
Maurice has always felt sorry for Ethel and whenever he leaves his office for lunch and passes Ethel, he always gives her $1. But Maurice never takes a rose from her and although this has been going on for 2 years, the two of them have never spoken to each other.
One day, as Maurice passes Ethel and leaves his usual $1, Ethel speaks to him for the first time. “I appreciate your business, sir. You really are my best customer, but I must point out to you that the price of a rose has now gone up to $1.50.”
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6996)
Q. How do you know when its time to wash the dishes and clean the house?
A. Look inside your pants – if you’ve got a putz, its not time.
Putz: a penis
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6996)
For months, Leah had been nagging her husband to go with her to the seance parlour of Madame Sadie.
“Cyril, Madame Sadie is a real gypsy and she brings the voices of the dead from the other world. We all talk to them. Last week, I talked with my mother, may she rest in peace. Cyril, for only £30 you can talk to your zaida who you miss so much.”
Cyril could not resist and at the next seance, there was Cyril sitting under the coloured light at the green table, holding hands with the person on each side of him. All were humming.
Madame Sadie, her eyes lost in trance, was making passes over a crystal ball. “My medium Vashtri, who is that with you? Mr Himmelfarb? Cyril’s zaida?”
Cyril swallowed the lump in his throat and called, “Grandpa? zaida?”
“Ah, Cyril?” a thin voice quavered.
“Yes, yes,” cried Cyril, “this is your Cyril, zaida, are you happy in the other world?”
“Cyril, I am in bliss. I’m with your bubba. We laugh, we sing, we gaze upon the shining face of the Lord.”
Cyril asks his zaida many questions and his zaida answers each, until -
“So now, Cyril, I have to go. The angels are calling. Just one more question I can answer. Ask. Ask.”
“Zaida,” sighed Cyril, “when did you learn to speak English?”
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6996)
Billy Graham went to see the Pope in Rome. While he was waiting, Billy noticed a red phone. As he was ushered in to talk to the Pope, he asked, “What’s the red phone for?”
“That’s to talk to God,” came the reply.
“Really,” Billy gasped, “how much does such a call cost – it’s an awful long way?”
“£10,000 a minute, but it’s well worth it.” answered the Pope.
Some weeks later, Billy Graham went to see the Chief Rabbi in Jerusalem. He noticed that he, too, had a red phone. “I don’t suppose,” asked Billy, “that this phone is to talk to God?”
“Yes it is.” came the reply.
“And how much does that cost?” Billy inquired.
“Twenty pence a minute,” shrugged the chief rabbi.
“How come it’s so cheap?” Billy asked, “the Pope has a phone like that and it costs £10,000 a minute!”
“Well,” grinned the Chief Rabbi, “From here it’s just a local call.”
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6996)
o The optimist sees the bagel, the pessimist sees the hole.
o If you can’t say something nice, say it in Yiddish.
o If it tastes good, it’s probably not Kosher.
o No one looks good in a yarmulke.
o Why spoil a good meal with a big tip?
o WASPS leave and never say goodbye, Jews say goodbye and never leave.
o Twenty percent off is a bargain; fifty percent off is a mitzvah.
o Israel is the land of milk and honey; North London is the area of milk of Magnesia.
o Never pay retail.
o Its always a bad hair day if you’re bald.
o No one leaves a Jewish wedding hungry but then again, no one leaves with a hangover.
o The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
o So what’s so wrong with dry turkey?
o Always whisper the names of diseases.
o One Mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
o If you don’t eat, it will kill me.
o Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
o Where there’s smoke, there may be smoke salmon.
o Never take a front row seat at a bris.
o Next year in Jerusalem, the year after that, how about a nice cruise?
o Never leave a restaurant empty handed.
o A bad matzoh ball makes a good paperweight.
o A schmata is a dress that your husband’s ex is wearing.
o Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
o Before you read the menu, read the prices.
o There comes a time in every man’s life when he must stand up and tell his mother he’s an adult. This usually happens at around 45.
o According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
o Tsouris is a Yiddish word that means your child is marrying someone who isn’t Jewish.
o If you’re going to whisper at the movies, make sure it’s loud enough for everyone to hear
o What business is a yenta in? Yours.
o If you have to ask the price, you can’t afford it.
o But if you can afford it, make sure you tell everybody what you paid.
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Esther makes an emergency appointment to see her doctor.
“Doctor,” says Esther, “just look at the mess I’m in. When I awoke this morning, I looked in the mirror and was shocked to see my hair all wiry, my skin wrinkled and blotchy, my eyes bloodshot and bulging out of their sockets and my face so white that I looked like a corpse. What on earth is wrong with me, doctor?”
The doctor looks at her and calmly says, “Well, for a start, there’s certainly nothing wrong with your eyesight… “
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6996)
A Rabbi, a priest and a minister are discussing when life begins.
The priest says: “In our religion, life begins at conception.”
The Minister says: “We disagree. We believe that life begins when the foetus is viable away from the mother’s womb.”
The Rabbi responds: “You both are wrong. In our religion, life begins when the kids graduate college and the dog dies.”
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6996)
Aaron is out shopping in Golders Green when he remembers that he has guests coming over for tea and needs to buy some tea bags. He goes into ‘Moshe the Grocer’ and starts looking for tea bags. As he walks down the first aisle, he can’t help but notice that all the shelves are packed with bags of salt. Shelf after shelf, in aisle after aisle, all packed with bags of salt. So he calls for the manager.
“Can I help you?” says Moshe.
“Yes you can,” replies Aaron, “I’ve come in here to buy some tea bags and all I can find is salt. What kind of grocer do you call yourself? It’s a bit pointless, isn’t it, just selling salt? I just don’t believe you can sell all this salt.”
“I couldn’t agree with you more,” says Moshe, “I personally can’t sell much salt, but oy veh, the sales rep who sold me the salt – can he sell salt!”
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6996)
George W. Bush Jr was in an airport lobby and noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.
George Bush approached the man and inquired, “Aren’t you Moses.”
The man ignored George and stared at the ceiling.
George Bush positioned himself more directly in the man’s view and asked again, “Aren’t you Moses”.
The man continued to peruse the ceiling.
George tugged at the man’s sleeve and asked once again, “Aren’t you Moses”.
The man finally responded in an irritated voice, “Yes I am”.
George asked him why he was so uppity and the man replied, “The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert”.
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