Read all jokes from: Student (+358)
The farmer and his wife had worked hard, scrimped and saved to send their son to college. As soon as he had enroled, he started to grow a beard. Next he grew a large moustache and sideburns. Being pleased with his new hirsute adornment, he had his picture taken and sent it off to his parents.
On the back of the photo he scrawled “How do you like it? Don’t I look like a count?”
Shortly after, the son received this terse note: “You idiot, it cost us a fortune to send you to college, and you can’t even spell!”
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Read all jokes from: College (+414)
A professor was sitting in his office one afternoon when an attractive, sexy-looking girl knocked on his door.
“Yes?” he replied, “How may I help you?”
The girl said “I need to talk to you about my grade in your class.”
“Come in and have a seat,” said the instructor.
“Is there anything I can do to get an “A” in your class?”
“What do you mean by *anything*,” he replied.
She said “Anything!”
“Anything??”
She said, in her best sultry voice, “I mean ANYTHING.”
The instructor got up from behind his desk, sat down beside her and whispered in her ear, “Would you study?”
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Read all jokes from: College (+414)
A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form. A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available.
The pharmacist says, “Here’s a pill for English literature.”
The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!
“What else do you have?” asks the student.
“Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history,” replies the pharmacist.
The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects. Then the student asks, “Do you have a pill for math?”
The pharmacist says, “Wait just a moment.” He goes back into the storeroom and brings back a whopper of a pill and plunks it on the counter.
“I have to take that huge pill for math?” inquires the student.
The pharmacist replied, “Well, you know … math always was a little hard to swallow.”
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Read all jokes from: Student (+358)
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. “I’m wasting my time,” she said to her mother.
“I can’t read, I can’t write – and they won’t let me talk!”
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Read all jokes from: Student (+358)
A – Alcohol: The key to surviving college.
B – Beer: The most disgusting alcohol of all, but great for chugging.
C – Class: What you’re supposed to get up and go to after a Wednesday night party.
D – Dancing: A favorite pastime of almost every drunk, usually looks pathetic.
E – Emergency: The keg is empty or there is no one over 21 in your drinking party.
F – Fucked Up: Signified by leaning over a toilet puking your guts out.
G – Games: Anything that involves cards, dice, quarters, and chugging beers.
H – Hangover: Reminds you of how great last night was and how much you drank.
I – Idiot: The guy that spilled his beer on you and everyone else at the party.
J – Jail: Where you’ll end up after trying to either use a fake ID or stagger home.
K – Kissing: What you’ll do to anything that moves after 15 beers.
L – Lord: Person you beg to get you out of every situation involving alcohol.
M – Money: That which you no longer have due to too much partying.
N – Not Again!: What you scream when you wake up beside someone you don’t know.
O – Officer: Person usually responsible for ending any party, tending to show up most often at parties where no one is 21.
P – Pee: What you have to do every five minutes while you’re drinking beer.
Q – Quilt: What you puked on last night in bed and have to clean in the morning (YUCK!).
R – Reform: What you promise God you will do while you’re puking in the toilet.
S – Sex: What you did with that person you met last night while you were drunk.
T – Twenty: The number of beers it takes ME to get drunk.
U – Underage: Most of the drinking population at any given college.
V – Vodka: The mother of all alcohols and the best way to get drunk in an hour.
W – Worm: The part of tequila that reminds you of biology class tomorrow.
X – X-Ray: How they can see into your stomach before they pump it.
Y – Yourself: The one who drinks WAY TOO MUCH every weekend.
Z – Zoned: Your condition for the next 12 hours following drinking.
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Read all jokes from: Little Johnny (+647), School (+376)
Little Johnny’s teacher asked him, “Johnny, give me a sentence using the words, “bitter end” in it.
Little Johnny thought for a moment and replies, “Our dog chased our cat and he bitter end.”
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Read all jokes from: Student (+358)
A famed English explorer was invited to Dartmouth to tell of his adventures in the African jungle.
“Can you imagine,” he demanded, “people so primitive that they love to eat the embryo of certain birds, and slices from the belly of certain animals? And grind up grass seed, make it into a paste, burn it over a fire, then smear it with a greasy mess they extract from the mammary fluid of certain other animals?”
When the students looked startled by such barbarism, the explorer added softly, “What I’ve been describing, of course, is a breakfast of bacon and eggs and buttered toast.”
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Read all jokes from: Student (+358)
A visitor to a certain college paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall that had been built on campus.
“It’s a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway,” he said.
“Actually,” said his guide, “it’s named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation.”
The visitor was astonished. “Was Joshua Hemingway a writer, also?”
“Yes, indeed,” said his guide. “He wrote a check.”
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Read all jokes from: Kids (+2426), School (+376)
A young boy came home from school and told his mother, “I had a big fight with Sidney. He called me a sissy.”
“What did you do?” the mother asked.
“I hit him with my purse!”
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Read all jokes from: College (+414)
Professors of different subjects define the same word in different ways:
Prof. of Computer Science:
A kiss is a few bits of love compiled into a byte.
Prof. of Algebra:
A kiss is two divided by nothing.
Prof. of Geometry:
A kiss is the shortest distance between two straight lines.
Prof. of Physics:
A kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.
Prof. of Chemistry:
A kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.
Prof. of Zoology:
A kiss is the interchange of unisexual salivary bacteria.
Prof. of Physiology:
A kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicular ors muscles in the state of contraction.
Prof. of Dentistry:
A kiss is infectious and antiseptic.
Prof. of Accountancy:
A kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.
Prof. of Economics:
A kiss is that thing for which the demand is higher than the supply.
Prof. of Statistics:
A kiss is an event whose probability depends on the vital statistics of 36-24-36.
Prof. of Philosophy:
A kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.
Prof. of English:
A kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction; it is more common than proper; it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.
Prof. of Engineering:
Uh, What? I’m not familiar with that term.
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