Read all jokes from: Celebrity (+967)
Antonio Banderas & Melanie Griffith went to church every week, but every week without fail Antonio would fall asleep during the sermon. Melanie, being
embarrassed by Antonio’s snoring decided to bring a needle and poke him when he nods off.
The next week Antonio as always fell asleep. When the preacher asked “Who created the earth in 6 days and rested on the 7th”. Melanie stuck Antonio
and he jumped up and exclaimed “Oh my God!”. The preacher said ” That’s correct”. Antonio soon fell asleep again. Then the preacher asked
“And who died on the cross to save us from eternal damnation’”. Melanie stuck Antonio again when he jumped up and said “Jesus Christ!”.The
preacher said “Right again”.
With this Antonio fell suspicious of Melanie and decided to catch her in the act. Antonio pretended to fall asleep while keeping an eye on Melanie when the preacher said “What did Mary say to Joseph after Jesus was born’”. Melanie started to poke Antonio again, but before she could Antonio jumped and exclaimed “If you stick that damn thing in me again, I’m going to break it in half!”
After this incident the couple stopped going to church…
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Read all jokes from: Celebrity (+967)
Cameron Diaz is speaking to her psychiatrist. “I’m on the road a lot, and my fans are complaining that they can never reach me.”
Psychiatrist: “Don’t you have a phone in your car’”
Cameron Diaz: “That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car.”
Psychiatrist: “Uh … How’s that working’”
Cameron Diaz: “Actually, I haven’t gotten any letters yet.”
Psychiatrist: “And why do you think that is’”
Cameron Diaz: “I figure it’s because when I’m driving around, my zip code keeps changing.”
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Read all jokes from: Celebrity (+967)
During late spring one year, Paris Hilton was trying out her new boat. She was unable to have her boat perform, travel through water, or do any maneuvers whatsoever no matter how hard she tried.
After trying for over three days to make it work properly, she decided to seek help. She putted the boat over to the local marina in hopes that someone there could identify her problem.
Workers determined that everything from the engine to the outdrive was working perfectly on the topside of the boat. So, a puzzled marina employee jumped into the water to check underneath the boat for problems. Because he was laughing so hard, he came up choking on water and gasping for air. Under the boat, still strapped in place securely, was the trailer.
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Read all jokes from: Celebrity (+967)
ONe day, Al Gore, George W and Raplph Nader were eating lunch at a resturatunt.
They paid the check, then went to the bathroom.
On their way in, an attendant told them that the mirror in the bathroom would hold you until you said something if you looked at it, and if you told the truth you would get a billion dollars. But if you lied, youd be trapped in the mirror forever.
Ralph finished first, and looked at the mirror. Trapped, he said “i think i am the smartest one in this bathroom” and he got a billion dollars. Then Al Gore looked at the mirror and said, “i think i have the biggest ego in this bathroom” and he got a billion dollars. Then George looked at the mirror and siad, “i think-” and FWOOSH! he was trapped in the mirror.
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Read all jokes from: Celebrity (+967)
Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then Jennifer stops and says, ” I don’ t feel like it. I just
want you to hold me.” Ben says ” WHAT’” Jennifer explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. He realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day Ben takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells her,
We’ll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each. And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond
earrings. Jennifer is so excited (she thinks he has flipped out, but she does not care) . She goes for the tennis bracelet. Ben says
” but you don’t even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it. ‘ Jennifer is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is
going on. She says ” I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. ” Ben says, ” no – no – no, honey we’re not going to buy all this stuff.
” Jennifer’s face goes blank.
” No honey – I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. ” Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the Ben says ” You must not be
in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!
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Read all jokes from: Celebrity (+967)
Steven Spielberg was busy discussing his new action adventure about famous classical composers. Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger were in the room. “Who do you want to play?” Spielberg asked Bruce Willis. “I’ve always been a big fan of Chopin,” said Bruce. “I’ll play him.” “And you, Sylvester?” asked Spielberg. “Mozart’s the one for me!” said Sly. “And what about you?” Spielberg asked Arnold Schwarzenegger. “I’ll be Bach,” said Arnie.
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Read all jokes from: Celebrity (+967)
Q. What will it take to bring the Kennedy family back together?
A. One more mishap!
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Read all jokes from: Celebrity (+967)
Q: What does Hannibal Lecter call Britney Spears’
A: Dinner at Hooters!
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Read all jokes from: Celebrity (+967)
Q: How will the priest begin the Sonny Bono’s eulogy?
A: “We are gathered together on this slalom occasion…”
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Read all jokes from: Celebrity (+967)
It is an open secret now that Britney Spears and Kevin’s marriage has started to fall apart…. The reason being Kevin’s crazy Partying…
One day Kevin Federline wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can’t believe. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose. Kevin sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Kevin looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table:
“Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go to my new video rehearsal–Love you!” He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. The babysitter is sitting on the couch watching TV.
Jack asks, “Mindy…what happened last night’”
“Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.”
“So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me’”
The babysitter, “Oh THAT!… Britney dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, “Leave me alone, lady, I’m married!”
Broken furniture – $85.26
Hot Breakfast – $4.20
Red Rose bud -$3.00
Two Aspirins -$.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time……Priceless!
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