Read all jokes from: Irish (+51)
An American tourist travelling in Limerick came across a little antique shop in which he was lucky enough to pick up, for a mere $150, the skull of Saint Patrick. Included in the price was a certificate of the skull’s authenticity, signed by Saint Patrick himself.
Ten years later the tourist returned to Ireland and asked the antique shop owner if he had any more bargains. “I’ve got the very thing for you,” said the Irishman. “It’s the genuine skull of Saint Patrick”. “You swindler!” shouted the American. “You sold me that ten years ago,” and, producing the skull, added, “Look, they’re not even the same size!”
“You have it all wrong,” said the Irishman. “This is the skull of Saint Patrick when he was a lad.”
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Read all jokes from: Irish (+51), Travel (+295)
Two Irishmen were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from
a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, one
of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie
would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the
castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated
that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, “Make the
entire ocean into beer!”
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the
entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on
the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances.
One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: “Nice going idiot! Now
we’re going to have to piss in the boat.”
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Read all jokes from: Irish (+51), Travel (+295)
Two Irishmen were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from
a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, one
of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie
would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the
castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated
that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, “Make the
entire ocean into beer!”
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the
entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on
the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances.
One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: “Nice going idiot! Now
we’re going to have to piss in the boat.”
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Read all jokes from: Irish (+51), Travel (+295)
Tim O’Rourke was walking his Irish Setter in the country side. He picked up a stick and threw it, the dog went and retrieved it and brought it back. Tim then threw it in a different direction and the dog once again went and retrieved it and brought it back.
Tim then threw it in another direction and it landed in a small lake. The dog went down to the water’s edge, walked across the water, picked up the stick and brought it back.
Well, Tim was astounded. He couldn’t believe what he had seen and threw stick in the lake again, and the dog once again walked across the water to bring the stick back. As he went into town, he promised that he would show his dog’s wonderful new trick to the first person he came across.
Once in town the first person the dog owner came across was the town drunk Declan Dunphy. Tim dragged Declan to the lake to show him what his dog could do.
Once again, the dog owner threw the stick into the small lake and the dog went to the water’s edge, walked across the water, picked up the stick and brought it back to it’s owner. Once the drunk saw that, he turned to the dog owner and said;
“Why that’s great, mister!
But when are you going to teach your dog how to swim?”
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Read all jokes from: Irish (+51), Travel (+295)
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
“S’cuse me,” said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. “What was that all about?”
“Nothing,” said the Irishman, “my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives.”
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Read all jokes from: Irish (+51), Travel (+295)
An American walks into an Irish pub and says, “I’ll give anyone $100 if they can drink 10 Guinness’s in 10 minutes.”
Most people just ignore the absurd bet and go back to their conversations.
One guy even leaves the bar.
A little while later that guy comes back and asks the American, “Is that bet still on?”
“Sure.”
So the bartender lines 10 Guinness’s up on the bar the Irishman drinks them all in less than 10 minutes.
As the American hands over the money he asks, “Where did you go when you just left?”
The Irishman answers, “I went next door to the other pub to see if I could do it.”
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Read all jokes from: Irish (+51), Travel (+295)
McCuen stumbled out of a saloon right into the arms of Father Logan.
“Inebriated again!” declared the priest. “Shame on you! When are you going to straighten out your life?”
“Father,” asked McCuen. “What causes arthritis?”
“I’ll tell you what causes it! Drinking cheap whiskey, gambling and carousing around with loose women.
How long have you had arthritis?”
“I don’t,” slurred McCuen. “The Bishop has it!”
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Read all jokes from: Irish (+51), Travel (+295)
1. Generic-looking green van parked across the street with Notre Dame bumper sticker.
2. Every time you turn around the pitter-pattering stops and that green fire hydrant seems to have gotten a little closer.
3. Green lipstick marks on the butt of your Dockers.
4. You’re being followed by a large woman with a sultry voice and a dying career. (Oops! That’s a sign you’re being stalked by Chaka Khan.)
5. You don’t recall owning an anatomically correct lawn gnome.
6. Card delivered with the bouquet of 4-leaf clovers reads, “I bet you’re magically delicious!”
7. When you come home from work, the potatoes are missing from the cupboard and your parrot is singing “Danny Boy.”
8. Prank caller has a really corny Irish accent, and Richard Gere has an airtight alibi.
9. Those tiny green hairs on your toilet seat.
10. Sultry voice from shower soap dish asks, “Is that your shillelagh, or are you just happy to see me?”
11. Pink hearts, yellow moons, blue diamonds scratched on your car at knee-level, and Ross Perot is nowhere to be found.
12. Them little green pellets in the litter box ain’t M&M’s, Chester.
13. Every day this week you’ve noticed the same buckle shoes dangling just above the floor in the stall next to you.
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Read all jokes from: Irish (+51)
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.
“Come have a look over here,” says Paddy, “It’s Michael O’Grady’s grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87.”
“That’s nothing,” says Sean, “here’s one named Patrick O’Toole. It says here that he was 95 when he died.”
Just then, Shamus yells out, “But here’s a fella that died when he was 145 years old!”
“What was his name?” asks Paddy.
Shamus lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, “Miles, from Dublin.”
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Read all jokes from: Irish (+51), Travel (+295)
Tim O’Rourke was walking his Irish Setter in the country side. He picked up a stick and threw it, the dog went and retrieved it and brought it back. Tim then threw it in a different direction and the dog once again went and retrieved it and brought it back.
Tim then threw it in another direction and it landed in a small lake. The dog went down to the water’s edge, walked across the water, picked up the stick and brought it back.
Well, Tim was astounded. He couldn’t believe what he had seen and threw stick in the lake again, and the dog once again walked across the water to bring the stick back. As he went into town, he promised that he would show his dog’s wonderful new trick to the first person he came across.
Once in town the first person the dog owner came across was the town drunk Declan Dunphy. Tim dragged Declan to the lake to show him what his dog could do.
Once again, the dog owner threw the stick into the small lake and the dog went to the water’s edge, walked across the water, picked up the stick and brought it back to it’s owner. Once the drunk saw that, he turned to the dog owner and said;
“Why that’s great, mister!
But when are you going to teach your dog how to swim?”
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