Canada, in view of recent events, will be changing the maple leaf on the flag to a marijuana plant.
That way, the people of Quebec will have good reason to burn the flag.
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Read all jokes from:Canada (+44)
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Read all jokes from:Canada (+44)
1. Vancouver RCMP in urgent need of five thousand gallons of pepper spray delayed in transit by strike.
2. Preston Manning thinks “back to work” is really “back to slavery.”
3. Conspiracy on the part of “X-Files” TV producers, who are running out of things for Sculley and Mulder to investigate.
4. Parti Quebecois votes “oui” to everything.
5. Hockey fans think if strike ends soon, they can send Mark Messier to Japan Olympics via inexpensive parcel post.
6. Georges Clermont, considering retiring from his $380,000 annual income job as Canada Post President, wants to make sure he gets his pension cheques promptly.
7. Conservative party still blames postie union for loss of several hundred seats during previous two elections.
8. Sheila Copps terrified she won’t get the latest Victoria’s Secret catalogue in time for Xmas shopping.
9. Bill Gates told Jean Chretien “Don’t negotiate; everyone who counts has e-mail.”
10. Roche Carrier still sore about that darn sweater.
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Read all jokes from:Canada (+44)
An American, a Jew and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes.
Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.
“Well,” said the American, “I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Jew and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to the earth. So, of course, I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here.”
“That’s amazing!” said one of the doctors, “But what happened to the other two?”
“Last I saw them,” replied the American, “the Jew was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his!”
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Read all jokes from:Canada (+44)
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, “Where have you been?”
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, “Look Michael, look what I’ve made.”
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, “What is it?” “It’s a planet,” replied God, “and I’ve put LIFE on it. I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a great place of balance.”
“Balance?” inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, “For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I’ve placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people,” God continued, pointing to different countries. “This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.”
The Archangel, impressed by God’s work, then pointed to a large land mass near the top of the earth and asked, “What’s that one?” “Ah,” said God, “that’s Canada, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast-lines. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent, and humorous and they’re going to be found traveling the world. They’ll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace.”
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, “What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!” God replied wisely “Wait until you see the loud-mouths I’m putting next to them.”
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Read all jokes from:Canada (+44)
You may not pay for a fifty-cent item with only pennies.
* In British Columbia, it is illegal to kill a sasquatch.
* Citizens may not publicly remove bandages.
* In Montreal, you may not swear in French.
* Also in Montreal, citizens may not relieve themselves or spit on the street. Punishable by a fine of over 100 Canadian dollars.
* In Beaconsfield, it is considered an offense to have more than two colors of paint on your house.
* In Toronto, you can’t drag a dead horse down Yonge St. on a Sunday.
* The city of Guelph is classified as a no-pee zone.
* In New Brunswick, driving on the roads is not allowed.
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Read all jokes from:Canada (+44), You live in if (+45)
You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
The local paper covers national and international headlines on two pages, but requires six pages for hockey.
The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
You eat chocolate bars, not candy bars, and drink pop, not soda.
You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the missing u’s from labor, honor, and color.
You know how to say free, prize and no sugar added in French thanks to your extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging.
You know what a toque is.
You’ve plugged a car in overnight.
You’ve defended your property from trespassers with a lacrosse stick because you don’t own a gun.
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Read all jokes from:Canada (+44)
Q: How do you get the Canadian paparazzi off your front lawn?
A: You say “Please get off my front lawn.”
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Read all jokes from:Canada (+44)
The Canadians are going to help America with the war on terrorism. They have pledged 2 of their biggest battle ships, 6000 ground troops and 6 fighter jets.
However, after the American exchange rate we ended up with 2 Mounties, 1 canoe, and some flying squirrels.
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Read all jokes from:Canada (+44)
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, “Where have you been?”
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, “Look Michael, look what I’ve made.”
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, “What is it?” “It’s a planet,” replied God, “and I’ve put LIFE on it. I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a great place of balance.”
“Balance?” inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, “For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I’ve placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people,” God continued, pointing to different countries. “This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.”
The Archangel, impressed by God’s work, then pointed to a large land mass near the top of the earth and asked, “What’s that one?” “Ah,” said God, “that’s Canada, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast-lines. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent, and humorous and they’re going to be found traveling the world. They’ll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace.”
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, “What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!” God replied wisely “Wait until you see the loud-mouths I’m putting next to them.”
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Read all jokes from:Canada (+44)
You may not pay for a fifty-cent item with only pennies.
* In British Columbia, it is illegal to kill a sasquatch.
* Citizens may not publicly remove bandages.
* In Montreal, you may not swear in French.
* Also in Montreal, citizens may not relieve themselves or spit on the street. Punishable by a fine of over 100 Canadian dollars.
* In Beaconsfield, it is considered an offense to have more than two colors of paint on your house.
* In Toronto, you can’t drag a dead horse down Yonge St. on a Sunday.
* The city of Guelph is classified as a no-pee zone.
* In New Brunswick, driving on the roads is not allowed.
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