Read all jokes from: Bar (+1638)
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at three in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk. After leaving the bar, he returns home on foot.
When he enters his house, he doesn’t want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs though, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his back. That wouldn’t have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke; the broken glass carved up his back terribly. Yet, he was so drunk that he didn’t know he was hurt.
A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up terribly. He then repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting, his back was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
“Well, you really tied one on last night,” she said. “Where’d you go?”
“I worked late,” he said, “and I stopped off for a couple of beers.”
“A couple of beers? That’s a laugh,” she replied. “You got plastered last night. Where did you go?”
“What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?”
“Well,” she replied, “my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror.”
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Read all jokes from: Bar (+1638)
Things that are difficult to say when you’re drunk…
a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon
Things that are VERY difficult to say when you’re drunk…
a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate
Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you’re drunk…
a) Thanks, but I don’t want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you’re not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn’t it lovely out tonight?
f) I’m not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn’t – no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won’t make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I’d hate to look like a fool.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.
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Read all jokes from: Bar (+1638)
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.” The Irishman replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I’m here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.” The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.” The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. “Oh, no,” he says, “Everyone’s fine. I’ve just quit drinking.”
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Read all jokes from: Bar (+1638)
A short-sighted good samaritan was on his way home one evening when he . ; met a drunk slumped in the doorway of an apartment block. “Do you live here?” asked the samaritan, peering through his thick glasses. “Yeah,” said the drunk. “On the second floor.” “Would you like me to take you upstairs?” “Thanks.”
The samaritan gingerly led the drunk up to the second floor but decided that he , didn’t really want to face the wrath of an angry wife. So he opened the first door he” came to and pushed the drunk through it. Having done his good deed for the day, he went back downstairs where, to his surprise, he found another drunk. This man also said he lived on the second floor. so the samaritan led him slowly up the stairs, pushed him through the same door and went back down the stairs with the intention of completing his journey home. But when he got to the bottom of the stairs, he found yet another drunk who said he lived on the second floor. So the samaritan guided him up the stairs, pushed him through the same door and went back downstairs.
Once again a drunk was standing there, leaning against the wall and looking decidedly the worse for wear. But before the samaritan could do anything, the drunk I staggered over to a passing police officer and said: “Officer, protect me from this man. He keeps taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!”
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Read all jokes from: Bar (+1638)
A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “I bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye.” The bartender says, “Yeah, right! I’ve never seen anyone do that!” So the man takes out his glass eye and bites it.
The angry bartender pays the man his fifty dollars and the man walks away. He comes back half an hour later and says, “I bet you fifty dollars I can bite my left eye.” Now the bartender becomes really skeptical. She says, “I just saw you walk in here – you can’t be blind!” So he takes out his fake teeth and bites his left eye. The bartender pays him his money and he walks away.
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Read all jokes from: Bar (+1638)
A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the man’s friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside.
He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing.
“What’s so funny?” the bartender asked.
“That stupid Dave!” the fellow chortled, “He’s so drunk, he thinks he’s me!”
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Read all jokes from: Drunk (+137)
Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, “I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland.”
The other guy responds proudly, “Yes, that I am!”
The first guy says, “So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?”
The other guy answers, “I’m from Dublin, I am.”
The first guy responds, “Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?”
The other guy says, “A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.”
The first guy says, “Faith & it’s a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?”
The other guy answers, “Well now, I went to St. Mary’s of course.”
The first guy gets really excited, and says, “And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?”
The other guy answers, “Well, now, I graduated in 1964.”
The first guy exclaims, “The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary’s in 1964 my own self.”
About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, “It’s going to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again.”
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Read all jokes from: Bar (+1638)
After noticing a beautiful young blonde sitting on her own in a pub, a suave, sophisticated young man confidently strolled over to the table where she was sat and said: “What can I get you, gorgeous?”
The woman, blushed and replied: “If you’re sure you don’t mind, I’ll have a large stiff one, please.”
The man smiled, casually leaned over the table, and whispered into the woman’s ear: “Would that be before or after I’ve got the drinks?”
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Read all jokes from: Bar (+1638)
A man walks into a bar..
Everything in this bar is golden!
Golden carpets, golden shotglasses, golden beermats……
After one too many drinks he stumbles into what he thinks is the toilet and theres even a golden urinal!
The man goes home and tells his wife about this place and she isnt convinced, so in the morning she fones the bar and says, “Is every thing in your bar golden..? Golden carpets, golden shotglasses, golden beermats?”
“Yes” ansers the bartender..
“What about a golden urinal?”
“Hold on” says the bartender….
“Eddie.. I think we found the guy who leaked in your saxafone!”.
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Read all jokes from: Bar (+1638)
The policeman signals to an car driver to pull over to the side of the road, due to the fact that he appears to be driving erratically. He says to the driver, “You appear to have been drinking!”
The driver answers, “No sir, I am just tired.”
The policeman looks into the car and notices that the driver is a priest! He also notices that there is an empty bottle on the floor. He says to the driver, “What is, or should I say was in this bottle?
The driver answers, “Water!”
The policeman says, “It is not, it’s wine!”
The driver looks up to the heavens and says, “Oh Lord, you have done it again!”
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