Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6996)
Rebecca is nine years old and is doing her homework. Suddenly, she gets up, goes to her father and says, “Daddy, could you please tell me what ‘frugal’ means.”
“Yes, of course, replies her father, “it means something like – to save.”
Rebecca thanks him and goes back to her homework. Later, her father goes over to see how she’s getting on. He’s reading her story when he comes across the following: -
‘The beautiful princess Sarah slipped on the wet grass and fell into the lake. As she couldn’t swim she starting shouting out, “Frugal me. Oh please, someone frugal me.”
Luckily for princess Sarah, the handsome prince David was riding by and he quickly frugalled her. They then lived happily ever after.
The End.’
11 views |
|
|
 Processing your request, Please wait....
|
Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6996)
Monty is in John Lewis department store to buy his wife Leah a 70th birthday present. He looks around the Lingerie department and decides to buy some sheer lingerie for her. So he goes over to a salesgirl to explain what he wants. She shows him many different types ranging in price from $35 to $280. The most sheer item is, of course, the most expensive, but as nothing is too good for his Leah, he chooses the $280 item. He pays for it and the salesgirl gift wraps it nicely for him.
When he gets home, Monty kisses Leah and says, “Happy birthday, darling, this is for you.”
Leah opens the package, smiles and says, “Thanks for such a nice surprise.”
“I’m glad you like it,” says Monty, “why don’t you put it on now and model it for me?”
“OK,” she says and goes upstairs with her present. But as soon as she sees the receipt, which Monty had forgotten to remove from the bag, she says to herself, “It’s really such a waste of money. Its so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I wont need to put it on – Monty won’t notice if I do the modelling naked. Then I can return it tomorrow and keep the $280 refund for better things.”
Soon, Leah comes downstairs, naked, and starts to do some poses for Monty. Monty looks carefully at Leah and says, “Oy vay! For $280, you’d have thought they would have ironed it for me.”
PS Monty never saw the frying pan as it hit him behind his head. The levoyah is on Thursday.
levoyah: funeral
17 views |
|
|
Processing your request, Please wait....
|
Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6996)
God wanted to have a holiday, so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on where to go.
“Why not go to Jupiter?” asked St. Peter.
“No, too much gravity, too much stomping around,” said God.
“Well, how about Mercury?”
“No, it’s too hot there.”
“Okay,” said St. Peter, “What about Earth?”
“No,” sighed God, “They’re such horrible gossips. When I was there 2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they’re still talking about it.”
19 views |
|
|
Processing your request, Please wait....
|
Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6996)
Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American Princess horror movie?
A: It’s called “Debbie Does Dishes”.
14 views |
|
|
Processing your request, Please wait....
|
Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6996)
A woman stopped by at her son’s house,rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law on the couch,totally naked. Soft music was playing,and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
What was a nice Jewish girl like her doing lounging around naked? she thought…
“What are you doing?” she asked.
“I’m waiting for my husband to come home from work” the daughter-in-law said.
“But you’re naked!” the mother-in-law exclaimed.
“This is my love dress” the daughter-in-law explained.
“Love dress? But you’re naked!”
“My husband loves me to wear this dress” she explained. “It excites him no end.Every time he sees me in this dress,he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours. He can’t get enough of me”
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to
arrive. Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.
“What are you doing?” he asked.
“This is my love dress,” she whispered,sensually.
“Needs ironing,” he said. “What’s for dinner?”
9 views |
|
|
Processing your request, Please wait....
|
Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6996)
Rivkah awakens one night to find that her husband Howard is not in bed with her. She goes downstairs to look for him and finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
“Whats the matter, dear?” she asks tenderly, “why are you down here in the middle of the night?”
Howard looks up from his coffee. “Do you remember, Rivkah, how young we both were when we first started dating?”
“Yes, I remember,” Rivkah replies.
Howard’s voice is brimming with emotion. “Do you also remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?”
“How could I forget?” says Rivkah.
“And do you remember he put a gun against my head and said, Either you marry my daughter or Ill see to it that you go to jail for 30 years?”
“I remember that well,” Rivkah softly replies, taking hold of his hand.
Howard wipes away a tear and says, “I would have got out today.”
12 views |
|
|
Processing your request, Please wait....
|
Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6996)
Moses was sitting in the Egyptian ghetto. Things were terrible. Pharaoh wouldn’t even speak to him. The rest of the Israelites were mad at him and making the overseers even more irritable than usual, etc. He was about ready to give up.
Suddenly a booming, sonorous voice spoke from above:
“You, Moses, heed me! I have good news, and bad news.”
Moses was staggered. The voice continued:
“You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel from bondage. If Pharaoh refuses to release your bonds, I will smite Egypt with a rain of frogs”
“You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel to the Promised Land. If Pharaoh blocks your way, I will smite Egypt with a plague of Locust.”
“You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel to freedom and safety. If Pharaoh’s army pursues you, I will part the waters of the Red Sea to open your path to the Promised Land.”
Moses was stunned. He stammered, “That’s… that’s fantastic. I can’t believe it! – - But what’s the bad news?”
“You, Moses, must write the Environmental Impact Statement.”
9 views |
|
|
Processing your request, Please wait....
|
Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6996)
Abe had done very well in business and had amassed a small fortune. Now he was looking to create the most unique and spectacular barmitzvah ever for his son David. But what should it be? He dismissed the Barmitzvah Safari – too many families had already done it. But then, after much investigation, Abe was sure he had cracked it – he would rent a spaceship and David would be the first barmitzvah space boy. He started on the plans immediately.
In due course, the spaceship took off with his family and friends (and his Rabbi, of course) on board. When they returned, the media was there to find out how the journey had gone.
The first person off the shuttle was the bubbeh.
“How was the service, grandma?” asked the Jewish Chronicle reporter.
“OK,” she replied.
“And how was David’s speech?”
“OK.”
“So how was the food?”
“OK.”
“Everything was just OK? Why aren’t you more enthusiastic? What went wrong?”
“There was no atmosphere.”
14 views |
|
|
Processing your request, Please wait....
|
Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6996)
Daniel is walking down Golders Green High Road when he sees in the distance his old friend Victor sitting outside Bank Leumi. Daniel hasn’t seen Victor for many years and so is looking forward to meeting him again. As Daniel comes up to Victor, he is surprised to see that Victor is not just sitting there doing nothing – he’s actually selling shmaltz herrings from a barrel – and he appears to be doing good business. Daniel goes up to Victor and within seconds they are both hugging each other.
Daniel asks, “So how are you getting on in London, Victor?”
“I’m OK,” replies Victor, “I’m making a living.”
“Well then,” says Daniel, “maybe you could lend me $20. I’m not doing so well these days.”
“I’m sorry,” replies Victor, “I just can’t do that. It’s not allowed.”
“What do you mean it’s not allowed?” asks Daniel.
“Well, in order to get Bank Leumi to allow me this pitch outside their bank, I made a deal with them. They promised not to sell shmaltz herring and I promised not to lend money.”
10 views |
|
|
Processing your request, Please wait....
|
Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6996)
Issy was talking to his analyst, “I grew up to have my father’s looks, my father’s speech patterns, my fathers posture, my father’s opinions and my mother’s contempt for my father.”
9 views |
|
|
Processing your request, Please wait....
|
|
