Read all jokes from: College (+414)
* You’re waking up at 6 am instead of going to bed.
* Beers at lunch get you reprimanded.
* College sweatshirts are ‘casual’ instead of dress up.
* Your parents charge rent.
* The four food groups are no longer beer, pizza, chips and cereal.
* It’s ‘getting late’ when it’s 9:30 p.m.
* Three words: Student Loan Payments.
* You make thousands of dollars a year – and still can’t afford that dream Porsche.
* You start eyeing the Light Beer Section appreciatively.
* THEN, discussing with your friends: GPA’s, spring break plans, and tonsil hockey; NOW: mutual funds, interest rates, and wedding plans.
* Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.
* Naps are no longer available between noon and 6 p.m.
* Sneakers are now ‘weekend shoes’.
* Your salary is less than your tuition.
* Your potted plants stay alive.
* Having sex in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.
* You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
* You have to pay your own credit card bill.
* Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.
* You haven’t seen a soap opera in over a year.
* You have to file for your own taxes.
* You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
* You’re not carded anymore.
* You carry an umbrella.
* You learn that “Bachelor” is nicer term for a jackass.
* “Extended childhood” only really pertains to your salary,which is a little less than your allowance used to be.
* “Twenty-something” means over-qualified, under-paid and not married.
* Your friends marry instead of hook-up; and divorce instead of break-up.
* You start watching the weather channel.
* Jeans and baseball caps aren’t staples in your wardrobe.
* You can no longer do shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.
* You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
* You stop confusing 401K plan with 10K run.
* You go to parties that the police don’t raid.
* Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you.
* You don’t know what time Wendy’s closes anymore.
* Your car insurance goes down.
* You refer to college students as kids.
* You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon, and rum.
* Your parents start making casual remarks about grandchildren.
* You feed your dog Science Diet instead of Taco Bell.
* Dinner and a movie – The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
* Pregnancy now brings thought of tax deductions instead of coronaries.
* The only drugs you take are Tums and Tylenol.
* The weak single you hit in the intramural softball game is now remembered as a Varsity dinger for the League Championship.
* You get your news from sources other than USA Today, ESPN Sportscenter, and MTV News.
* You wear more ties in a week than you even owned while in college.
* You find yourself reminiscing fondly of 2-hour Calculus exams.
* You empathize with the characters from ‘Friends.’
* METABOLISM SLOWDOWN
* Wine appreciation expands beyond Boone’s and Mad Dog.
* You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
* Grocery lists actually contain relatively healthy food.
* When drinking, you say at least once per night, “I just can’t put it down the same way as I used to.’
* Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work, not video games.
* You’re actually willing to pay a bit more to drink in a bar that’s not full of ’21-year-old kids.’
* Golf is beginning to seem a lot less silly.
19 views |
|
|
 Processing your request, Please wait....
|
Read all jokes from: School (+376)
Teacher: You missed school yesterday didn’t you?
Pupil: Not very much!
28 views |
|
|
Processing your request, Please wait....
|
Read all jokes from: School (+376)
Teacher: Can anyone tell me how many seconds there are in a year?
Pupil: 12 – 2nd January, 2nd February…!
Teacher: This is the third time I’ve had to tell you off this week, what have you got to say about that?
Pupil: Thank heavens it’s Friday!
23 views |
|
|
Processing your request, Please wait....
|
Read all jokes from: College (+414)
* You consider McDonald’s “real food.”
* You actually like doing laundry at home.
* 4:00 AM is still early on the weekends.
* It starts getting late on the weeknights.
* Two miles is not too far to walk for a party.
* You wear dirty socks three times in a row and think nothing of it.
* You’d rather clean than study.
* Computer Solitaire is more than a game it’s, a way of life.
* You schedule your classes around sleep habits and soaps.
* You go to sleep when it’s light and get up when it’s dark.
* You live for getting mail (E-mail included).
* Looking out the window is a form of entertainment.
* Prank phone calls become funny again.
* It feels weird to take a shower without shoes on.
* World War III could take place and you’d be clueless.
* You start thinking and sounding like your roommate.
* Blacklights and highlighters are the coolest things on earth.
* Rearranging your room is your favorite pastime.
* You find out milk crates have so many uses.
* Wal-mart is the coolest store.
* The weekend lasts from Thursday to Sunday, (or Wednesday morning to Tuesday).
* You are sitting around making lists about how you know you’ve been in college too long.
15 views |
|
|
Processing your request, Please wait....
|
Read all jokes from: School (+376)
The R.E. Teacher walked into he husbands classroom (the History teacher) and said “Mike What are you doing?”
He looked up and said “I’m giving a hands on lesson on the history of sex!!!”
14 views |
|
|
Processing your request, Please wait....
|
Read all jokes from: College (+414)
An Engineering Student, a Physics Student, and a Mathematics student were each given $150 dollars and were told to use that money to find out exactly how tall a particular hotel was. All three ran off, extremely keen on how to do this.
The physics student went out, purchased some stopwatches, a number of ball bearings, and a calculator, then he gathered some friends together. He had them all time the drop of ball bearings from the roof, and he then figured out the height from the time it took for the bearings to accelerate from rest until they impacted with the sidewalk.
The math student waited until the sun was going down, then she took out her protractor, plumb line, measuring tape, and scratch pad, measured the length of the shadow, found the angle the building’s roof made from the ground, and used trigonometry to figure out the height of the building.
Of course, with all that was involved in getting this experiment done, they were up plenty late studying for other courses’ exams. These two students bumped into the engineering student the next day, who looked quite refreshed.
When asked what he did to find the height of the building he replied: “Well, I walked up to the bell hop, gave him 10 bucks, asked him how tall the hotel was, and went inside for happy hour!”
9 views |
|
|
Processing your request, Please wait....
|
Read all jokes from: Student (+358)
Here is an explanation of the school homework policy for the average student. Students should not spend more than ninety minutes per night. This time should be budgeted in the following manner if the student desires to achieve moderate to good grades in his/her classes.
15 minutes looking for assignment.
11 minutes calling a friend for the assignment.
23 minutes explaining why the teacher is mean and just does not like children.
8 minutes in the bathroom.
10 minutes getting a snack.
7 minutes checking the TV Guide.
6 minutes telling parents that the teacher never explained the assignment.
10 minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Mom or Dad to do the assignment.
17 views |
|
|
Processing your request, Please wait....
|
Read all jokes from: School (+376)
A high-school student came home one night rather depressed.
“What’s the matter, Son?” asked his mother.
“Aw, gee,” said the boy, “It’s my grades. They’re all wet.”
“What do you mean ‘all wet?’”
“You know,” he replied, “…below C-level.”
26 views |
|
|
Processing your request, Please wait....
|
Read all jokes from: College (+414)
1). Zelda and Jane were given a rottweiler at their commitment ceremony. If their dog needs to be walked two miles a day and they walk at a rate of 1/2 mile per hour, how much time will they spend discussing their relationship in public?
2). Michael has two abusive stepfathers and an alcoholic mother. If his self-esteem is reduced by 20% per dysfunctional parent, but Michael feels 3% better for every person he denigrates, how long will it take before he’s ready to go home if 1 person walks by the cafe every 2 minutes?
3). Sanjeev has 7 piercings. If the likelihood of getting cellulitis on a given day is 10% per piercing, what is the likelihood Sanjeev will need to renew his erythromycin prescription during the next week?
4). Chad wants to take half a pound of heroin to Orinda and sell it at a 20% profit. If it originally cost him $1,500 in food stamps, how much should Nicole write the check for?
5). The City and County of San Francisco decide to destroy 50 rats infesting downtown. If 9,800 animal rights activists hold a candlelight vigil, how many people did each dead rat empower?
6). A red sock, a yellow sock, a blue sock, and a white sock are tossed randomly in a drawer. What is the likelihood that the first two socks drawn will be socks of color?
7). George weighs 245 pounds and drinks two triple lattes every morning. If each shot of espresso contains 490mg of caffeine, what is George’s average caffeine density in mg/pound?
8). There are 4500 homes in Mill Valley and all of them recycle plastic. If each household recycles 10 soda bottles a day and buys one polar fleece pullover per month, does Mill Valley have a monthly plastic surplus or deficit? Bonus question: Assuming all the plastic bottles are 1 liter size, how much Evian are they drinking?
9). If the average person can eat one pork pot sticker in 30 seconds, and the waitress brings a platter of 12 pot stickers, how long will it take five vegans to not eat them?
10). Todd begins walking down Market Street with 12 $1 bills in his wallet. If he always gives panhandlers a single buck, how many legs did he have to step over if he has $3 left when he reaches the other end and met only one double-amputee?
Advanced Placement Students Only
11) Katie, Trip, Ling, John-John and Effie share a three-bedroom apartment on Guerrero for $2400 a month. Effie and Trip can share one bedroom, but the other three need their own rooms with separate ISDN lines to run their web servers. None of them wants to use the futon in the living room as a bed, and they each want to save $650 in three months to attend Burning Man. What is their best option?
a) All five roommates accept a $12/hour job-share as handgun monitors at Mission High.
b) Ask Miles, the bisexual auto mechanic, to share Effie and Trip’s bedroom for $500/month.
c) Petition the Board of Supervisors to advance Ling her annual digital-artists-of-color stipend.
d) Rent strike.
11 views |
|
|
Processing your request, Please wait....
|
Read all jokes from: Student (+358)
You should not attempt any these things. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.
1. Find two straws, preferably with wide tubes. Sip some soda up and spray it on the person next to you. Pretend nothing happened.
2. Don’t go to the dining hall. Live there and never leave. When people come in, harass for news of the outside world and tell them how the dining hall needs new ketchup.
3. Before eating, say grace. Punctuate by slamming your face into your food.
4. After obtaining your food, proceed to throw it out the nearest window. Turn to the person nearest to you and say, “Wow! Did you ever see [name of dish] fly like that before?”
5. Hide behind the milk dispenser. Moo every time someone gets milk.
6. Go up to the server and ask to see the chef. After he/she is introduced, request an off-the-menu meal consisting of lightly blackened escargot, a simmering seafood bisque, a delicately roasted rack of lamb in a basil cream sauce, and a tart but not sweet dessert of his/her own concoction. When he or she refuses, punch them and proceed to make this meal yourself.
7. After finishing your meal, look at your brand of china. Proceed to look at everyone else’s, regardless of whether they’re finished eating or not. Complain how the school is too cheap to buy some real Wedgewood china. Then dump your dishes and waste food in the trash and explain how it would be cheaper to buy new dishes than to wash the old ones.
8. During the meal, start a conversation about the innocence of Jeffrey Dahmer. Then look at everybody’s limbs with a marked amount of interest. Then “involuntarily” drool.
9. Stand in line for the food. After getting your food, smear it over your clothes and return to the end of the line. Repeat.
10. Complain how cold it is in the dining hall–to every person in the dining hall.
11. Instead of getting a fork, knife, and spoon, get three spoons. Cut your meat with them and pretend not to notice.
12. Do not to use glasses. Anytime you feel like having a drink, go up to the liquid dispenser, wrap your mouth around it, and press the button. Complain that it goes too fast.
13. Burp to the tune of Jingle Bells.
14. Stand next to the salad bar. Every time someone reaches for some food, yell, “Hey!” and shake your head.
15. Remark on how the food’s sanitation is open to question. Recall the time you saw the chef blow snot rocks into the food “for seasoning.” Ask the person next to you to be your Food Tester.
16. Enter the dining hall half naked. If you’re not immediately removed from the premises, sit next to someone eating. Ask him or her how they’re enjoying their meal.
17. Ask how the lettuce was killed. After the initial pause of confusion, shake your head angrily and yell, “What about vegetables?! Don’t they have rights too?!”
18. Grab a big handful of whatever it is you’re eating and shove it into your neighbor’s face. Offer him or her a bite.
19. Get your food and sit down. Count out loud the number of grains of rice you received, starting again every once in a while. When you’re done, go up to the server and tell him or her how you were cheated out of 8 grains and proceed to make a scene.
20. Same as above, but with burgers.
21. When they’re not looking, empty your bladder into an empty glass. Show contents to everyone and say, “This apple juice tastes funny. Here. Try some.”
22. Every time someone takes a bite of their food, laugh uncontrollably. Stop suddenly and warn everyone not to laugh. Then take a bite of yours while giving everyone an evil eye.
23. Get a friend. Practice weightlifting tables. If people complain, weightlift them.
24. Get some clean plates and empty glasses. Sit down and stare them down.
25. During the meal, yell out, “Oh my gosh! It’s still alive!” Grab your knife and start hacking at the meat.
26. Dress in clothes with lots of pockets. When you’re in the dining hall, stuff them with all the food you can find. Waddle out of the dining hall, but on the way out, remark how the dining hall never has enough food.
27. Practice singing.
28. Randomly stop people from eating and try to convince them that their food is poisoned.
29. Bring insects and small rodents. Release.
30. Dress in a toga. After getting your food, find a comfortable place to recline. Throw your utensils on the floor and start eating Romanically. Explain how you never should have trusted that Brutus guy.
31. Switch the label on skim milk with the one on whole milk.
32. Yell to someone walking by, “I’ll take two hot dogs, and my son will have some peanuts.”
33. After getting all your food, sit down. Start arranging your food alphabetically, from left to right. Ask the person next to you whether you should put orange juice under “o” or “j.”
34. Bring in a television and VCR. Set it up to play “Faces of Death.” Eat avidly as you describe each screen to everyone. Embellish. Don’t be afraid to speak while your mouth is full.
35. Get a large container and fill it with milk. Pour its contents into the cereal dispenser. Dispense cereal. Complain about how you always get too much milk.
36. Go up to someone you don’t know and say, “Can I toast your buns?”
37. Talk to your food. Tell it to quit complaining or else you’ll chew more.
38. Find and remove all the green Froot Loops from the cereal dispenser. Then announce to everyone that you’re charging a nickel for each green Froot Loop. If they refuse, tell them that they’re not real Froot Loop eaters.
39. Stand where everyone empties their trays. Offer to eat everything unfinished.
40. “Pass the pepper and salt, please.”
41. Dress up in coat and tie. Find a table where everyone’s done eating. Inform them of the daily special desserts and take their orders.
42. Spill your drink and tray on a person and run off.
43. During the meal, tell about the time you beat a boulder to death.
44. Find a full table. Ask, “Is anyone sitting under there?” Proceed to eat beneath the table. Ask for amenities such as napkins and ketchup. Comment on how nice everyone’s shoes look.
45. If sitting with someone with whom you’re romantically interested, complain how the setting isn’t very romantic. Apologize. Then give a look of resolve and proceed to smash all the lights in the dining hall. Sit back down and remove the shattered glass from your partner’s food.
46. Bring in a cordless or cellular phone. Order pizza.
47. During the meal, complain how terrible the virus is that you have. Proceed to cough and sneeze on everyone’s food.
48. Speak of some disgusting topic while everyone is eating.
49. Request a waitress.
50. Comment on how good the food is.
7 views |
|
|
Processing your request, Please wait....
|
|
