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Read all jokes from:Bar (+1637)
A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet. “Does your dog bite?” “No.” A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg. “I thought you said your dog didn’t bite!” the man says indignantly. “That’s not my dog.”
Read all jokes from:Bar (+1637)
LEVEL 1: It’s 11:00 on a weeknight, you’ve had a few beers. You get up to leave because you have work the next day and one of your friends buys another round. One of your UNEMPLOYED friends. Here at level one you think to yourself, “Oh come on, this is silly, why as long as I get seven hours of sleep (snap fingers), I’m cool.” LEVEL 2: It’s midnight. You’ve had a few more beers. You’ve just spent 20 minutes arguing against artificial turf. You get up to leave again, but at level two, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you’re thinking, “Hey! I’m out with my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep (snaps fingers) I’m cool.” LEVEL 3: One in the morning. You’ve abandoned beer for tequila. You’ve just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR artificial turf. And now you’re thinking, “Our waitress is the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen!” At level three, you love the world. On the way to the bathroom you buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar just because you like his face. You get drinking fantasies. (like,”Hey fellas, if we bought our own bar, we could live together forever. We could do it. Tommy, you could cook.”) But at level three, that devil is a little bit bigger….and he’s buying. And you’re thinking, “Oh, come on, come on now. As long as I get three hours sleep…and a complete change of blood (snaps fingers), I’m cool.” LEVEL 4: Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending. For last call, you ordered a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf! This time on your way to the bathroom, you punch the stranger at the end of the bar, just because you don’t like his face! And now you’re thinking, “Our busboy is the best looking man I’ve ever seen.” You and your friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown out, and one of you knows an after hours bar. And here, at level four, you actually think to yourself, “Well….as long as I’m only going to get a few hours sleep anyway, I may as well….STAY UP ALL NIGHT! Yeah! That’d be good for me. I don’t mind going to that board meeting looking like Keith Richards. Yeah, I’ll turn that around, make it work for me. And besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleep tomorrow ……………….cool.” LEVEL 5: Five in the morning after unsuccessfully trying to get your money back at the tattoo parlor, (“But I don’t even know anybody named Ruby!”) you and your friends wind up across the state line in a bar with guys who have been in prison as recently as that morning. It’s the kind of place where even the devil is going, “Uh, I gotta turn in. I gotta be in Hell-at nine. I’ve got that brunch with Hitler, I can’t miss that.” At this point, you’re all drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like something from a Klingon wedding. A waitress with fresh stitches comes over, and you think to yourself, “Someday I’m gonna marry that girl!” One of your friends stands up and screams, “WE’RE DRIVIN’ TO FLORIDA!”- and passes out. You crawl outside for air , and then you hit the worst part of level five-the sun. You weren’t expecting that were you? You never do. You walk out of a bar in daylight, and you see people on their way to work, or jogging. And they look at you and they know. And they say…”Who’s Ruby?” Let’s be honest, if you’re 19 and you stay up all night, it’s like a victory like you’ve beat the night, but if you’re over 30, then that sun is like God’s flashlight. We all say the same prayer then, “I swear, I will never do this again (how long?) as long as I live!” And some of us have that little addition, “and this time, I mean it!”
Read all jokes from:Bar (+1637)
10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth. 9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you. 8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. 7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt. 6. You can focus better with one eye closed. 5. You fall off the floor. 5. The whole bar greets you when you come in. 4. You haven’t had a driver’s license in such a long time that you have forgotten what one looks like. 3. Roseanne looks good. 2. You don’t recognize your wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass. 1. You spent more time on the floor than you do standing up.
Read all jokes from:Bar (+1637)
A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, “Hey, you don’t need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery.” The lady asks, “How do I do it without surgery?” “Just rub toilet paper between them.” Startled the lady asks, “How does that make them bigger?” “I don’t know, but it worked for your ass.”
Read all jokes from:Bar (+1637)
A Panda walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a meal. When the meal finally arrives, he eats it quickly, then shoots a drunk, and leaves the bar. A patron walks over to the bartender and asks, “What was that all about?” The bartender replies, “Look up ‘panda’ in the dictionary, pal.” And so, the patron retrieves his Webster’s dictionary from his coat pocket and looks up the word ‘panda.’ “What’s it say?” asks the bartender. The patron replies with a grin, “Eats shoots and leaves.”
Read all jokes from:Bar (+1637)
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts. SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. SYMPTOM: Floor blurred. SYMPTOM: Floor moving. SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark. SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
Read all jokes from:Bar (+1637)
This guy enters a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building in New York. It looked like a nice place and he then takes a seat at the bar next to another guy. “This is a nice place, I’ve never been here before,” the first guy says. “Oh really,” the other replies, “it’s also a very special bar.” “Why is that?” the first guy asks. “Well, you see that painting on the far wall? That’s an original Van Gough, and this stool I’m sitting on was on the Titanic.” “Gee, that’s amazing!” the first guy says. “Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out, you’ll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you’re pushed back up.” “No way, that’s impossible,” the first guy replies. “Not at all, take a look,” the other man replies and walks over to the window, followed closely by the first man. He opens the window, climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops 10…20…30…40…50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window. “See, it’s fun. You should try it!” he says. “Try it? I don’t even believe I saw it!” the first man shouts. “It’s easy. Watch, I’ll do it again.” And with that, he falls out the window, again. He drops 10…20…30…40…50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh!…he comes right back up and sails back through the window. “Go ahead, give it a try, it’s a blast!” he says. “Well, what the heck, OK…I’ll give it a try,” the first man says and proceeds to fall out the window. He falls 10…20…30…40…50…100… 200…300…500…1000 feet and SPLAT!… ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk below. After calmly watching the first man fall to his death, the other guy casually closes the window and heads back to the bar and orders another drink. The bartender arrives with the drink and says, “You know, Superman, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk!”
Read all jokes from:Bar (+1637)
A guy traveling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and went to a bar. He stood at the end of the bar, ordered a drink, and lit up a cigar. As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings. After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry American Indian stomped up to him and said, “One more remark like that and I’ll smash your face in!”
Read all jokes from:Bar (+1637)
One day, two rednecks named Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of Buds. The passenger, Bubba, said, “Looky thar up ahead Earl. It’s a po-leece roadblock. We’re gonna get busted fer drinkin’ these here beers!” “Don’t worry Bubba,” Earl said. “We’ll just pull over and finish drinkin’ these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat.” “What fer?” asked Bubba. “Just let me do the talking, okay?” said Earl. They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, “Have you boys been drinking?” “No sir.” said Earl. “We’re on the patch.”
Read all jokes from:Bar (+1637)
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers, and that’s why beer is so good for you!
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