Read all jokes from: Bar (+1637)
A guy walks into a bar and notices a sign on the wall. It says “Ask about our special challenge”.
He asks the bartender what its all about.
The bartender says points to two large pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling about three and a bit yards up and says “If you can jump up and touch those pieces of meat then you can drink in this bar free for a year.
However if you don’t manage to reach them then you have to buy everyone here two rounds each.”
The guy thinks about it and muses it over.
He looks at the meat then at the barman then at the meat then looks at the barman and says “Nah, pal. The steaks are too high.”
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Read all jokes from: Bar (+1637)
A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch.
The bartender pours him the drink and the guy downs it in one gulp. “Wow”, says the bartender, “Something bad must have happened”.
Yeah it did, he said. “I came home early today, went up to the bedroom, and found my wife having sex with my best friend.”
The bartender pours the guy another triple shot. “This one’s on the house”. The dude gulps it down once again. The bartender asks “Did you say anything to your wife ?
” The guy answers “Yea, I walked up to her, told her to pack her bag’s and get out !”
“What about your friend ?” asks the bartender. “I looked him straight in the eye and said BAD DOG”
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Read all jokes from: Bar (+1637)
A guy walks into a bar and asks for three beers. The bartender puts them up and then watches the guy go through a peculiar ritual. “Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday, happy birthday” Each time he says the word he drinks the beer. Then he pays and walks out.
One year later he enters the bar again and orders the same thing. The bartender watches him go through the same ritual. Curious, he asks the bloke why.
“Well” the guy says, “I have a friend in Ireland and a friend in Australia. We have our birthdays on the same day. We can’t be together so we have agreed that on this day we will each go into our local pub and have a round of drinks for each other. We have been doing this for 55 years since we were 18″
The next year the man comes in and asks the bartender for two beers. The bartender, a bit taken aback, places two beers in front of the guy and watches him say “happy birthday, happy birthday!” The bartender asks “so which one died?”
“No one.”
“But you only ordered two drinks!”
“Yeah, well, I’ve given up drinking.”
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Read all jokes from: Drunk (+137)
Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait.
Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm.
Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat and went about his fishing.
An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms.
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Read all jokes from: Drunk (+137)
A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer.
The bartender says, “I’m sorry, but we don’t serve strings here.”
The string walks away a little upset and sits down with his friends.
A few minutes later he goes back to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender, looking a little exasperated, says, “I’m sorry, we don’t serve strings here.”
So the string goes back to his table. Then he gets an idea. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair.
Then he walks back up to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender squints at him and says, “Hey, aren’t you a string?”
And the string says, “Nope, I’m a frayed knot.”
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Read all jokes from: Bar (+1637)
The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage.
1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.
2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you
4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.
6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.
7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.
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Read all jokes from: Bar (+1637)
A nasty, sweaty, amazon woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walks into a bar. She raises her arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks:
“What man out there will buy a lady a drink?”
The whole bar goes dead silent, as the drinkers try to ignore her, nobody makes eye contact. At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says:
“Bartender, I want to buy that ballerina a drink!”
The bartender pours the drink and the woman proceeds to drink. A little while later, after she is done, she turns again to the bar and points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit and asking:
“What man out there will buy a lady a drink?”
Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says:
“Bartender, I’d like to buy the ballerina another drink!”
After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches the little drunk and states, “It’s your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?” The drunk replies, “Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!”.
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Read all jokes from: Bar (+1637)
After a long night buying a foxy woman drinks, Joe took advantage by giving her a ride home. After the walk to the door, the woman asked Joe in for a nightcap…
One thing led to another and before you know it, Joe was naked.
After making great love Joe rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.
Unable to find it, Joe asked the girl if she had one at hand.
“There might be some matches in the top drawer.”, she said.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, Joe began to worry.
“Is this your husband?” he inquired nervously. “No, silly,” she replied, snuggling up to him.
“Your boyfriend then?” he asked. “No, not at all,” she said, nibbling away at his ear.
“Well, who is he then?” demanded Joe bewildered.
Calmly, the girl replied, “That’s me before the operation.”
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Read all jokes from: Bar (+1637)
A young man truly in love with his girlfriend decided to have her name tattooed on his penis. Her name was Wendy, and the tattoo was done while the penis was erect, so when it was not erect all you could see was W Y.
Shortly after the couple was married they were honeymooning in Jamaica the man was in a bathroom in Jamaica, and standing next to him was a Jamaican man who also had a W Y on his penis.
The American said to him “Oh is your girl named Wendy too?”
The Jamaican replied, “No, Mr. that says Welcome to Jamaica Have a Nice Day”.
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Read all jokes from: Bar (+1637)
A guy walks over to a gorgeous chick sitting at a barstool and says, “I want to play with your ta-tas all night.”
Shocked, the woman says, “Oh my god, do you see that huge guy over there? He’s my boyfriend and he’ll kick your ass!”
The man replies, “I still want to play with your ta-tas all night, and fill your scamper with beer and drink it.”
Disgusted, the woman walks over to her boyfriend and tells him what’s going on. “That man over there says he wants to play with my ta-tas all night.”
The boyfriend stands up pissed off and rolls up his sleeves.
She then says, “He also said he wants to fill my scamper up with beer and drink out of it.”
The boyfriend rolls down his sleeves, sits down and continues drinking.
“What are you doing, aren’t you going to kick his ass?”
The boyfriend smugly replies, “I ain’t gonna mess with a guy that can drink that much beer.”
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