Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6994)
1. Moshe was talking to his friend. “I had it all, Hymie – money, a beautiful house and the love of a beautiful woman. Then pow! It was all gone.”
“What happened?” asked Hymie.
“My wife found out about the beautiful woman.”
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6994)
Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary and Sam says to Becky (imagine a Yiddish accent), “So, Becky, I was wondering… have you ever cheated on me?”
Becky replies, “Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don’t want to ask that question… “
“Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please… “
“Well, all right, three times… “
“Three, hmmm, well when were they?”
“Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan… remember? Then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked…? Well… “
“Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever to do such a thing for me… So when was number two?”
“Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon wanted to touch you…? Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here to do the surgery himself and then you were in good shape again…? Well… “
“Oh my G-d! Becky, you should do such a thing for me to save my life… I couldn’t have a more wonderful wife… To do such a thing, oy vay, you must really love me darling… I couldn’t be more moved… So, all right then, when was number three?”
“Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the congregation…? And you were a mere 47 votes short…?”
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Read all jokes from: Actors (+28), Jewish (+6994)
Abe was one of the best talent spotters in the USA. One day, a young fellow walks into Abe’s office and says he wants to break into show-biz, so Abe says “Okay kid, show me what you do.” The kid tells some jokes, does a little soft shoe shuffle, sings a bit, does an acrobatic act and is good enough to impress Abe.
“Great kid! Just great!,” says Abe. “I can do things for ya! I think I can get you a show on T.V.” (This was the early sixties.) “By the way, what’s your name?”
The young man, proud and excited, exclaims “Penis Van Lesbian.”
“‘S’cuse me?,” questions Abe.
“My name is Penis Van Lesbian” again replies the young man.
“Hey I’m sorry kid, you’re gonna have to change your name, nobody is gonna hire you with a name like Penis Van Lesbian.”
Well the young man is crestfallen but steadfastly refuses to change his name, so he leaves to find another agent.
A few months later he returns to Abe. “Hey kid! Good to see ya again” says Abe, “Are ya still looking for work? Have ya changed your name?”
With his head hanging low the young man replies “Yes. Every agent in town turned me down because of my name, Penis Van Lesbian. So I’ve changed it”.
“Great kid, great! What’s your new name?”
“Dick Van Dyke.”
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6994)
A rabbi, a priest, and a minister are discussing what they do with donations to their respective religious organizations.
The minister says that he draws a circle on the floor, throws the money up in the air, and whatever lands in the circle, he gives to God, and whatever lands outside the circle, he keeps.
The priest uses a similar method. He draws the circle, but whatever lands outside the circle, he gives to God, and whatever lands inside, he keeps.
The rabbi has a slightly different method of dividing the money. He throws all the money up in the air. Whatever God wants, he keeps.
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6994)
Q: The ark was built in 3 stories and the top story had a window to let light in, but how did they get light to the bottom 2 stories?
A: They used flood lights.
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6994)
Unfortunately, there has been a terrible accident at the Nuclear Energy plant and three leading nuclear physicists are very badly contaminated. After a specialist has seen them, he declares that they are all dying and none is likely to survive the night. Each is quickly asked for their dying wish.
“What would you like, Pierre?”
Pierre replies, “I would like to meet my President and be awarded the Legion of Honour for my contribution to new energy sources.”
“What would you like, John?”
John replies, “I would like to meet our Queen and be knighted for my services to cheap UK energy.”
“And what would you like, Moshe?”
Moshe replies, “I would like a second opinion.”
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6994)
Sarah is married to a well known horticulturist and is both proud and flattered when one day he creates a new type of rose and names it after her. But her happiness is soon cut short when she reads the rose’s description in the catalogue,
“No good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.”
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6994)
Abe, not the brightest of accounts department staff, is called in to see his boss.
“Abe,” says his boss, I’d like you to know that we’re quite satisfied with your work here.”
“Thank you sir,” replies Abe
“And how much are we paying you?” asks his boss.
“$15,000 per year, sir,” replies Abe.
“I’m glad,” says his boss, “You can go now.”
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6994)
When GOD made man, she was only joking
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6994)
Q: What’s the first sentence you’ll find in a Jewish cook book?
A: “Before you start, please take a few deep breaths and CALM DOWN.”
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