Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6998)
Lawrence and Monty are in the jewellery business but they are not doing at all well. So much so that one day, Lawrence says, “we’re going into a new gesheft and we’re going to make a fortune.”
“What new gesheft?” asks Monty.
“We’re going into washing powders,” replies Lawrence.
“Washing powders?” says Monty, looking very puzzled, “what do we know from washing powders?”
“Listen, you shmuck,” says Lawrence, “it’s easy. We buy crates and crates of the powder from a wholesaler for next to gornisht and put it into little cardboard boxes. Then we sell the boxes for $1.99 each and soon we’ll be rich.”
“No, you listen to me, potts,” says Monty. “We’ll need to advertise the boxes and that will cost us a fortune.”
“OK, so let’s advertise. What’s the problem? I’ve already though of it. We can even advertise on TV,” says Lawrence.
“Meshuggeneh,” says Monty, “We’ll also need to hire a well known publicity agent and he’ll cost us a lot of gelt to come up with a suitable product name.”
“But I’ve already thought of a good name,” says Lawrence.
“OK clever clogs,” says Monty, “what name do you have?”
“We’ll call it FEKS WASHING POWDER,” replies Lawrence.
“What rubbish,” says Monty, “how can anyone come up with a slogan for a product with the name of FEKS WASHING POWDER?”
“But I’ve already thought of a slogan,” says Lawrence.
“OK wise guy,” says Monty, “let’s hear your slogan.”
“Right,” says Lawrence. “IF OMO DOESN’T WASH YOUR WHITES WHITER, AND PERSIL DOESN’T MAKE YOUR COLOURS BRIGHTER, THEN FEK IT.”
gesheft – business
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6998)
“Rabbi, why do we always have to say our prayers at night?” said little Emma.
“Because, my dear child, its cheap rate after 6 o’clock.”
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6998)
Moshe, Peter and Ali were discussing who was the most religious.
“I was riding my camel in the middle of the desert,” said Ali. Suddenly a fierce sandstorm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end had come as I lay next to my camel while we were being buried deeper and deeper under the sand. But I did not lose faith in the Almighty. I prayed and prayed and suddenly for 100 yards all around me the storm had stopped. Since that day, I am a devout believer in God.”
“One day while fishing,” said Peter, “I was in my little boat in the middle of the ocean. Suddenly a fierce storm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end had come as my boat was tossed around by the rough waves. But I did not lose my faith in Jesus. I prayed and prayed and suddenly for 300 yards all around me the storm had stopped. Since that day I’m a devout Christian and now teach young children about Him.”
“One Saturday, I was walking down the road to my synagogue in Hendon,” explained Moshe. “I was in my most expensive designer outfit. Suddenly I saw a leather bag drop to the ground in front of me. It appeared out of nowhere. I put my hand inside and found that it was full of money. I truly thought my end had come as we are not allowed to handle money on the Sabbath. But I did not lose my faith in my God. I prayed and prayed and suddenly for 500 yards all around me it was Sunday.”
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6998)
70 year old Sidney opens his eyes and sees a lovely lady in white staring at him. “Where am I?” he says.
“You’re in the Middlesex hospital, Mr Green,” she replies. “You had a nasty car crash 4 days ago and you’ve been unconscious ever since you were brought in. But don’t worry about anything – you’re in a great hospital and we’ve got the best doctor looking after you.”
“4 days, eh?” says Sidney, “it’s no wonder I’m so hungry. So bring me a hot salt beef sandwich on rye with mustard and a new green cucumber and some latkes on the side.”
“I’m sorry, your doctor has instructed me not to feed you with any solids,” says the nurse. “You’re being fed rectally. Do you see that large tube down there? If you follow it, you’ll find it is stuck up your back passage.”
“Well then,” says Sidney, “If this really is the best hospital with the best equipment, please bring me two more tubes tomorrow. Then I would very much like to invite you and my doctor to join me for lunch.”
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6998)
Issy is married to Becky, a beautiful blonde and they live in Golders Green. One very cold winter morning, they hear the following local radio announcement,
“We’re expecting up to 3 inches of snow today. To help the gritting lorries get through, please park your car on the even numbered side of your street.”
Becky goes out and moves her car. The following morning, they hear another snow warning on the radio,
“We’re expecting another 4 inches of snow today. To help the gritting lorries get through, please park your car on the odd numbered side of your street.”
Becky goes out and moves her car again. The next morning, they hear yet another snow warning on the radio,
“We’re expecting a blizzard today – at least another 6 inches of snow. You must park… “
when suddenly there is a power cut and the radio goes dead. Becky says to Issy, “Issy darling, now I don’t know what to do. What do you think I should do?”
Issy replies, “Why not just leave your car in our heated garage this time?”
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6998)
It’s Sunday evening and Rabbi Levy is in deep conversation with his friend.
“I must tell you something, Moshe,” he says, “I made nine people very, very happy today.”
“A mitzvah, Rabbi, a true mitzvah,” says Moshe, “but tell me – how did you manage to achieve this?”
“I performed four marriage ceremonies in my synagogue this afternoon,” replies Rabbi Levy.
Moshe is puzzled. “I can see how you made eight people happy, Rabbi, but what about the ninth?”
“Do you really believe I did all this for free?” replies Rabbi Levy.
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6998)
Rebecca was a kindergarten teacher. One day, during her art lesson, as she was walking around the class observing the children while they were drawing, she stopped at little Leah’s desk. Leah was working very diligently at her work.
Rebecca said, “What are you drawing, Leah?”
Leah replied, “I’m drawing God, teacher.”
Rebecca paused and then said, “But no one knows what God looks like. Leah.”
Without looking up from her work, Leah replied, “They will in a minute.”
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6998)
Max and Hyman are having a chat about what it would be like to own the richest things money can buy. “So what about owning the biggest diamond in the world?” says Max. “Now that’s something I wouldn’t mind having in my display case. Real cool.”
“Yes, I agree,” says Hyman. “By the way, Max, what’s the name of this world’s biggest diamond?”
“Koh-i-noor.” replies Max.
“I might have guessed it would be a Jewish diamond,” says Hyman.
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6998)
Abraham, an old Jewish immigrant, is a cloth merchant. He lives in London next door to Craig, the biggest Anti-Semite in town. One day Craig calls up Abraham and says, “Hey Jew. I want to buy a piece of orange cloth. The length must be from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis, and I want it delivered tomorrow.”
Abe says “OK.”
The next morning Craig is awoken at 7am by the sound of lorries. He runs outside to see dozens of lorries dumping load after load of orange cloth in his front garden. Soon the front of his house is a sea of orange cloth 5 feet deep. Abe then presents Craig with a bill for £12,000.
Craig starts yelling and screaming at Abe. “Jew, what are you doing to me? I asked you for a piece of cloth from the end of your nose to the tip of your penis. Look at this place. What do you have to say for yourself?”
Abe replies, “The tip of my penis is in Poland.”
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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6998)
Max and Leah visit a plastic surgeon. When asked what they would like done, Max replies, “It’s her tuchus, doctor, her backside is getting so large that I can no longer get my hands around it.”
“So,” says the doctor, “you would like me to perform a tuchus reduction?”
“No, no,” replies Max, “I need a hand enlargement.”
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