Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6998)
Max, a Vaadnik (union head) is addressing a union meeting at a certain unnamed Israeli government-owned company.
“Comrades – Haverim. We have agreed on a new deal with the management. We will no longer work five days a week.”
“Hooray!”, goes the crowd.
“We will finish work at 3 PM, not 4 PM.”
“Hooray!”, goes the crowd, again.
“We will start work at 9 AM, not 7 AM.”
“Hooray!”
“We have a 150% pay rise.”
“Hooray!”
“We will only work on Wednesdays.”
Silence… then a voice from the back asks, “Every Wednesday?”
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6998)
It’s the Maccabi Games in Tel Aviv and just before their race, an American sprinter asks an Israeli opponent, “So what’s your best time for the 100 meters?”
“Just over 8 seconds,” replies the Israeli.
“But the world record is around 9 seconds,” says the astonished American.
“Yes,” says the Israeli, “but I know a short cut.”
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6998)
Maurice and Hettie are out shopping one morning when Hettie says, “Darling, it’s my mothers birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her? She said she would like something electric.”
Maurice replies, “How about a chair?”
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6998)
Q: Among pensioners, what is considered ‘formal attire’?
A: Tied shoes.
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6998)
how many jewish mothers does it take to run a household?
3.
one to go “oi”
one to go “oi vey”
one to go “oi gevalt”
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6998)
Rivkah is in court finalising her divorce. As soon as she signs the final paper and realises her divorce is complete, she says out loud, “At last, now all I have to do is arrange for a Get.”
The judge hears her and asks, “Mrs Gold, what do you mean by ‘Get’?”
Rivkah replies, “Well your Honor, a Get is a religious ceremony that’s required under the Jewish religion in order to receive a divorce.”
“You mean like a Brit Milah?” asks the judge.
“Yes,” Rivkah relies, “it’s very similar. But in a Get, you get rid of the whole schmuck.”
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6998)
Rabbi Levy arrives at his shul’s weekly children’s service. This is when he gathers all the little children around him and gives them a brief Talmud lesson before dismissing them. He never misses an opportunity to give them a suitable message.
On this particular shabbes, he decides to use squirrels for an object lesson on teaching them the need for industry and preparation. So he starts out by saying to the children, “Im now going to describe something to you and I want you to raise your hand when you know what it is.”
The children nod eagerly.
“This thing runs around in trees (pause)… and eats nuts (pause)… “
No hands go up.
“And it’s grey or brown (pause)… and it has a bushy tail (pause)… “
The children look at each other, but still no hands are raised.
“And it takes big jumps from one branch to another (pause)… and it chatters and flips its tail when its excited (pause)… “
Finally, little Sam tentatively raises his hand. Rabbi Levy breathes a sigh of relief and says, “Good, Sam, so what do you think it is?”
“Well, rabbi,” says little Sam, “I know the answer must be Moses… but it sounds just like a squirrel to me!”
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Sadie is sitting on a bus in Golders Green when it stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down in front of her and begin to chat. At first, Sadie ignores them but suddenly she hears things she would rather not hear in public. One Italian says to the other,
“Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.”
“I think you two are disgusting,” shouts Sadie. “I think youre both sex maniacs and Ive a good mind to call the police. Over here in England, we dont speak aloud in public places about our sex lives… … “
“Hey, coola down lady,” says one of the men, “who talkin abouta sexa? Im a justa tellin my frienda how to spella Mississippi.”
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6998)
As Michael Grade becomes boss of ITV, can you imagine some of the great shows he will give us Jews.
I’m A Mensch, Get Me Out of Here. 12 pillars of the Jewish community including Rabbis and other lay leaders get stranded in Brooklyn, New York and have to endure a series of tests to see how Jewish they can be.
The Aleph Factor. The show to find the next Jewish superstar.
A return to Crossroads. This time based on a Jewish B&B in Bournemouth.
Weekly soap opera set in Prestwich, north west England called Circumcision Street and is about the daily lives of Jews living in Street.
The return of kids show TISWAS (Today is Shabbos With A Smile).
Ant and Decs Kosher TakeAway.
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The Lubavitch challenged Oxford University to a rowing contest but discovered that Oxford were twice as fast as they were. So the Lubavitch cox sent a spy across to Oxford to find out why and how. A few hours later the spy returns.
“Nuh,” says the Lubavitch cox, “tell all.”
“Well.” says the spy, “they do everything the other way round to us.”
“Explain,” says the cox.
“It’s simple,” says the spy, “they’ve got eight men rowing and one man shouting!”
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