Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6996)
Sam, Abbe and Moishe were waiting in line to get into Heaven. When Sam gets to the front of the queue, the Angel Gabriel said, “Heaven is nearly full today and I can only admit those who have had horrible deaths. What’s your story?”
“I suspected my wife was cheating on me,” says Sam, “so I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. I knew something was wrong as soon as I entered my flat, but I couldn’t find where the other guy was hiding. However, when I went out onto my balcony, there was this man hanging onto my railings. I was furious and started kicking him but he held on so I got a hammer and battered his fingers. He couldn’t take that and had to let go. He fell 20 stories but he somehow landed in some thick bushes and only stunned himself so I ran into my kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the balcony. My aim was perfect – it landed right on top of him, killing him instantly. Unfortunately, all the raw anger got to me. I had a massive heart attack and died on my balcony.”
“That sounds quite bad to me,” said the Angel Gabriel and let Sam in.
He then explains to Abbe about Heaven being full and asks for his story.
“It’s been a very unusual day for me. I live on the 21st floor of a Dockland’s tower
and every morning I do exercises on my balcony. Unfortunately, this morning I slipped on the wet floor and fell over the edge. Luckily, I managed to grab the railing of the balcony below mine. All of a sudden, a man burst out onto the balcony and just for a moment I thought I was saved. But he was a madman and started beating me. I somehow held on but when he started hammering at my hands, I had to let go. But I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, winded but OK. But my luck ran out when a fridge fell on me. Now I’m here.”
Once again, Angel Gabriel agreed that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
Moishe came to the front of the line and again the whole process was repeated. Angel Gabriel explained that Heaven was full and asked for his story.
“Picture this,” says Moishe, “I’m hiding naked inside a refrigerator… “
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6996)
Ginsberg meets his old friend Kaplan and say’s, “Kaplan, how are you? I haven’t seen you in years.” Kaplan replies, “Truthfully, Ginsberg, things have not gone very well. I just underwent the sorrow of burying my wife.” Ginsberg then exclaims, “Wait a minute, Kaplan! I distinctly remember attending your wife’s funeral ten years ago. In fact, that’s the last time I saw you.” Kaplan retorts, “No, that funeral was for my first wife.” Ginsberg then beems and with a hearty smile says, “Wait a minute, I didn’t know you had remarried. Mazel tov!”
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6996)
The Tao
The Tao has no expectations.
The Tao demands nothing of others.
The Tao does not speak.
The Tao does not blame.
The Tao does not take sides.
The Tao is definitely not Jewish.
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6996)
Hannah is talking to her best friend Sharon. They are both still single. “After my recent experiences with some of my dates, Sharon, I firmly believe men are like a fine wine.”
“Why do you say that?” asks Sharon.
“Well,” replies Hannah, “they start out as grapes and its up to women like us to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.”
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6996)
Issy the millionaire goes to Synagogue one shabbes and at the end of the service stops to shake Rabbi Levy’s hand.
“Rabbi,” says Issy, “that was a God-damned fine sermon you gave today.”
Rabbi Levy replies, “Why thank you Issy, but I’d rather you didn’t use that kind of language in the Lord’s House.”
But Issy continues, “In fact I was so God-damned impressed with your sermon that I’ve decided to send you $10,000 for the synagogue rebuilding fund.”
Rabbi Levy replies, “No shit?”
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6996)
The first Jewish woman President is elected. She calls her Mother, “Mama, I’ve won the elections, you’ve got to come to the swearing-in ceremony.”
“I don’t know, what would I wear?”
“Don’t worry, I’ll send you a dressmaker”
“But I only eat kosher food”
“Mama, I am going to be the president, I can get you kosher food”
“But how will I get there?”
“I’ll send a limo, just come mama”
“Ok, Ok, if it makes you happy.”
The great day comes and Mama is seated between the Supreme Court Justices and the Future Cabinet members, she nudges the gentleman on her right. “You see that girl, the one with her hand on the Bible? Her brother’s a doctor!”
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6996)
Naomi is out shopping in Waitrose supermarket in Brent Cross. As she goes down the aisles putting things into her trolley, she hums and sings to herself. She is still singing as she reaches the check out desk.
“My, you seem to be happy today,” says the cashier.
“Yes I am,” replies Naomi, “and I have every reason to be. Ive got a beautiful house in Mayfair, I’ve three handsome sons, all doctors, my bank account is extremely healthy and my husband Abes life is insured for $5M.”
“I’m glad to hear it,” says the cashier.
“Yes, and that’s not all,” says Naomi, “my Abe is not in the best of health.”
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6996)
Harry had some shopping to do at John Lewis department store. He walked into ladies wear, went up to the lingerie counter and quietly said to the women behind the desk, “I’d like to buy a bra as a present for my wife.”
“Of course, sir, what type of bra would you like to buy?” she asked.
“What type?” replied Harry, “do you mean to say there is more than one type?”
“Of course. Let me explain,” she said and began to show Harry bras in a variety of shapes, sizes, colours and materials. Harry looked bewildered.
“There’s no need to be confused,” she said, “there are really only four types of bra.”
When Harry asked her what the four types were, she replied, “The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, the Presbyterian type and the Jewish type.”
Still confused, Harry asked, “What are the differences between them?”
The saleslady answered, “The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and the Jewish type makes mountains out of mole hills.”
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6996)
Moishe, a medieval Jewish astrologer, prophesied that the king’s favourite mistress would soon die. Sure enough, the woman died a short time later. The king was outraged at the astrologer, certain that his prophecy had brought about the woman’s death. He summoned Moishe and commanded him, “Prophecy, tell me when you will die!”
Moishe realized that the king was planning to kill him immediately, no matter what answer he gave. “I do not know when I will die,” he answered finally. “I only know that whenever I die, the king will die three days later.”
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6996)
Sadie’s husband Bernie didn’t come home from work one day. She was a bit worried because she had not received any calls from him to say he’d be late. She rang Bernie’s office, but there was no reply and she rang Bernie’s mobile, but it was switched off. By 9pm, she was very worried. She rang all the people who might have known where he was, but nobody knew. At 10pm, she decided to go to the police station and report him missing.
When she got there, she told the duty officer, “I don’t know what to do. My husband Bernie didn’t come home from work today. I can’t live without him. Please help me.”
“OK, madam, ” he replied, “calm down. I just need you to answer a few simple questions.”
“Ask away, ” she replied.
“First of all, can you describe him for me? I need this so we can put out a search for him.”
“Well, officer, he’s 52 with brown eyes and dark brown hair – what’s left of it. He’s well built – well that’s not strictly true, he’s quite fat really, and he sweats a lot. He’s also got what I call an aggressively loud voice. He’s got two missing front teeth… .he wears thick old fashioned glasses… .and he’s… wait a minute officer, I’ve had second thoughts, maybe you shouldn’t bother looking for him.”
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