Read all jokes from: College (+414)
1. I’m not going to grant any extensions.
2. Call me any time. I’m always available.
3. It doesn’t matter what I think; write what you believe.
4. Think of the midterm as a diagnostic tool.
5. My other section is much better prepared than you guys.
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Read all jokes from: Student (+358)
“If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up” said the sarcastic lecturer.
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. “Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?” enquired the lecturer with a sneer.
“Well, actually I don’t,” said the student, “but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself.”
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Read all jokes from: College (+414)
Instructions: Read each question carefully. Answer all questions. Time Limit: 4 hours.
HISTORY
Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political, economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America, and Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific.
MEDICINE
You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has been inspected. You have 15 minutes.
PUBLIC SPEAKING
Twenty-five hundred riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.
BIOLOGY
Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system. Prove your thesis.
MUSIC
Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.
PSYCHOLOGY
Based on your degree of knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisias, Rameses II, Gregory of Nicea, Hammurabi. Support your evaluations with quotations from each man’s work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.
SOCIOLOGY
Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.
MANAGEMENT SCIENCE
Define management. Define science. How do they relate? Why? Create a generalized algorithm to optimize all managerial decisions. Assuming an 1130 CPU supporting 50 terminals, each terminal to activate your algorithm; design the communications interface and all necessary control programs.
ENGINEERING
The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed in a box on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In ten minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel is appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision.
ECONOMICS
Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, the Donatist controversy, the wave theory of light. Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criticize this method from all possible points of view. Point out the deficiencies in your point of view, as demonstrated in your answer to the last question.
POLITICAL SCIENCE
There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects, if any.
EPISTEMOLOGY
Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your position.
PHYSICS
Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science.
PHILOSOPHY
Sketch the development of human thought; estimate its significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.
GENERAL KNOWLEDGE
Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.
*** EXTRA CREDIT ***
Define the universe; give three examples.
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Read all jokes from: College (+414)
* Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.
* Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says no, rip the pages out of your textbook.
* Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters “CHECK YOUR FLY”. (at least for the Male profs)
* Address the professor as “your excellency”.
* When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream “AAAGH! MY EYES!”
* Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard erasers.
* Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he’s been drinking.
* Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your name, even it’s Smith. Claim that the i is silent.
* Sit in the front row reading the professor’s graduate thesis and snickering.
* Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, “Vet ozzle haffen dee henvay?” Become agitated when the professor can’t understand you.
* Wink at the professor every few minutes. (Hey you might even get a date if he/she is cute)
* Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write “Signup Sheet #5″ at the top, and start passing it around the room.
* Start a “wave” in a large lecture hall.
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Read all jokes from: Student (+358)
Freshman: Is never in bed past noon.
Senior: Is never out of bed before noon.
Freshman: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he can cut.
Senior: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he needs to attend.
Freshman: Brings a can of soda into a lecture hall.
Senior: Brings a jumbo hoagie and six-pack of Mountain Dew into a recitation class.
Freshman: Calls the professor “Teacher.”
Senior: Calls the professor “Bob.”
Freshman: Would walk ten miles to get to class.
Senior: Drives to class if it’s more than three blocks away.
Freshman: Memorizes the course material to get a good grade.
Senior: Memorizes the professor’s habits to get a good grade.
Freshman: Knows a book-full of useless trivia about the university.
Senior: Knows where the next class is. Usually.
Freshman: Shows up at a morning exam clean, perky, and fed.
Senior: Shows up at a morning exam in sweats with a cap on and a box of pop tarts in hand.
Freshman: Has to ask where the computer labs are.
Senior: Has own personal workstation.
Freshman: Lines up for an hour to buy his textbooks in the first week.
Senior: Starts to think about buying textbooks in October… maybe.
Freshman: Looks forward to first classes of the year.
Senior: Looks forward to first beer garden of the year.
Freshman: Is proud of his A+ on Calculus I midterm
Senior: Is proud of not quite failing his Complex Analysis midterm
Freshman: Calls his girlfriend back home every other night
Senior: Calls Domino’s every other night
Freshman: Is appalled at the class size and callousness of professors
Senior: Is appalled that the campus ‘Subway’ burned down over the summer
Freshman: Conscientiously completes all homework, including optional questions
Senior: Homework? I knew I forgot to do something last night
Freshman: Goes on grocery-shopping trip with Mom before moving onto campus
Senior: Has a beer with Mom before moving into group house
Freshman: Is excited about the world of possibilities that awaits him, the unlimited vista of educational opportunities, the chance to expand one’s horizons and really make a contribution to society
Senior: Is excited about new dryers in laundry room
Freshman: Takes meticulous four-color notes in class
Senior: Occasionally stays awake for all of class
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Read all jokes from: Little Johnny (+647), School (+375)
A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.
She quickly turned and asked, “What’s so funny Pat?”
“Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters.”
“Get out of my classroom,” she yells, “I don’t want to see you for three days.”
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student.
She quickly turns and asks, “What’s so funny Billy?”
“Well miss, I just saw both of your garters.”
Again she yells, “Get out of my classroom!” This time the punishment is more severe,
“I don’t want to see you for three weeks.”
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.
“Where do you think you are going?” she asks.
“Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over!”
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Read all jokes from: Student (+358)
A college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student’s immediate family.
A wisecracking student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up “But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?” As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter.
When the students finally settled down, the professor gave the student a long, appraising look. “Well”, he responded, “I guess you’ll just have to write with your other hand”
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Read all jokes from: Student (+358)
In each of these examples, the actual name of the college is written first. Then, after each, spoofs are written about each college name.
Auburn University.
Brown University.
Chrome Yellow University.
Neon Pink University.
Northern Illinois University.
Southern Illinois University.
Eastern Illinois University.
Western Illinois University.
Northeastern Illinois University.
Northwestern Illinois University.
Southeastern Illinois University.
Southwestern Illinois University.
North-by-Northwestern Illinois University.
Yale University.
Cole University.
Weiser University.
Kwikset University.
Harvey Mudd College.
Roger Mudd College.
Harcourt Fenton Mudd College.
My Name Is Mudd College.
King’s College.
Queen’s College.
Jack’s College (formerly Knave’s College).
Ten’s College.
Ace’s College.
Texas A&I University.
Texas A&M University.
North Carolina A&T University.
Tennessee C&W University.
Michigan R&B University.
New Jersey M&M University.
San Francisco S&M University.
Governors State University.
Lieutenant-Governors State University.
Secretaries of State State University.
State Comptrollers State University.
University of Tennessee Space Institute.
University of Southwestern Arkansas Cosmic Realms Institute.
Elroy Jetson Space Magic Institute.
Lawrence Livermore National Labs.
Lawrence Berkeley National Labs.
Lawrence Olivier National Labs.
Lawrence of Arabia National Labs.
Lawrence Welk National Labs.
Argonne National Labs.
Kryptonne National Labs.
Xenonne National Labs.
Radonne National Labs.
Concordia University.
Discordia University.
Misericordia University.
University of Wisconsin – Madison.
University of Wisconsin – Milwaukee.
University of Wisconsin – River Falls.
University of Wisconsin – Stout.
University of Wisconsin – Porter.
University of Wisconsin – Malt Liquor.
University of Wisconsin – Night Train.
University of Wisconsin – Everclear.
Purdue University.
Louis Rich University.
Hormel University.
Oscar Mayer University.
Drexel University.
Ethan Allen University.
Seidel University.
La-Z-Boy University.
George Washington University.
James Madison University.
Chester A. Arthur University.
Millard Fillmore University.
Spiro T. Agnew University.
J. Danforth Quayle University.
McMaster University.
McSlave University.
McTop University.
McBottom University.
Wright State University.
Wrong State University.
Altered State University.
UnState University.
Out of State University.
McGill University.
McScale University.
McFin University.
McTail University.
McOperculum University.
McNeese State University.
McNeffew State University.
McAuntt State University.
McUnccle State University.
Seton Hall University.
Seton Vestibule University.
Seton Bathroom University.
Seton Bedroom University.
Sam Houston State University.
Sam Walton State University.
Sam I Am State University.
Son of Sam State University.
South Dakota School of Mines and Technology.
Colorado School of Mines.
Wyoming School of Ditches.
Montana School of Holes in the Ground.
BU.
BYU.
NYU.
BYOB.
Clemson University.
Jebson University.
Abnerson University.
DaisyMaeson University.
Clarkson University.
Loisson University.
Jimmyson University.
Stephen F. Austin State University.
Steve Austin State University.
Bionic Woman State University.
Tufts University.
Locks University.
Bald Spot University.
Tulane University.
Forlane University.
Atelane University.
Baruch College.
The Weizmann Institute.
Hofstra University.
Brandeis University.
Carasso University.
Emory University.
Nail Clippor University.
Polish Removor University.
Fordham University.
Chryslerporkshoulder University.
Generalmotorspigsfeet University.
Universite’ de Montre’al.
Universite’ Laval.
Universite’ Trudeau.
Universite’ Mulroney.
University of Central Florida.
University of EPCOT Center.
University of Disney World.
Bowie State University.
Butcher State University.
Ginsu State University.
Swiss Army State University.
Angelo State University.
Giuseppe State University.
Mario State University.
Cosa Nostra State University.
Mitsubishi Information Technology Labs.
NEC Research Institute.
Florida Atlantic University.
Florida Pacific University.
Florida Indian University.
Florida Arctic University.
Carnegie Mellon University.
Carnegie Cucummber University.
Carnegie Zucchinni University.
College of William and Mary.
College of Bonnie and Clyde.
College of George and Gracie.
College of Frankie and Johnny.
College of Jimmy and Rosalyn.
College of Ronnie and Nancy.
College of Andy and Fergie.
Cornell University.
Wheatell University.
Barleyell University.
Buckwheatell University.
Dartmouth University.
Dartnostril University.
Dartrectum University.
Duke University.
Viscount University.
Baronet University.
Knight University.
Commoner University.
Ferris State University.
Roller Coaster State University.
Florida International University.
Florida National University.
Florida State University.
Florida County University.
Florida Local University.
Florida Neighborhood University.
Florida Backyard University.
Florida Garage University.
Grand Valley State University.
Small Valley State University.
Piffling Little Valley State University.
Large Flood Plain State University.
Hunter College.
Fisherman College.
Camper College.
Backpacker College.
Lehigh University.
Lelow University.
Leinbetween University.
Colgate University.
Crest University.
Gleem University.
Close-Up University.
Pearl Drops Tooth Polish University.
Nova University.
Duster University.
Pinto University.
Super Beetle University.
Old Dominion University.
New Dominion University.
Dominions, Principalities, and Powers University.
Mark-Jason Dominionus University.
IBM T. J. Watson Research Center.
IBM T. J. Hooker Research Center.
IBM J. T. Kirk Research Center.
Southern Methodist University.
Southern Baptist University.
Primitive Baptist University.
Holy Roller University.
Rose-Hulman Institute of Technology.
Daisy-Hulman Institute of Technology.
Delphinium-Hulman Institute of Technology.
Chrysanthemum-Hulman Institute of Technology.
Our Lady of the Angels College.
Our Lady of the Elms College.
Our Lady of the Night College.
Prentiss Normal and Industrial Institute.
Prentiss Abnormal and Industrial Institute.
Prentiss Abnormal and Interior Decoration Institute.
Grinnell College.
Smilell College.
Smirkell College.
Dalhousie University.
Sandboxie University.
Playgroundequipmentie University.
Simon Fraser University.
Simon Magus University.
Simon Templar University.
Simon Legree University.
Illinois Benedictine College.
Illinois Dominican College.
Illinois Trappist College.
Illinois Carthusian College.
Illinois Benedictine College.
Illinois Benedictine and Brandy College.
Illinois Drambuie College.
Illinois Grand Marnier College.
Kent State University.
Winston State University.
Marlboro State University.
Camel Wides State University.
College of Wooster.
College of Jeeves.
College of Pinker.
College of Fink-Nottle.
Villanova University.
Bossa Nova University.
Chevy Nova University.
Slippery Rock State College.
Crocodile Rock State College.
Jailhouse Rock State College.
Rock Around the Clock State College.
Go Crawl Under a Rock State College.
Smith College.
Jones College.
John Doe College.
John Q. Public College.
Sarah Lawrence College.
Sarah Bernhardt College.
Sarah Jane Smith College.
Sara Lee College.
Holy Apostles College.
Holy Names College.
Holy Family College.
Holy Toledo College.
Sweet Briar College.
Sweet and Sour Briar College.
Twice Cooked Briar College.
Szechwan Briar With Hot Bean Curd and Crispy Noodles College.
Grambling State University.
Smroking State University.
Drrinking State University.
Whroring State University.
Creighton University.
Cardboard Bachson University.
Shipping Contaigneron University.
Mailing Tyoobon University.
Worcester Polytechnic Institute.
Teriyaki Polytechnic Institute.
Soy Polytechnic Institute.
A-1 Steak Polytechnic Institute.
Heinz 57 Steak Polytechnic Institute.
Case Western Reserve University.
Case Eastern Loquacity University.
Case Southern Charm University.
Case Midwestern Folksiness University.
Tuskegee Institute.
Hornegee Institute.
Antleregee Institute.
Oberlin College.
Oberkellner College.
Oberkommando College.
Oberbuergermeister College.
Millikin University.
Rutherferd University.
Schroedingor University.
Einsteen University.
Bowling Green State University.
Bowling Alley State University.
Bowling Pin State University.
Bowling Jacket State University.
Bowling Shoes State University.
Bowling Trophy State University.
Bob Jones University.
Bob Hope University.
Bob Barker University.
Bob Newhart University.
Bob Evans Restaurant University.
J. R. “Bob” Dobbs University.
Open Bible College.
Closed Bible College.
Open Just a Crack Bible College.
Liberty Baptist College.
Equality Baptist College.
Fraternity Baptist College.
French Revolutionary Baptist College.
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Read all jokes from: College (+414)
(To the tune of Battle Hymn Of The Republic)
Mine eyes have seen the horror
Of the ending of the term
It has poisoned all my spirits
Like an apple with a worm
It’s infected all my freedom
Like an ugly cancer germ
The truth shall soon be known.
Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation,
Failure and humiliation,
Failure, failure, academia,
The truth shall soon be known.
I have listened to the teachers
But the homework leaves me cold
I have never done assignments
Although many times been told
I have even missed my classes
When I was feeling bold
The truth shall soon be known
Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation,
Failure and humiliation,
Failure, failure, academia,
The truth shall soon be known.
They are adding all my points up
And I haven’t earned but few
In fact, I haven’t even gotten
More than one or two
Oh, if I could only find an answer
Anything to do
The truth shall soon be known.
Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation,
Failure and humiliation,
Failure, failure, academia,
The truth shall soon be known.
On the lines of every gradebook
There is solemn news for me
The worst is yet to come when
Financial Aid ignores my plea
So I guess the only answer is
To drop my books and flee
The truth shall soon be known.
Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation,
Failure and humiliation,
Failure, failure, academia,
The truth shall soon be known.
Well, the end has finally come
And I have failed to pass a class
Though the fun and laughter, goofing off
Was really quite a gas
But I won’t be in the numbers
Of the capped and gowned mass
The truth was finally shown.
Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation,
Failure, and humiliation,
Failure, failure, academia,
The truth was finally known!!
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Read all jokes from: College (+414)
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on
Dad’s Reply
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad
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