Read all jokes from: Maine (+24)
* You own more than four pair of gloves.
* every other vehicle is a 4X4.
* camping is allowed it’s only in steel sided campers.
* when the sun goes down, you start looking for your coat.
* in March your vehicle is 43% mud.
* You leave your keys in your car and the next morning your car is still there.
* You’re on the shoulder of the highway with your hood up and somebody stops to help you.
* You can pay for six big macs with a personal check.
* drive by shootings only occur on the evening news.
* Your central heating system is fueled by large logs.
* You see numerous chauffeur-driven dogs.
* You can see the stars at night.
* people drive 100 miles to shop in a real mall.
* a deer throws itself under your wheels.
* You got a set of new snow tires for Valentines day.
* more than 1/2 the meat in your freezer is moose.
* the term “chill factor” is part of your daily vocabulary.
* the bumper jack in your pickup will lift a house.
* You only paid $5 to cut down your own douglas fir christmas tree.
* You enjoy a hot chocolate more than you do a margarita.
* a girls basketball game fill’s the school gym.
* You put the car heater on your list of best friends.
* You pawned a snow blower instead of a set of golf clubs.
* dressing up means wearing a tie with your flannel shirt.
* You think you’re in a traffic jam when you’re in the second car at the light.
* You don’t use your blinker because everyone already knows where you’re going.
* Your long john’s don’t come off until mid-May!
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Read all jokes from: Maine (+24)
1. Log on – Make the wood stove hotter
2. Log off – Don’t add no more wood
3. Monitor – Keep an eye on that wood stove
4. Download – Getting the firewood off the truck
5. Floppy disk – What you get from downloading too much firewood
6. Ram – The thing that splits the firewood
7. Hard Drive – Getting home in the winter
8. Prompt – What the US mail ain’t in the winter
9. Window – What to shut when its cold outside
10. Screen – What to shut in black fly season
11. Byte – What the black flies do
12. Bit – What the black flies did
13. Mega Byte – What the BIG black flies do during trout season
14. Chip – Munchies for TV
15. Micro Chip – What’s left in the bag after you eat chips
16. Modem – What you did to the weeds growing in the driveway
17. Dot matrix – Old Dan Matrix’s wife
18. Lap top – Where the beer spills when you nod off
19. Software – The dumb plastic knives and forks at McDonalds
20. Hardware – Real stainless steel cutlery
21. Mouse – What makes the holes in the Cheerio box
22. Main frame – What holds the house up, hopefully
23. Enter – The only way to win those magazine sweepstakes
24. Web – What a spider makes
25. Web site – High corners of the ceiling
26. Cursor – Someone who swears
27. Search Engine – What you do when the car dies
28. Screen Saver – repair kit for the torn window screen on the camp
29. Home Page – map you keep in your back pocket in case you get lost in the woods
30. Upgrade – Steep hill
31. Server – waitress
32. Mail Server – male waitress. Darn few in Maine
33. MS DOS – Some new disease they discovered
34. Sound Card – One of them technological birthday cards that plays music when you open it
35. User – The neighbor who keeps borrowing your stuff
36. Browser – A problem moose in the Garden or Blueberry patch
37. Network – Mending holes in the gillnet
38. Internet – Complicated fish net repair
39. Netscape – What haddock do when you don’t do your network
40. Online – good sign there’ll be clean clothes this week
41. Off line – the clothes pins let go and the laundry falls on the ground -better luck next week
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Read all jokes from: Maine (+24)
60 above zero
New Yorkers try to turn on the heat….
People in Maine plant gardens.
50 above zero
Californians shiver uncontrollably…….
People in Maine sunbathe.
40 above
Italian cars won’t start…..
People in Maine drive with the windows down.
32 above
Distilled water freezes…..
Moosehead Lak’s water gets thicker (for non-Mainers, this is a lake in Maine)
20 above
Floridians wear coats, gloves and woolly hats…..
People in Maine throw on a sweatshirt.
15 above
New York landlords finally turn up the heat….
People in Maine have the last cook-out before it gets cold.
zero degrees
People in Miami cease to exist….
Mainers lick the flagpole.
-20 below
Californians fly away to Mexico….
People in Maine get out their winter coats.
-40 below
Hollywood disintergrates…..
The girl scouts in Maine begin selling cookies door to door.
-60 below
Polar bears begin to evacuate Antarctica
Maine’s Boy Scouts postpone “Winter Survival” classes until it gets cold enough.
-80 below
Mt. St. Helen’s freezes…
People in Maine to ice skating or skiing.
-100 below
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole…..
Maine-iacs get frustrated when they can’t thaw the keg.
-297 below
Microbial life survives on dairy products….
Cows in Maine complain of farmers with cold hands.
-460 below
ALL atomic motion stops…..
People in Maine start saying…”Cold ’nuff for ya?”
-500 below
Hell freezes over……
The New England Patriots win the Super Bowl!
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Read all jokes from: Maine (+24)
* You own more than four pair of gloves.
* every other vehicle is a 4X4.
* camping is allowed it’s only in steel sided campers.
* when the sun goes down, you start looking for your coat.
* in March your vehicle is 43% mud.
* You leave your keys in your car and the next morning your car is still there.
* You’re on the shoulder of the highway with your hood up and somebody stops to help you.
* You can pay for six big macs with a personal check.
* drive by shootings only occur on the evening news.
* Your central heating system is fueled by large logs.
* You see numerous chauffeur-driven dogs.
* You can see the stars at night.
* people drive 100 miles to shop in a real mall.
* a deer throws itself under your wheels.
* You got a set of new snow tires for Valentines day.
* more than 1/2 the meat in your freezer is moose.
* the term “chill factor” is part of your daily vocabulary.
* the bumper jack in your pickup will lift a house.
* You only paid $5 to cut down your own douglas fir christmas tree.
* You enjoy a hot chocolate more than you do a margarita.
* a girls basketball game fill’s the school gym.
* You put the car heater on your list of best friends.
* You pawned a snow blower instead of a set of golf clubs.
* dressing up means wearing a tie with your flannel shirt.
* You think you’re in a traffic jam when you’re in the second car at the light.
* You don’t use your blinker because everyone already knows where you’re going.
* Your long john’s don’t come off until mid-May!
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Read all jokes from: Maine (+24)
Some engineers from the U.S.G.S. surveyed some property and found that in a certain area, the New Hampshire and Maine border must be changed.
They stopped to inform a farmer that he was no longer in Maine, but in New Hampshire.
After a long pause, he grunted and said, “That’s good. I couldn’t take another one of these Maine winters.”
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Read all jokes from: Maine (+24)
Some engineers from the U.S.G.S. surveyed some property and found that in a certain area, the New Hampshire and Maine border must be changed.
They stopped to inform a farmer that he was no longer in Maine, but in New Hampshire.
After a long pause, he grunted and said, “That’s good. I couldn’t take another one of these Maine winters.”
26 views |
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Read all jokes from: Maine (+24)
60 above zero
New Yorkers try to turn on the heat….
People in Maine plant gardens.
50 above zero
Californians shiver uncontrollably…….
People in Maine sunbathe.
40 above
Italian cars won’t start…..
People in Maine drive with the windows down.
32 above
Distilled water freezes…..
Moosehead Lak’s water gets thicker (for non-Mainers, this is a lake in Maine)
20 above
Floridians wear coats, gloves and woolly hats…..
People in Maine throw on a sweatshirt.
15 above
New York landlords finally turn up the heat….
People in Maine have the last cook-out before it gets cold.
zero degrees
People in Miami cease to exist….
Mainers lick the flagpole.
-20 below
Californians fly away to Mexico….
People in Maine get out their winter coats.
-40 below
Hollywood disintergrates…..
The girl scouts in Maine begin selling cookies door to door.
-60 below
Polar bears begin to evacuate Antarctica
Maine’s Boy Scouts postpone “Winter Survival” classes until it gets cold enough.
-80 below
Mt. St. Helen’s freezes…
People in Maine to ice skating or skiing.
-100 below
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole…..
Maine-iacs get frustrated when they can’t thaw the keg.
-297 below
Microbial life survives on dairy products….
Cows in Maine complain of farmers with cold hands.
-460 below
ALL atomic motion stops…..
People in Maine start saying…”Cold ’nuff for ya?”
-500 below
Hell freezes over……
The New England Patriots win the Super Bowl!
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Read all jokes from: Maine (+24)
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using ones’s OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to “bruise” the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table…no matter how good his manners are.
DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you’re interested: “I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom stall two years ago.”
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say “Monday.” If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can’t hear you.
WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It’s considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
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Read all jokes from: Maine (+24)
I have a friend in Maine who lives out in the country in a house he and his wife built.
One day he was talking to his nephew and the following conversation ensued:
“Uncle, do people buy houses?”
“Yes.”
“How do they get them home?”
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Read all jokes from: Maine (+24)
Some engineers from the U.S.G.S. surveyed some property and found that in a certain area, the New Hampshire and Maine border must be changed.
They stopped to inform a farmer that he was no longer in Maine, but in New Hampshire.
After a long pause, he grunted and said, “That’s good. I couldn’t take another one of these Maine winters.”
38 views |
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