Read all jokes from: Drunk (+137)
Two farmers, Joe and Bob, lived as neighbors, but didn’t like each other much. In 1989, there was a period of -30 degree centigrade cold and Bob and Joe had nothing to do because of it. So they bet a bottle of vodka who can sit out on the window ledge the longest with a bare ass.
After two hours Bob’s wife came home and asked Bob, “What are you doing?”
Bob explained and she said, “Come on… you will only freeze your ass off.”
Bob refused as he wanted to win the bet.
Then his wife got an idea. “Let’s change places when Joe is looking the other way.”
Bob’s wife put on the same kind of pullover and cap and traded places with Bob.
Half an hour later Joe’s wife came home and asked him, “What are you doing?”
Joe told her and said, “I am determined to win the bottle!”
“You are crazy. Come on in.”
“Certainly not, I am already on the winning side. Bob lost his balls half an hour ago!”
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Read all jokes from: Animals (+5198), Bar (+1637), Sex (+4813)
A guy walks into a bar with a crocodile.
The barman goes, “You can’t bring that animal in here!”
But the guy goes, “Hey, he does tricks. Watch!”
He taps on the crocodile’s head, and the beast opens its mouth. The guy unzips his pants, whips out his vulnerable member, and puts it in the crocodile’s mouth. Then he taps on the crocodile’s head again, and the beast closes its mouth. Everyone in the bar is aghast. The guy gets his penis out, and he goes, “I’ll give 100 bucks to anyone who can do that.”
Everyone is really, really quiet. Suddenly, a drunk shouts, “I… I think I can do that. But I don’t think I can leave my mouth open that long!”
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Read all jokes from: Bar (+1637)
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, “I’ve got to take you in, pal. You’re obviously drunk.”
Our wasted friend asked, “Officer, are yer absolutely sure I’m drunk?”
“Yeah, buddy, I’m sure,” said the cop. “Let’s go.”
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, “Thank God for that, I thought I was crippled.”
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Read all jokes from: Bar (+1637)
A little man walked into a bar and slipped on a pile of dog poo by the door. Moments later, a burly biker came in and slipped on it as well. “. The little man said: “I just did that.” and the biker hit him.
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Read all jokes from: Bar (+1637)
Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn’t drive.
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Read all jokes from: Bar (+1637)
An obnoxious drunk stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink, the bartender says, “No way buddy you’re too drunk.”
A few minutes later the drunk comes in through the bathrooms, again he slurs “give me a drink.”
The bartender says “No man I told you last time you’re too drunk”
Five minutes later the guy comes in through the back door and orders a drink, again the bartender says “You’re too drunk”
The drunk scratches his head and says “Damn I must be… the last two places said the same thing.”
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Read all jokes from: Bar (+1637)
A man walks into a bar with a piece of tarmac under his arm and says “two pints please, one for me and one for the road.”
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Read all jokes from: Bar (+1637)
A man walks into a bar, and as he makes his way to the counter, he stops and talks to everyone in the bar. As he finishes with each group of people, they all get up and leave and go stand outside the window, looking in. Finally, the bar is empty except for this guy and the bartender. The man walks up to the counter, and says to the bartender, “I bet you $1,000 that I can spray beer from my mouth into a shot glass from thirty feet away, and not get any outside the glass.”
The bartender thinks that this guy is a nutcase, but he wants his $1,000, so he agrees. The bartender gets out a shot glass, paces off thirty feet, and the contest begins. The man sprays beer all over the bar. He doesn’t even touch the shot glass. When he finishes, the bartender looks at him and says, “Well, I guess you owe me $1,000, huh?”
The man answers, “Yeah, but I bet all of those people outside the window $500 a piece that I could come in here and spray beer all over the bar.”
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Read all jokes from: Bar (+1637)
A man walked into the bar at a hotel that was hosting a convention of personal hygiene product salesmen. He sat down at a table with some of his fellow salesmen.
Immediately one of the other salesmen says to him: “Hey Bill! We were just talking about you. Your territory sucks! Nobody was ever able to make a living in it before you. But now, you son-of-a-gun, you win the all-expense-paid trip to Vegas three years in a row, selling almost twice as much as anyone else in the whole Southwest region! How in the hell do you do it?”
Bill replied, “Its easy! I take a big engraved silver bowl and fill it up with fresh dogcrap. Next I garnish it carefully with parsley sprigs, celery stalks, scallions, olives and thin-sliced red bell pepper rings. I take this to the airport and set it on a table on an elegantly embroidered white tablecloth. I serve samples on cocktail wafers to all who pass by. As soon as someone takes a bite they usually say ‘Jesus Christ! This stuff tastes like CRAP!’
I reply ‘Yes sir! That’s what it is!
Would you care to buy a toothbrush?”
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Read all jokes from: Bar (+1637)
A cowboy went to the city for a little rest and relaxation. But he didn’t succeed in coping well with the complexities of city life. At midnight, he was alone in his hotel room, jerking off.
Suddenly the door was opened by a bellhop carrying a drink intended for the room next door. “Pardon me, sir,” said the flustered bellhop, “but where would you like me to sit your drink?”
“I didn’t order no drink,” retorted the cowboy, thinking fast. “Can’t you see I’m already so drunk that I’m taking advantage of me?”
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