Read all jokes from:
Alaska (+171)
You’re outside at -40 below, shoveling snow in your shorts (well, you know it’s a hassle putting on all those clothes for just 10 minutes).
Your friend calls you up and says, “Hey, I have some furniture for sale. Is there enough room in your igloo for it?”
You are vacationing in Hawaii and a beautiful woman in a bikini walks by and you think, “Boy, I’d sure like to see her in a snowmobile suit!”
You can see the road through the floorboard of your pickup truck.
You have called an 800 number you found in a catalog and then were told “Alaska? Oh, we don’t ship out of the United States.” (Try saying “North Pole” – most places usually laugh for a solid minute, or they just hang up thinking you’re some kind of prankster.)
You put up with the pain of a toothache until the Permanent Fund Dividend checks come out in October.
You know going “outside” involves a whole lot more than opening a door and walking into the yard.
You have ever worn a tie with waders.
You have learned to never say to your kids, “Be home by dark.”
You know Bunny Boots aren’t worn by bunnies or made out of bunnies.
You know the meaning of the word “baleen” and it has nothing to do with making hay into large cubes.
You think it’s normal for a town to put all the businesses on one side of the road.
There are only three seasons: winter, breakup, summer.
Your local golf course has “happy hour” between 1:00 and 2:00 a.m.
The seat in your outhouse is lined with styrofoam so your butt won’t freeze to it when you have to sit down for any length of time.
You have to set your alarm every three hours to go start you car and let it run for 20 minutes so hopefully it will start in the morning so you can go to work.
When you leave the water running in the sink so your pipes won’t freeze… and you can’t sleep because all you can hear is the water running.
Instead of plugging in your freezer, you just move it to the front porch!
You open your freezer to take out something for dinner, and are faced with many choices, Pink Salmon, Silver Salmon, Red Salmon, King Salmon, Smoked Salmon, or Halibut!
You go to shop for a second vehicle and come home with a snowmobile!
You’re buying a house & you have to ask for water & electricity as an option.
You take off your shirt and your arms are as pale as your legs all the way to your wrists.
You know that the term “Break Up” has more to do with the weather than personal relationships.
Your monthly phone bill is larger than your house payment.
There is a bottle of Avon’s Skin-So-Soft in your tackle box.
You don’t know anyone who doesn’t own a 4-wheeler.
You have ever taken a trip “outside” and tried to cash a traveler’s check drawn on an Alaskan bank, and the cashier asked you the current exchange rate in Alaska.
You have ever washed your car while there was still snow on the ground.
You have ever power-washed your car by parking driver’s side into the rain in the morning, and passenger side into the rain in the afternoon. (a Dutch Harbor thing)
You have tennis elbow but have never played tennis, just snagged a lot of salmon.
You know a honey bucket is really a bucket, but it’s not really full of honey. (If you don’t know, don’t ask)
You know that the Rat Net is not a rodent-catching device.
You know the Naknek twitch is an illegal fishing technique, not a spasmodic muscle in your neck.
You travel for two days to get outside but none of your family members will travel more than two minutes to visit you.
You learned to swim indoors.
You leave your Christmas lights up, year round, because as soon as it gets warm enough to take them down it starts getting dark enough to put them up again.
Your bedroom windows are covered in aluminum foil.
You had waffle soles put on your cowboy boots.
Your monthly veterinarian bill is more than your own medical bill.
You know that a “handi-man-jack” is a device designed to lift a car to change a flat, not a guy named Jack that comes around your house on Saturdays to repair minor problems.
You know a “white out” has to do with winter conditions, not correcting fluid for typos.
It warms up to -35 degrees (Fahrenheit) and you go out in your short sleeves to wash you car.
You drive for a mile on square tires on a -65 morning before they eventually become normal.
When you have to put your sun visor down at 3:00 a.m.
All of your relatives refer to you as “that crazy person that lives up there!”
Your kids think that you have to get on a airplane to go on vacation.
Freezing, 32 degrees (Fahrenheit), is warm enough to wash your car.
You only own four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
You design your Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit.
The mosquitoes have landing lights.
You have more miles on you snowblower than your car.
You have 10 favorite recipes for moose meat.
You’ve taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes get filled with snow.
You think sexy lingerie is fleece socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.
You think the start of moose season is a national holiday.
You frequently clean grease off your barbecue so the bears won’t prowl on your deck.
You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
The mayor greets you on the street by your first name.
There is only one shopping plaza in town.
The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
The major parish fundraiser isn’t bingo – its sausage making.
You find -60c a might chilly.
The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.
You attended a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewels and your Sorrels.
You can play road hockey on ice skates.
Shoveling the driveway constitutes a great upper body workout.
You know the 4 seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter, and Construction.
Rush hour isn’t something you drive, it’s when a bear is after you!
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Read all jokes from:
Arizona (+117)
An elderly Eastern motorist and his wife driving through Arizona on vacation saw a horseman riding alongside the road and stopped to ask if he were a real cowboy. The man answered, “Yes.”
“We recognize your hat, shirt, leather vest and Levi’s as authentic Western wear,” the motorist said, “but why are you wearing tennis shoes?”
“Because if I wore boots people would think I was a truck driver,” he replied.
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Read all jokes from:
Arizona (+117)
* The birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out of the ground.
* The trees are whistling for the dogs.
* The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
* Hot water now comes out of both taps. You can make sun tea instantly.
* You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
* The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.
* You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
* You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
* You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
* You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a. m.
* Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, “What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?”
* You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
* The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
* Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.
* The cows are giving evaporated milk.
* You no longer associate bridges with water.
* You can say “115 degrees” without fainting.
* You have made instant sun tea.
* You have learned that a seat belt makes a good branding iron.
* The temperature drops below 85, and you feel a bit chilled.
* You have never seen a snow shovel and don’t know anyone who owns one.
* You have learned that, in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.
* You have discovered you can get sunburn through your car window.
* You notice the best parking place is determined by shade, not distance.
* It’s noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is on the streets.
* Hot water comes out of both taps.
* You do not own an umbrella and would not know where to go to get one.
* You are comfortable at 102 degrees.
* You have spent the entire day trying to find a store that carries snow chains for your car.
* You actually burned your hand opening the car door.
* No one you know would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning.
* If the local weather service records 0.02 inches they call it rain.
* You don’t know anyone who owns a raincoat.
* You have cooked a dozen eggs in the trunk of your car between the grocery store and your home.
* Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, “What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?”
* You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
* Half of your neighbors are from California and the other half are from New York.
* You think snow on the ground is an abstract concept.
* You have forgotten how to drive on wet roads.
* The local cows have been known to give powdered milk.
* The trees are whistling for the dogs.
* You pray, “I wish it would rain; not so much for me, because I’ve seen it, but for my 7-year-old.”
* You can say, “but it’s dry heat” without laughing.
* The water in your pool has been too hot to swim in and you don’t even have a pool heater.
* You have cooked outside without lighting the grill.
* Your power bill in the summer is more than your mortgage payment.
* You have had to take out a loan to pay your water bill.
* You have ever golfed when it was 117 degrees.
* The song “I’m dreaming of a White Christmas” has no real meaning.
* You think it is autumn when the temperature drops to 99 degrees.
* You’ve golfed in December in a short-sleeved shirt.
* You’ve tried to work on your car in the summertime and burned your hand
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Read all jokes from:
America US (+264)
“Arizona is banking on a new slogan to lure millions of visitors and their dollars to the state.
“It’s ‘Arizona–One Grand Adventure After Another.’” “The slogan, picked from more than 20,000 entries, in a contest sponsored by the Arizona Office of Tourism, was announced Wednesday.”[it goes on, but here are some of the losers:]
Arizona–Bring your camera and your Grandma
Arizona–Come on vacation, Leave on probation
Arizona–A Yucca Minute
Arizona–You Never Have to Shovel Sunshine
Arizona–Where you can Have a Dirt Lawn and it’s OK
Arizona–Come see it, Pilgrim
Arizona has the hots for you
Arizona–The Happy Jumping Cholla State
Get your AZ over here
Hug a zonie
Arizona–The Zippy Zone
Arizona–It will Thaw Your Chilis
Arizona–Sunny with Scattered Flowers
Arizona–Better than the State You’re In
Arizona–It’s not Kansas and it Never was
The winner won a free houseboat vacation on Lake Powell, most of which is in Utah.
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Read all jokes from:
America US (+264),
Irish (+51),
Travel (+295),
Women (+407)
A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable, the food is terrible, it’s too hot, it’s too cold, and the accommodations are awful.
The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. “Good luck will be following you all your days, if you kiss the Blarney Stone,” the guide said. “Unfortunately, it’s being cleaned today so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow.”
“We can’t come back tomorrow,” the nasty woman shouted. “We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can’t kiss the stupid stone.”
“Well now,” the guide said, “it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you’ll have the same good fortune.”"And I suppose you’ve kissed the stone,” the woman scoffed.
“No, ma’am,” the frustrated guide said, “but I’ve sat on it.”
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Read all jokes from:
Arkansas (+102)
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 47 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, “Oh, Sh-t!”
Only the states of South Carolina, West Virginia and Arkansas were different, where over 89.3 percent of the final words were: “Hold my beer and watch this!”
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