Read all jokes from: Celebrity (+967)
Q: What was Sonny wearing when they found him?
A: A Douglas Fir!
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Read all jokes from: Celebrity (+967)
David Beckham walks into a sperm donor bank, “I`d like to donate some sperm” he says to the receptionist.
“Certainly Sir” replies the receptionist, “have you donated before?”.
“Yes” replies Beckham “you should have my details on your computer”.
“Oh yes, I`ve found your details” says the receptionist “but I see you`re going to need help. Shall I call Posh Spice for you?”
“Why do I need help to donate sperm?” asks Beckham. The receptionist replies “Well, it says on your record that you`re a useless wanker…”
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Read all jokes from: Celebrity (+967)
Paris Hilton was in deep financial crisis.
So she got on her knees and prayed “Dear God, please let me win the lottery. I really need your help or I’ll loose my car, the house, and everything else.” She doesn’t win. The next day she prays to God “God! I really really need your help! I’ll loose my car, the house, and everything else.” Once again, she doesn’t win. The next day she says the same prayer; then God speaks to her ” Paris! work with me here, BUY A TICKET!”
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Read all jokes from: Celebrity (+967)
It all starts off one day when Hillary Clinton dies and she goes to heaven.
When she finally gets up there she see’s over a million clocks around heaven, so she asks one of the angels “why are there so many clocks up here?”
The angel says ” each clock has a name on it and the name of that person is still in earth, when that person lies the clock ticks one second.”
So Hillary said “OK.”
Then she asked if she could check out some famouse peoples clocks, the angel said “ok.”
So they went around heaven and they saw different peoples clocks, and of course once and a while they would go and turn one full second.
So about 10 minutes later she asks “may I see my husbands clock?”
The angel says “sorry its upstairs with Jesus.”
Hillary says “why?”
The angel replies “he was getting pretty hot so he took it with him to use it as a fan.”
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Read all jokes from: Celebrity (+967), Jewish (+6992)
Bright spark
When Albert Einstein was young, he was regularly invited to speak at various conferences. But he nearly always found himself wishing that he was back in his laboratory carrying out further pioneering work.
One day, Einstein said to his chauffeur, “Issy, I am getting so very tired of making these speeches, but what on earth can I do? “.
Issy replied, “I have an idea, sir. I’ve heard you give your presentation many times before and I’ll bet I could quite easily give your talk for you. Why, I even look and speak like you.” Einstein thought for a while, then laughed and replied, “What a good idea Issy, why not?
So for the next conference, they exchanged clothes. Einstein put on Issy’s uniform and peaked cap and then got behind the wheel of the car. When they arrived at the conference centre, Einstein went and sat at the back of the theatre and wondered how Issy would cope. He needn’t have worried. Issy gave an excellent speech and even answered the first few of the questions that followed. But then one of the other professors asked Issy an extremely awkward question about the speed of light in relation to the formation of anti-matter. Quick as a flash, Issy replied, “The answer to your question is easy. In fact it is so basic that I will ask my chauffeur, who is sitting at the back of the hall, to answer it for me.”
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Read all jokes from: Celebrity (+967)
1. Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
3. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
4. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
5. Chuck Norris defines love as the reluctance to murder. If you’re still alive, it’s because Chuck Norris loves you.
6. Chuck Norris isn’t hung like a horse. Horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
7. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
8. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb.
9. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
10. Chuck Norris can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.
11. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
12. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten.
13. Chuck Norris invented cancer because he was tired of killing people
14. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
15. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
16. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
17. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
18. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
19. When Chuck Norris jumps into a body of water, he doesn’t get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris instead.
20. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
21. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
22. When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.
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Read all jokes from: Celebrity (+967)
Q. What did Helen Keller do when she fell down the well?
A. She screamed her hands off.
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Read all jokes from: Celebrity (+967)
One day three midgets decided they wanted to be in the record books the fist one says “I have pretty short arms”, so he goes and succeeds. The second one says “I have pretty short legs,” so he goes and succeeds. The third one says “I have a very small penis,” and when he comes back he says “Who the hell is Leonardo DiCaprio?”
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Read all jokes from: Celebrity (+967)
Q. What will it take to bring the Kennedy family back together?
A. One more mishap!
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Read all jokes from: Celebrity (+967)
Eva Longoria walked into a gas station and said to the manager, ‘I locked my keys in my car. Do you have a coat hanger or something I can stick through the window to unlock the door’
‘Why sure,’ said the manager, ‘we have something that works especially well for that.’
A couple minutes later, the manager walked outside to see how Eva Longoria was doing and he heard another voice. ‘No, no! A little to the left,’ said her friend inside the car.
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