Mathematics of a Jewish relationship
Wise man + Wise woman = Romance
Wise man + Dumb woman = Affair
Dumb man + Wise woman = Marriage
Dumb man + Dumb woman = Pregnancy
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Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6996)
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Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6996)
* Under same management for over 5766 years.
* Beat the Rosh Hashanah rush, come to shul this shabbes.
* Dont give up. Even Moses was once a basket case.
* Come early for a good seat.
* What part of “THOU SHALT NOT” dont you understand?
* Cant sleep? Try counting your blessings.
* To belittle is to be little.
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Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6996)
Isaac has been quietly perusing a document for some time and his wife Rose is getting curious. So she asks him, “Nu, so what are you reading, Isaac?”
“Our ketubah,” he replies.
“But you’ve been staring at it now for nearly an hour,” she says.
“I know,” Isaac replies. “I’m looking for something.”
“So what are you looking for, Isaac?” asks Rose.
“An expiry date,” he replies.
ketubah: Jewish marriage certificate
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Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6996)
Q: What are the two most important things a Jewish mother needs to know about sex and marriage?
A: Who is having sex? Why aren’t they married already?
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Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6996)
A Hasidic Jew walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the man hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
An employee drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the man returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, “We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”
The Hasidic Jew replied, “Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?”
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Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6996)
Q: When does a pensioner go to bed?
A: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
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Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6996)
Morris’s local manufacturing business was broken into last night and a large quantity of wigs was stolen. Police are currently combing the area for clues.
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Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6996)
There was a christian, a muslim and a jew who were discussing who had the greatest God. The muslim started:
“I was riding my camel in the desert. Suddenly I saw a sandstorm coming closer. I got afraid, I thought my end had comen, but I didn’t lose my faith in the holy Allah. I prayed to him, and 100m from me, the sandstorm stopped.”
Then it was the christians turn:
“It was a nice day, and I was rowing my boat. The suddenly, I saw a storm coming. I got afraid, but I didn’t lose my faith in the holy Jesus, and 50m from me, the storm stopped.
Then it was the jew’s turn:
“It was a sabbath. I walked in Manhattan in my most expensive costume. Then suddenly I saw a black bag in front of me. I stopped down my hand, and when I pulled it up, it was full with money. I got afraid, because you can’t have business with money on sabbath. But I didn’t lose my faith in the holy Hashem. I prayed to him, and 500m from me it was Tuesday…
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Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6996)
Shlomo went on holiday to Spain. One day, he sat in a Spanish cafe on Fiesta Day and watched the waiter serve a fragrant and attractive dish to a party at the next table.
“What is that?” Shlomo asked.
“Senor, those are the bull’s testicles from today’s bullfights.”
“They look excellent! Bring me some.”
“Senor, there is a wait! People sign up one year in advance for such a delicacy.”
“Then sign me up! I’ll be here this time next year.”
A year of anticipation later and Fiesta Day arrives again. Shlomo is in the cafe anxiously awaiting his meal. Finally, the waiter appears with two leathery little lumps covered by gravy.
“And what is this?” cried Shlomo. “Look at them! Do you call this a meal for a Jew? Last year they were fragrant and big and fluffy! What happened?”
“Senor, the bull does not always lose.”
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Read all jokes from:Jewish (+6996)
Wife: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
Husband: Definitely not!
Wife: Why not – don’t you like being married?
Husband: Of course I do.
Wife: Then why wouldn’t you remarry?
Husband: Okay, I’d get married again.
Wife: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).
Husband: (makes audible groan).
Wife: Would you live in our house?
Husband: Sure, it’s a great house.
Wife: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
Husband: Where else would we sleep?
Wife: Would you let her drive my car?
Husband: Probably, it is almost new.
Wife: Would you replace my pictures with hers?
Husband: That would seem like the proper thing to do..
Wife: Would she use my golf clubs?
Husband: No, she’s left-handed.
Wife: – - silence – -
Husband: Whooooooooooooooooooops…
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