Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6996)
Here is why God gave the Jews the Ten Commandments. God first went to the Egyptians and asked them if they would like a commandment.
“What’s a commandment?” they asked.
“Well, it’s like, THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY,” replied God.
The Egyptians thought about it and then said, “No way. That would ruin our weekends.”
So then God went to the Syrians and asked them if they would like a commandment.
They also asked, “What’s a commandment?”
“Well,” said God, “it’s like, THOU SHALT NOT STEAL.”
The Syrians immediately replied, “No way. That would ruin our economy.”
So finally God went to the Jews and asked them if they wanted a commandment. They asked, “How much?”
God said, “They’re free.”
The Jews said, “OK. We’ll take ten!”
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Don’t ever forget that your health comes first. You can always kill yourself later.
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Morris and Ruth have just celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary. That night, as they are getting ready for bed, Morris looks carefully at Ruth.
“What are you staring at?” Ruth asks.
“Darling,” he replies, “I’ve been thinking. When we got married 25 years ago, we lived in a small apartment, we drove a cheap Ford car, we watched TV on a small 15inch black and white television and we couldn’t afford a proper bed so we had to make do with a sofa bed. However, despite all of that, I was proud to be sleeping with a sizzling 25 year old blonde. Now, however, we have a large house in Hampstead, we drive a Lexus, we have a 42 inch Sony LCD television set with Sky digital and we have a king-sized water bed. But here’s my problem – Im now sleeping with a 50 year old woman. You’re obviously not holding up your side of things and I don’t know what to do.”
Ruth, being a very reasonable and sensible lady, says to Morris, “I’ve got a solution to your problem, Morris. Go out and find a sizzling 25 year old blonde. When you find one, I’ll make sure that you’ll once again be living in a small apartment, driving a cheap Ford, sleeping on a sofa bed, and watching a 15 inch black and white television set.”
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6996)
The story is told that Lord Rothschild and Sir Isaac Wolfson met one day in the City. During a pleasant conversation, they decided to treat themselves each to a new Rolls Royce and so they took a taxi to the nearest RR showroom. When they got there, they both fell in love with the same pale blue Rolls Royce Ecstasy on display. But there was only one of these cars in the showroom.
The sales manager heard what was going on and said to the two famous millionaires, “It’s not a problem, gentlemen. If you both want one, I can get another pale blue Ecstasy from our other branch here within 45 minutes.”
“OK,” said Lord Rothschild, “get it. In the meantime, we’re going for a coffee.”
When they returned to the showroom, there stood two beautiful, gleaming, pale blue Rolls Royce Ecstasy saloons. Sir Isaac took out his chequebook but before he could open it, Lord Rothschild waved it away and said, “I wouldn’t hear of it, my dear fellow. These are on me – you paid for the coffees.”
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One day, some builders are renovating an old building in Jerusalem when Solly, one of the workers, falls through the rotten floor into a previously undiscovered cellar. As the dust settles, Solly sees to his horror a skeleton lying in the corner. The skeleton is wearing a blue and white sash with these words written on it: -
“ALL ISRAEL HIDE-AND-SEEK CHAMPION 1948″
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Moishe was an elderly man and resided in a nursing home in Hendon. One day he went into the office and informed his nurse that his penis had died. Realizing that Moishe was old and forgetful, she decided to play along with him.
“It did? I’m sorry to hear that, Moishe,” she replied.
Two days later, Moishe was walking down the hall at the nursing home with his penis hanging outside his pants. His nurse saw him and said, “Moishe, I thought you told me your penis had died.”
“It has,” Moishe replied, “today is the viewing.”
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Two Chelmites went for a walk. The first one said, “Look! Bear tracks!”
The second one disagreed, “No, those are deer tracks!” They were still arguing about it when they were hit by a train.
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reuben and moishe are walking down the road after work, talking about the days events. When in the corner of reubens eye, he saw laying in the gutter an envolope. As he picked it up he said”i vonder what dis is?”
“i dont know”says moishe”Go on all ready open it”So reuben opens the envolope, and to his amazment its a wage packet.
“oy vey,
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The Sunday school lesson had just finished and the rabbi asked if the children had any questions. Little David quickly raised his hand.
“Yes, David? What question would you like to ask me?”
“I have four questions to ask you, Rabbi. Is it true that after the children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, they then received the Ten Commandments?”
“Yes, David.”
“And the children of Israel also defeated the Philistines?”
“Yes, David, that’s also true.”
“And the children of Israel also fought the Romans and fought the Egyptians and built the Temple?”
“Again you are correct, David.”
“So my last question is, Rabbi, what were the grown-ups doing all this time?”
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What is the differance between an orthodox, reform and a conservative jewish wedding?
at an orthodox wedding the mother of the bride is pregnant.
at a conservative wedding the bride is pregnant.
and at a reform wedding the rabbi is pregnant.
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