Q: What do you call a good looking woman in Alaska?
A: Tourist
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Read all jokes from:Alaska (+171)
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Read all jokes from:Arizona (+117)
The Devil wanted a place on earth.
Sort of a summer home:
A place to spend his vacation
Whenever he wanted to roam.
So he picked out Arizona.
A place both wretched and rough.
Here the climate was to his liking
And the cowboys were hardened and tough.
He dried up the streams in the canyons
and ordered no rain to fall:
He dried up the lakes in the valleys,
Then baked and scorched it all.
Then over his barren desert
He transplanted shrubs from Hell.
The cactus, thistle and prickly pear –
The climate suited them well.
Now, the home was much to his liking.
But animal life, he had none:
So he created crawling creatures
That all mankind would shun.
First he made the rattlesnake.
With its forked poisonous tongue:
Taught it to strike and rattle
And how to swallow its young.
Then he made Scorpions and Lizards
And the ugly old Horned Toad.
He placed spiders of every description
Under rocks by the side of the road.
Then he ordered the sun to shine hotter.
Hotter and hotter still.
Until even the cactus wilted
And the old Horned Toad looked ill.
Then he gazed on his earthly kingdom.
As any creator would:
He chuckled a little up his sleeve
And admitted that it was good.
‘Twas summer now and Satan lay
By a prickly pear to rest.
The sweat rolled off his wearthy brow.
So he took off his coat and vest.
“By Golly,” he finally panted
“I did my job too well.
I’m going back where I came from
Arizona is hotter than Hell!”
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Read all jokes from:America US (+264)
Osama Bin Laden, your time is short;
We’d rather you die, than come to court.
Why are you hiding if it was in God’s name?
You’re just a punk with a turban; a pathetic shame.
I have a question, about your theory and laws;
“How come you never die for the cause?”
Is it because you’re a coward who counts on others?
Well, here in America, we stand by our brothers.
As is usual, you failed in your mission;
If you expected pure chaos, you can keep on wishing.
Americans are now focused and stronger than ever; Your death has become our next endeavor.
What you tried to kill, doesn’t live in our walls;
It’s not in buildings or shopping malls.
If all of our structures came crashing down;
It would still be there, safe and sound.
Because pride and courage can’t be destroyed;
Even if the towers leave a deep void.
We’ll band together and fill the holes;
We’ll bury our dead and bless their souls.
But then our energy will focus on you;
And you’ll feel the wrath of the Red, White and Blue!
So slither and hide like a snake in the grass;
Because America’s coming to kick your ass!!!
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Read all jokes from:Arizona (+117)
It was a very tight Christmas for one family. The father told his small son that he could only have one small gift. The little boy said, “I want a Mickey Mouse hat.” That year he got the hat he wanted.
The next year was again very bad and the child was told that he could only choose one gift. The little boy said, “I want a Mickey Mouse shirt.” He got the shirt.
The third year was much better. The father told his son that Christmas that he could have whatever he wanted. The excited little boy shouted, “I want a Mickey Mouse outfit.”
So his dad bought him the Arizona Cardinals.
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Read all jokes from:Alabama (+375)
An Auburn fan and an Alabama fan both go over to Tunica to do a little gambling. After a couple of hours the Alabama fan was broke. He looks over and sees the Auburn fan with a wheelbarrel full of quarters.
The Alabama fan walks over to him and says, “Wow, where did you win all that?”
To which the Auburn fan replies, “You see that machine on the wall over there? If you put a dollar in you get four quarters back every time!”
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Read all jokes from:Arizona (+117)
It seems that a young man in Kansas decided to write a book about churches around the country. He decided to start in New York and head west.
He enters a large cathedral in New York and notices a golden phone with a sign that reads “$10,000/minute.” Intrigued, he asked the the pastor what the deal was. The pastor explained that this phone was a direct line to heaven and you could personally speak to God. The young man moved on to the next church.
As he went through church after church moving across the country, he saw the same phone with the same sign. Finally, he entered a church in Arizona. And again, he saw the same phone, but this time it had a sign that read “Calls: $0.25/each.” The young man asked the local pastor what this phone was for.
“This is a direct line to heaven, and you can speak directly to God,” replied the pastor.
“Yes, but all of the other phones in all of the other churches were $10,000/minute. Why is this one only 25 cents for a call?” questioned the young man.
“Well you’re in Arizona now, so this is a local call.”
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Read all jokes from:America US (+264), Travel (+295)
The following are actual stories told by travelers from Mendocino County, California to travel agents in the UK…
A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, “Don’t lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state.”
A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, “Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?”
I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with “I’m not trying to make you look stupid but Capetown is in Massachusetts.” Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, “Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa.” Her response… click.
A secretary called in looking for hotel in Los Angeles. She gave me various names off a list, none of which I could find I finally had her fax me the list. To my surprise, it was a list of hotels in New Orleans, Louisiana. She thought the LA stood for Los Angeles, and that New Orleans was a suburb of LA Worst of all, when I called her back, she was not even embarrassed.
I got a call from a man who asked, “is it possible to see England from Canada?” I said, “No.” He said “But they look so close on the map.”
Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a one-hour lay-over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, “I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time.”
A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
A woman called and asked, “Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who’s luggage belongs to who?” I said, “No, why do you ask?” She replied, “Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I’m overweight, is there any connection?” After putting her on hold for a minute while I “looked into it” (I was actually laughing), I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
I just got off the phone with a man who asked, “How do I know which plane to get on?” I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, “I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.”
A woman called and said, “I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola on one of those computer planes.” I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, “Yeah, whatever.”
A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. “Oh no I don’t, I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those.” I double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, “Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express.”
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Read all jokes from:Arizona (+117)
An Arizonan and a Texan were driving through Arizona one afternoon. As they drove down the highway, the Arizonan pointed out the sights.
Pointing out the car window, the Arizonan notes, “Look, over there is a cattle ranch.”
“We have cattle ranches that are at least twice that size in Texas,” claimed the Texan.
They drove on for another hour, and the Arizonan pointed out an area of cotton fields.
“In Texas, we have cotton fields that are much bigger than that,” noted the Texan.
By this time, the Arizonan was starting to get annoyed. Not wanting to be outdone, he continued driving. An hour later, they reached northwestern Arizona. The Texan looks out the window at the Grand Canyon, points, and asks, “What is that?”
Without missing a beat, the Arizonan replies, “Don’t you have irrgation ditches in Texas?”
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Read all jokes from:Alabama (+375)
Q: What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas, and a hurricane in Florida have in common?
A: Somebody’s fixin’ to lose them a trailer.
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