Read all jokes from: Student (+358)
The farmer and his wife had worked hard, scrimped and saved to send their son to college. As soon as he had enroled, he started to grow a beard. Next he grew a large moustache and sideburns. Being pleased with his new hirsute adornment, he had his picture taken and sent it off to his parents.
On the back of the photo he scrawled “How do you like it? Don’t I look like a count?”
Shortly after, the son received this terse note: “You idiot, it cost us a fortune to send you to college, and you can’t even spell!”
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Read all jokes from: Student (+358)
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. “I’m wasting my time,” she said to her mother.
“I can’t read, I can’t write – and they won’t let me talk!”
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Read all jokes from: Student (+358)
A – Alcohol: The key to surviving college.
B – Beer: The most disgusting alcohol of all, but great for chugging.
C – Class: What you’re supposed to get up and go to after a Wednesday night party.
D – Dancing: A favorite pastime of almost every drunk, usually looks pathetic.
E – Emergency: The keg is empty or there is no one over 21 in your drinking party.
F – Fucked Up: Signified by leaning over a toilet puking your guts out.
G – Games: Anything that involves cards, dice, quarters, and chugging beers.
H – Hangover: Reminds you of how great last night was and how much you drank.
I – Idiot: The guy that spilled his beer on you and everyone else at the party.
J – Jail: Where you’ll end up after trying to either use a fake ID or stagger home.
K – Kissing: What you’ll do to anything that moves after 15 beers.
L – Lord: Person you beg to get you out of every situation involving alcohol.
M – Money: That which you no longer have due to too much partying.
N – Not Again!: What you scream when you wake up beside someone you don’t know.
O – Officer: Person usually responsible for ending any party, tending to show up most often at parties where no one is 21.
P – Pee: What you have to do every five minutes while you’re drinking beer.
Q – Quilt: What you puked on last night in bed and have to clean in the morning (YUCK!).
R – Reform: What you promise God you will do while you’re puking in the toilet.
S – Sex: What you did with that person you met last night while you were drunk.
T – Twenty: The number of beers it takes ME to get drunk.
U – Underage: Most of the drinking population at any given college.
V – Vodka: The mother of all alcohols and the best way to get drunk in an hour.
W – Worm: The part of tequila that reminds you of biology class tomorrow.
X – X-Ray: How they can see into your stomach before they pump it.
Y – Yourself: The one who drinks WAY TOO MUCH every weekend.
Z – Zoned: Your condition for the next 12 hours following drinking.
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Read all jokes from: Student (+358)
A famed English explorer was invited to Dartmouth to tell of his adventures in the African jungle.
“Can you imagine,” he demanded, “people so primitive that they love to eat the embryo of certain birds, and slices from the belly of certain animals? And grind up grass seed, make it into a paste, burn it over a fire, then smear it with a greasy mess they extract from the mammary fluid of certain other animals?”
When the students looked startled by such barbarism, the explorer added softly, “What I’ve been describing, of course, is a breakfast of bacon and eggs and buttered toast.”
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Read all jokes from: Student (+358)
A visitor to a certain college paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall that had been built on campus.
“It’s a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway,” he said.
“Actually,” said his guide, “it’s named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation.”
The visitor was astonished. “Was Joshua Hemingway a writer, also?”
“Yes, indeed,” said his guide. “He wrote a check.”
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Read all jokes from: Student (+358)
On the first day of third grade, Miss Torch took roll. “My name is Johnny Fuckhauer,” said one boy.
“I won’t tolerate such language in my class,” Miss Torch fumed. “Tell me your real name.”
“That is my real name,” Johnny insisted. “You can ask my brother over in the fourth grade.”
The determined teacher marched across the hall. “Do you have a Fuckhauer in here?” Miss Torch asked the class.
“Hell no,” a bold lad retorted. “We don’t even get a cookie break!”
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Read all jokes from: Student (+358)
It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: “Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may being plowing.” Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: “Will the nine hundred students who went to move fourteen cars return to class.”
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Read all jokes from: Student (+358)
This reminds me of the student who began his Middle Ages story with:
“He was a dark and stormy knight….”
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A student taking a philosophy class had a single question on his final: “What is courage?”
The student wrote: “This”, signed it, and turned it in.
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Read all jokes from: Student (+358)
Freshman: Is never in bed past noon.
Senior: Is never out of bed before noon.
Freshman: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he can cut.
Senior: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he needs to attend.
Freshman: Brings a can of soda into a lecture hall.
Senior: Brings a jumbo hoagie and six-pack of Mountain Dew into a recitation class.
Freshman: Calls the professor “Teacher.”
Senior: Calls the professor “Bob.”
Freshman: Would walk ten miles to get to class.
Senior: Drives to class if it’s more than three blocks away.
Freshman: Memorizes the course material to get a good grade.
Senior: Memorizes the professor’s habits to get a good grade.
Freshman: Knows a book-full of useless trivia about the university.
Senior: Knows where the next class is. Usually.
Freshman: Shows up at a morning exam clean, perky, and fed.
Senior: Shows up at a morning exam in sweats with a cap on and a box of pop tarts in hand.
Freshman: Has to ask where the computer labs are.
Senior: Has own personal workstation.
Freshman: Lines up for an hour to buy his textbooks in the first week.
Senior: Starts to think about buying textbooks in October… maybe.
Freshman: Looks forward to first classes of the year.
Senior: Looks forward to first beer garden of the year.
Freshman: Is proud of his A+ on Calculus I midterm
Senior: Is proud of not quite failing his Complex Analysis midterm
Freshman: Calls his girlfriend back home every other night
Senior: Calls Domino’s every other night
Freshman: Is appalled at the class size and callousness of professors
Senior: Is appalled that the campus ‘Subway’ burned down over the summer
Freshman: Conscientiously completes all homework, including optional questions
Senior: Homework? I knew I forgot to do something last night
Freshman: Goes on grocery-shopping trip with Mom before moving onto campus
Senior: Has a beer with Mom before moving into group house
Freshman: Is excited about the world of possibilities that awaits him, the unlimited vista of educational opportunities, the chance to expand one’s horizons and really make a contribution to society
Senior: Is excited about new dryers in laundry room
Freshman: Takes meticulous four-color notes in class
Senior: Occasionally stays awake for all of class
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