Read all jokes from: Student (+358)
16. Even though you’re all seniors, she insists on having “Show ‘n’ Tell,” just so she can show everyone that tattoo on her ass again.
15. If you’re late you have to sit up front for a special lap dance.
14. Finishes introducing himself by saying, “…and if I’d have known she was a statue, I wouldn’t have gone anywhere near her!”
13. Every morning the “current events discussion” has the same topic: those panty-waist losers he served with in ‘Nam.
12. Attempting to be cool, she says her college roommate was Lilith Fair.
11. For the 182nd consecutive day: The Zapruder Film
10. New haircut — check. Fresh clean blackboard — check. Puddle under desk — uh, oh.
9. She insists that a 36-year-old teacher actually had a baby with a 13-year-old student.
8. Refusing to admit summers over, sits on lawn chair at the front of the room and screams for the cabana boy to bring another Mai Tai.
7. Eats paste ‘n’ crayon sandwiches that melt all over his shirt.
6. Constantly hounding patent office about his revolutionary in-pants lesson plan filing system.
5. Always cracks himself up by announcing, “Now we’re gonna go into Chapter 13… just like your parents!”
4. She keeps a tip jar on her desk.
3. Continually re-seats the class by outfit color, so if you squint your eyes it looks like Manet’s “Dejeuner sur L’Herbe.”
2. Says that if he had his way, the biology class would be dissecting “mall rats.”
1. Constantly asking class if anyone knows how to get blood stains off a clown suit.
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Read all jokes from: College (+414)
* In high school, you do homework. In college, you study.
* No food is allowed in the hall in high school. In college, food must be provided at an event before students will come.
* In high school, you wear your backpack on one shoulder; in college, on both.
* In college, the professors can tell you the answer without looking at the teacher’s guide.
* In college, there are no bells or tardy slips.
* In high school, you have to live with your parents. In college, you get to live with your friends.
* In college, you don’t have to wait in a certain lunch line to be cool.
* Only nerds e-mailed in high school. Cool kids hadn’t heard of it.
* In high school, you’re told what classes to take. In college, you get to choose; that is, as long as the classes don’t conflict and you have the prerequisites and the classes aren’t closed and you’ve paid your tuition.
* In high school, if you screw up you can usually sweet-talk your way out of it. In college, you’re lucky to ever talk with the professor.
* In high school, fire drills are planned by the administration; in college, by the drunk frat boys on their way home when the bars close.
* In college, any test consists of a larger percentage of your grade than your high school final exams ever did.
* In high school, when the teacher said, “Good morning,” you mumbled back. In college, when the professor says, “Good morning,” you write it down.
* In high school, freshman guys hit on senior girls. In college, senior guys hit on freshman girls.
* In college, weekends start on Thursday.
* In college, it’s much more difficult to figure out the course schedule of the man/woman you have a crush on, in order to figure out where he/she will be walking around campus and at what time to find them there.
* Once you’ve obtained the information described in #10, it’s much more time-consuming to run between classes to that place where you know he/she will be in order to “just happen to bump into him/her.”
* In college, there’s no one to tell you not to eat pizza three meals a day.
* In college, your dad doesn’t pay for dates.
* In high school, it never took 3 or 4 weeks to get money from Mom and Dad.
* College men are cuter than high school boys.
* College women are legal.
* In college, when you miss a class (or two or three), you don’t need a note from your parents saying you were skip….uh, sick that day.
* In high school, you can’t go out to lunch because it’s not allowed. In college, you can’t go out to lunch because you can’t afford it.
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Read all jokes from: School (+377)
A teacher was teaching the colors and their flavors using lollipops. She distributed purple lollipops to her class and asked, “What flavor is purple?”
The class responded, “Grape.”
She continued this with yellow, green, orange and red. The last lollipops distributed were a light yellow-brown (honey flavored). The children were unable to identify the flavor. Teacher suggested, as a clue to its name, “It’s what your mother calls your father when he leaves for work in the morning.”
Little Mary shouted, “Spit it out quick! It’s a butthead!”
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Read all jokes from: Student (+358)
A new aid to rapid–almost magical–learning has made its appearance. Indications are that if it catches on all the electronic gadgets will be so much junk.
The new device is known as Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge. The makers generally call it by its initials, BOOK.
Many advantages are claimed over the old-style learning and teaching aids on which most people are brought up nowadays. It has no wires, no electric circuit to break down. No connection is needed to an electricity power point. It is made entirely without mechanical parts to go wrong or need replacement.
Anyone can use BOOK, even children, and it fits comfortably into the hands. It can be conveniently used sitting in an armchair by the fire.
How does this revoluntionary, unbelievably easy invention work? Basically BOOK consists only of a large number of paper sheets. These may run to hundreds where BOOK covers a lengthy programme of information. Each sheet bears a number in sequence, so that the sheets cannot be used in the wrong order.
To make it even easier for the user to keep the sheets in the proper order they are held firmly in place by a special locking device called a “binding”.
Each sheet of paper presents the user with an information sequence in the form of symbols, which he absorbs optically for automatic registration on the brain. When one sheet has been assimilated a flick of the finger turns it over and further information is found on the other side.
By using both sides of each sheet in this way a great economy is effected, thus reducing both the size and cost of BOOK. No buttons need to be pressed to move from one sheet to another, to open or close BOOK, or to start it working.
BOOK may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it. Instantly it is ready for use. Nothing has to be connected up or switched on. The user may turn at will to any sheet, going backwards or forwards as he pleases. A sheet is provided near the beginnning as a location finder for any required information sequence.
A small accessory, available at trifling extra cost, is the BOOKmark. This enables the user to pick up his programme where he left off on the previous learning session. BOOKmark is versatile and may be used in any BOOK.
The initial cost varies with the size and subject matter. Already a vast range of BOOKs is available, covering every conceivable subject and adjusted to different levels of aptitude. One BOOK, small enough to be held in the hands, may contain an entire learning schedule.
Once purchased, BOOK requires no further upkeep cost; no batteries or wires are needed, since the motive power, thanks to an ingenious device patented by the makers, is supplied by the brain of the user.
BOOKs may be stored on handy shelves and for ease of reference the programme schedule is normally indicated on the back of the binding.
Altogether the Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge seems to have great advantages with no drawbacks. We predict a big future for it.
A Boss’ response:
BOOK* does not, in spite of the claims, seem “to have great advantages with no drawbacks”. Soon, it probably won’t even be legal. Consider:
“It can be conveniently used sitting in an armchair by the fire.” Being paper, it might burn in the fire. Probably fire laws in most locations wouldn’t allow its use there. Worse, such a device, which encourages close proximity of the user to fire, will be outlawed by OSHA’s request.
“Each sheet bears a number in sequence, so that the sheets cannot be used in the wrong order.” How quaint; to think that the programmer (author) would be allowed to turn over such an important task to the user! “cannot” is clearly misuse; any user could incorrectly turn to the wrong page. A proper user interface might correct that, of course, such as requiring that each sheet be torn off to expose the next. This is a clear conflict with “The user may turn at will to any sheet, going backwards or forwards as he pleases.” and “BOOKs may be stored on handy shelves and for ease of reference”. The user interface obviously needs more work before such a system can be practical.
“the motive power — is supplied by the brain of the user”. Clearly, the inventors have not examined recent trends. No serious person would suggest even expecting a “user” to have a brain present, much less to use it so continuously.
I’d suggest the inventors return to their consoles and do a thorough associative search of various data banks, like the rest of us, and forget this nonsense.
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Read all jokes from: Student (+358)
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
–Groucho Marx
1890-1977
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Read all jokes from: School (+377)
Teacher: I said to draw a cow eating some grass but you’ve only drawn the cow?
Pupil: Yes, the cow ate all the grass!
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Read all jokes from: Drunk (+137), Little Johnny (+648), School (+377)
One day at the end of class little Billy’s teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell a story.
Suzy said, “Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road.”
The teacher asks for the moral of the story.
Suzy replies, “Don’t keep all your eggs in one basket.”
Next is little Lucy. “Well, my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched.”
The teacher asks for the moral of the story.
Lucy replies “Don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched.”
Last is little Billy. “My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands”.
The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.
Billy replies, “Don’t fuck with uncle Ted when he’s been drinking.”
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Read all jokes from: College (+414)
Auburn University has announced that they will be offering season tickets to attend the trials of their football players since most of them have cases pending before the Lee County Circuit Court.
This package may be purchased in conjunction with regular season tickets to football games. Limited seating is available in the Lee County Courthouse so place your orders in advance.
Please, no wagering on the outcome of the trials. Alcoholic beverages are not allowed in Jordan-Hare Stadium or Lee County Courthouse. Seat cushions are welcome, however, please refrain from bringing shakers (pom-poms) into the courtroom. People shouting “WAAAAAAARRRRR EEAAAGLE” during the trials will be removed by the bailiff. Tailgating is encouraged.
The Tiger Walk will take place from the Lee County Jail to the courtroom, led by Head Coach Tommy Tubberville. DON’T WORRY! THE PLAYERS WILL BE IN ORANGE!
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Read all jokes from: Student (+358)
1. Stay clear of all windows.
2. Seat yourself at a hard chair at least four (4) feet from desk or table.
3. Loosen necktie, belt, or other restricting clothing.
4. Remove eye glasses and other sharp instruments (pens and pencils) that might be in your pockets.
5. Bend over with your head between your legs.
6. Firmly kiss your ass “Good bye.
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Read all jokes from: College (+414), Football (+145)
WOMEN’S ATTIRE
Up North: Chapstick in their back pocket and a $20 bill in their front pocket.
Down South: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, powder, mascara (waterproof), concealer, and a bottle Perrier. Wallet not necessary-that’s what dates are for.
STADIUM SIZE
Up north: College football stadiums hold 20,000.
Down south: High school football stadiums hold 20,000
NAMES
Up North: Doug Flutie
Down South: Dion Sanders
WEATHER
Up North: Snow and Ice.
Down South: Sunny, highs mid-60s, lows in the thirties.
FATHERS
Up North: Expect their daughter to understand Sylvia Plath.
Down South: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.
ATTIRE
Up North: Male and female alike: woolly sweater or sweatshirt, jeans.
Down South: Male – pressed khakis, oxford shirt, cap with frat logo, Panthers. Female – ankle-length skirt, coordinated cardigan, flat riding boots, oxford.
ALUMNI
Up North: Take prospects on sailing trips before they join the law firm.
Down South: Take prospects on fishing trips so they don’t leave for the NFL their senior year.
CAMPUS DECOR
Up North: Statues of Founding Fathers.
Down South: Statues of Heisman Trophy winners.
HOMECOMING QUEEN
Up North: Also a physics major.
Down South: Also Miss USA.
HEROES
Up North: Mario Cuomo
Down South: “Bear” Bryant, Bobby Bowden, Steve Spurrier
GETTING TICKETS
Up North: 5 days before the game you can walk into the ticket office on campus and still purchase tickets.
Down South: 5 months before the game you can walk into the ticket office on campus and still be placed on the waiting list for tickets.
FRIDAY CLASSES AFTER A THURSDAY NIGHT GAME
Up North: Students and Teachers are not sure if they are going because they have class on Friday.
Down South: Teachers cancel class on Friday because they don’t want to see the few hung over students that might actually make it to class on Friday.
PARKING
Up North: An hour or two before game time the university opens the campus for game parking.
Down South: RV’s sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend’s festivities. The real faithful begin arriving on Tuesday.
GAME DAY
Up North: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.
Down South: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting Game Day “Live” to get on camera and wave to the idiots from up North who wonder why Game Day is never broadcast from their campus.
TAILGATING
Up North: Wieners on the grill, beer with a lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down.
Down South: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance by Hootie & the Blowfish, who come over during breaks and ask for a couple bottles of beer.
GETTING TO THE STADIUM
Up North: You have to ask, “Where’s the stadium?” When you find it you walk right in with no line.
Down South: When you’re near it, you’ll hear it. On game day, it becomes the state’s third largest city.
CONCESSIONS
Up North: Drinks served in a paper cup filled to the top with soda.
Down South: Drinks served in a plastic cup with the home team’s mascot-filled less than halfway to ensure enough room for bourbon.
WHEN THE NATIONAL ANTHEM IS PLAYED
Up North: Stands are less than half full.
Down South: 80,000+ fans sing along in perfect 3-part harmony.
THE SMELL IN THE AIR AFTER THE FIRST SCORE
Up North: Nothing changes.
Down South: Fireworks with a twist of beer.
COMMENTARY (MALE)
Up North: “Nice play.”
Down South: “Dammit you slow sumbitch! Tackle him and break his legs!!!”
COMMENTARY (FEMALE)
Up North: “My, this is a violent sport.”
Down South: “Dammit you slow sumbitch! Tackle him and break his legs!!!”
AFTER THE GAME
Up North: The stadium is empty before the game ends.
Down South: Another rack of ribs on the smoker. While somebody goes to the nearest package store for more beer, planning begins for next week’s party.
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