An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank account.
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Read all jokes from:Illinois (+18)
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Read all jokes from:Illinois (+18)
On a recent tour of the United States, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to visit the Florida coastline on an impromptu sightseeing trip.
His 4×4 Pope-mobile was driving along the beautiful shoreline when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland.
They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene, the Pope noticed in the water a hapless man wearing a Chicago Cubs baseball jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a huge shark.
At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing White Sox jerseys roared into view from around the point. Immediately, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark’s ribs, immobilizing it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Cubs fan from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.
They bundled the bleeding, semiconscious man into the boat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat when they heard frantic shouting from the shore.
It was the Pope summoning them to the beach. After they reached the shore, the Pope praised them for the rescue and said, “I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there was bitter hatred between the people of south and north sides of Chicago, but now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of true harmony and could serve as a model on which others could follow.”
He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust. As he departed, the harpooner asked the others, “Who was that?”
“That,” one answered, “that was the Holy Father, His Holiness the Pope, the head of the Roman Catholic Church and the spiritual leader of millions of faithful Christians around the world.”
“Well,” the harpooner replied, “He doesn’t seem to know diddley about shark fishing. Is the bait holding up okay or do we need to get another one?”
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Read all jokes from:Illinois (+18)
Just in case we need to remember how bad it can be, here are 20 major events that have occurred since the Chicago Cubs last laid claim to a World Series championship:
1. Radio was invented… Cubs fans got to hear their team lose.
2. TV was invented… Cubs fans got to see their team lose.
3. Baseball added 14 teams… Cubs fans get to see and hear their team lose to more clubs.
4. George Burns celebrated his 10th, 20th, 30th, 40th, 50th, 60th, 70th, 80th, 90th and 100th birthdays.
5. Haley’s comet passed Earth… TWICE.
6. Harry Caray was born… and died. Incredible, but true.
7. The NBA, NHL and NFL were formed, and Chicago teams won championships in each league.
8. Man landed on the moon… as have several home runs given up by Cubs pitchers.
9. Sixteen U.S. presidents were elected.
10. Eleven amendments were added to the Constitution.
11. Prohibition was created… repealed.
12. The Titanic was built, set sail, sank, was discovered, and became the subject of major motion pictures, the latter giving Cubs fans hope that something that finishes on the bottom can come out on top.
13. Wrigley Field was built… and becomes the oldest park in the National League.
14. Flag poles were erected on Wrigley Field’s roof to hold all of the team’s future World Series pennants. Those flag poles have since rusted and been taken down.
15. A combination of 40 Summer and Winter Olympics have been held.
16. Thirteen baseball players have won the Triple Crown; several thanked Cubs pitchers.
17. Bell-bottoms came in style and went out… and came back in.
18.The Cleveland Indians, Boston Red Sox, Arizona Diamondbacks and the Florida Marlins have all won the World Series.
19. The Cubs played 14,153 regular-season games, and lost the majority of them.
20. Alaska, Arizona, Hawaii, Oklahoma and New Mexico were added to the Union.
Go Cubs!
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Read all jokes from:Illinois (+18)
A guy was traveling through Mexico on vacation when, lo and behold, he lost his wallet and all identification.
Cutting his trip short, he attempts to make his way home but is stopped by the Customs Agent at the border.
“May I see your identification, please?” asks the agent.
“I’m sorry, but I lost my wallet,” replies the guy.
“Sure, buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no crossing the border,” says the agent.
“But I can prove that I’m an American!” he exclaims. “I have a picture of Bill Clinton tattooed on one butt cheek and a picture of George Bush on the other.”
“This I gotta see,” replies the agent.
With that, Joe drops his pants and bends over in front of the agent.
“By golly, you’re right!” exclaims the agent. “Go on home to Illinois.”
“Thanks!” he says. “But how did you know I was from Illinois?”
The agent replies, “I saw the picture of George Ryan in the middle.”
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Read all jokes from:Illinois (+18)
Don’t order steak or pasta primavera at Denny’s, it’s a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you upset the Mexicans in the kitchen, they will kick your butt.
Don’t laugh at the names of our little towns (Sandwich, St. Elmo, Gays, Reddick, Dongola, Dupo, Paw Paw, Boody, Farmer City, etc.) or we will just have to kick your butt.
Don’t order a can or bottle of soda here. It is called pop. Accept it or we will kick your butt.
We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you. We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don’t refer to us as Midwesterners. We are from Illinois and we can kick your butt.
We have plenty of business sense. We have to make a living here. Naturally we have small lapses in judgment from time to time, but we are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state just to run for the senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick her butt.
Don’t laugh at our cornfields or our Lincoln Log home. Anything that inspires tourists to buy 50,000 post cards can’t be bad. And in Chicago, don’t point and laugh at the sculptures or we will kick your butt.
We are fully aware of how cold it gets here in the winter, so shut the heck up. Just spend your money and get the heck out of here or we will kick your butt.
Don’t order the fruit plate for dessert. Order a steak and a potato or pizza for dinner and then have cheesecake or we will kick your butt.
Don’t try to fake a Chicago accent. We don’t have an accent. Do not mention Al Capone, he’s dead and you will be too after you get your butt kicked.
Don’t talk to us about how much better things are where you came from because we know better. Many of us have visited big city holes like Detroit, Cleveland, New York, Philadelphia, and Los Angeles and we have the scars to prove it. If you don’t like it here O’Hare is ready when you are. Move your butt on home before it gets kicked.
Don’t complain that Illinois is flat and that there are not enough trees. If you whine about our scenic beauty we will kick your butt all the way back to San Francisco.
Don’t ridicule our mannerisms. We speak only when spoken to. We know where we are going and we want to get there now. We mind our own business because that’s what civilized, educated people do. Behave yourself around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they will kick some manners in your sorry butt just like they did ours.
So you think we are quaint or losers because some of us live on a farm? That’s because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, crime-infested cesspools like New York or Los Angeles. Make fun of our tractor and we will kick your butt.
Pronouncing the ‘s’ at the end of Illinois is not funny. Doing it will get your butt kicked.
Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come here and tell us Chicago is full of gangsters. This will get your butt shot (right after it is kicked).
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Read all jokes from:Illinois (+18)
A Chicago man dies and goes to hell. When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him.
The devil then says, “Sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here.” The man says, “No problem. I’m from Chicago.”
So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He then goes back to the Chicago man to see how he’s doing.
To the devil’s surprise, the man is doing just fine. “No problem… just like Chicago in June,” the man says.
So the devil goes back over to the thermostat and turns the temperature up to 150 and the humidity up to 90. He then goes back over to see how the Chicago man is doing.
The man is sweating a little, but overall looks comfortable. “No problem. Just like Chicago in July,” the man says.
So now the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 200 and the humidity up to 100. When he goes back to see how the man is doing, the man is sweating profusely, and has taken his shirt off. Otherwise, he seems okay.
The man says, “No problem. Just like Chicago in August.”
Now the devil is really perplexed. So he goes back to the thermostat and turns the temperature to MINUS 150 DEGREES. Immediately, all the humidity in the air freezes up, and the whole place becomes a frigid, barren, frozen, deathly cold wasteland.
When he goes back now to see how the Chicago man is doing, he is shocked to discover the man is jumping up and down, and cheering in obvious delight.
The devil immediately asks the man what’s going on.
To which the Chicago man replies…
“THE CUBS WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!
THE CUBS WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!”
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Read all jokes from:Illinois (+18)
On a recent tour of the United States, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to visit the Florida coastline on an impromptu sightseeing trip.
His 4×4 Pope-mobile was driving along the beautiful shoreline when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland.
They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene, the Pope noticed in the water a hapless man wearing a Chicago Cubs baseball jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a huge shark.
At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing White Sox jerseys roared into view from around the point. Immediately, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark’s ribs, immobilizing it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Cubs fan from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.
They bundled the bleeding, semiconscious man into the boat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat when they heard frantic shouting from the shore.
It was the Pope summoning them to the beach. After they reached the shore, the Pope praised them for the rescue and said, “I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there was bitter hatred between the people of south and north sides of Chicago, but now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of true harmony and could serve as a model on which others could follow.”
He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust. As he departed, the harpooner asked the others, “Who was that?”
“That,” one answered, “that was the Holy Father, His Holiness the Pope, the head of the Roman Catholic Church and the spiritual leader of millions of faithful Christians around the world.”
“Well,” the harpooner replied, “He doesn’t seem to know diddley about shark fishing. Is the bait holding up okay or do we need to get another one?”
13 views |
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Read all jokes from:Illinois (+18)
Just in case we need to remember how bad it can be, here are 20 major events that have occurred since the Chicago Cubs last laid claim to a World Series championship:
1. Radio was invented… Cubs fans got to hear their team lose.
2. TV was invented… Cubs fans got to see their team lose.
3. Baseball added 14 teams… Cubs fans get to see and hear their team lose to more clubs.
4. George Burns celebrated his 10th, 20th, 30th, 40th, 50th, 60th, 70th, 80th, 90th and 100th birthdays.
5. Haley’s comet passed Earth… TWICE.
6. Harry Caray was born… and died. Incredible, but true.
7. The NBA, NHL and NFL were formed, and Chicago teams won championships in each league.
8. Man landed on the moon… as have several home runs given up by Cubs pitchers.
9. Sixteen U.S. presidents were elected.
10. Eleven amendments were added to the Constitution.
11. Prohibition was created… repealed.
12. The Titanic was built, set sail, sank, was discovered, and became the subject of major motion pictures, the latter giving Cubs fans hope that something that finishes on the bottom can come out on top.
13. Wrigley Field was built… and becomes the oldest park in the National League.
14. Flag poles were erected on Wrigley Field’s roof to hold all of the team’s future World Series pennants. Those flag poles have since rusted and been taken down.
15. A combination of 40 Summer and Winter Olympics have been held.
16. Thirteen baseball players have won the Triple Crown; several thanked Cubs pitchers.
17. Bell-bottoms came in style and went out… and came back in.
18.The Cleveland Indians, Boston Red Sox, Arizona Diamondbacks and the Florida Marlins have all won the World Series.
19. The Cubs played 14,153 regular-season games, and lost the majority of them.
20. Alaska, Arizona, Hawaii, Oklahoma and New Mexico were added to the Union.
Go Cubs!
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Read all jokes from:Illinois (+18)
A guy was traveling through Mexico on vacation when, lo and behold, he lost his wallet and all identification.
Cutting his trip short, he attempts to make his way home but is stopped by the Customs Agent at the border.
“May I see your identification, please?” asks the agent.
“I’m sorry, but I lost my wallet,” replies the guy.
“Sure, buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no crossing the border,” says the agent.
“But I can prove that I’m an American!” he exclaims. “I have a picture of Bill Clinton tattooed on one butt cheek and a picture of George Bush on the other.”
“This I gotta see,” replies the agent.
With that, Joe drops his pants and bends over in front of the agent.
“By golly, you’re right!” exclaims the agent. “Go on home to Illinois.”
“Thanks!” he says. “But how did you know I was from Illinois?”
The agent replies, “I saw the picture of George Ryan in the middle.”
11 views |
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Read all jokes from:Illinois (+18)
Don’t order steak or pasta primavera at Denny’s, it’s a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you upset the Mexicans in the kitchen, they will kick your butt.
Don’t laugh at the names of our little towns (Sandwich, St. Elmo, Gays, Reddick, Dongola, Dupo, Paw Paw, Boody, Farmer City, etc.) or we will just have to kick your butt.
Don’t order a can or bottle of soda here. It is called pop. Accept it or we will kick your butt.
We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you. We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don’t refer to us as Midwesterners. We are from Illinois and we can kick your butt.
We have plenty of business sense. We have to make a living here. Naturally we have small lapses in judgment from time to time, but we are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state just to run for the senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick her butt.
Don’t laugh at our cornfields or our Lincoln Log home. Anything that inspires tourists to buy 50,000 post cards can’t be bad. And in Chicago, don’t point and laugh at the sculptures or we will kick your butt.
We are fully aware of how cold it gets here in the winter, so shut the heck up. Just spend your money and get the heck out of here or we will kick your butt.
Don’t order the fruit plate for dessert. Order a steak and a potato or pizza for dinner and then have cheesecake or we will kick your butt.
Don’t try to fake a Chicago accent. We don’t have an accent. Do not mention Al Capone, he’s dead and you will be too after you get your butt kicked.
Don’t talk to us about how much better things are where you came from because we know better. Many of us have visited big city holes like Detroit, Cleveland, New York, Philadelphia, and Los Angeles and we have the scars to prove it. If you don’t like it here O’Hare is ready when you are. Move your butt on home before it gets kicked.
Don’t complain that Illinois is flat and that there are not enough trees. If you whine about our scenic beauty we will kick your butt all the way back to San Francisco.
Don’t ridicule our mannerisms. We speak only when spoken to. We know where we are going and we want to get there now. We mind our own business because that’s what civilized, educated people do. Behave yourself around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they will kick some manners in your sorry butt just like they did ours.
So you think we are quaint or losers because some of us live on a farm? That’s because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, crime-infested cesspools like New York or Los Angeles. Make fun of our tractor and we will kick your butt.
Pronouncing the ‘s’ at the end of Illinois is not funny. Doing it will get your butt kicked.
Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come here and tell us Chicago is full of gangsters. This will get your butt shot (right after it is kicked).
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