Read all jokes from: Bar (+1635)
One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. To his astonishment, the results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.
The driver replied, “Tonight, I’m the designated decoy.”
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Read all jokes from: Bar (+1635)
A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says to the guy: “Mate, you’ve got a steering wheel down your pants.”
The guy replies “Yeah I know. Its driving me nuts!”
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Read all jokes from: Bar (+1635)
A man walks into a bar.
Bartender asks what’ll have.
Man replies “A Beer and a shot of whiskey before the trouble starts”.
Bartender shakes his head and gives him his drinks.
All night, each time the bartender asks for his order the man says “A Beer and a shot of whiskey before the trouble starts”.
Finally the bartender asks the man what trouble he’s talking about.
The man says “Give me a beer and I might just tell you”.
The bartender replies, “Sorry, you’ve had your limit for the night”.
The man says “Ohh, now the trouble starts”..
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Read all jokes from: Bar (+1635)
1. “You get this round and the next round is on me.”
I’ll be leaving before the next round.
2. “I’ll get this round and the next one is on you.”
Happy hour is about to end. Beers are now a dollar, but by the next round they’ll be $3.50.
3. “Hey, where is that friend of yours?”
I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.
4. “Can I get a glass of white zinfandel.” (female)
I’m easy.
5. “Can I get a glass of white zinfandel.” (male)
I’m gay.
6. “Ever try a body shot?” (male to female)
I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.
7. “Ever try a body shot?” (female to male)
If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I’ll do to you on the ride home?
8. “I don’t feel well, let’s go home.” (female)
You are paying more attention to your friends than me.
9. I don’t feel well, let’s go home.” (male)
I’m horny.
10. “Who’s got the next round?”
I haven’t bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.
Beer Translations Advanced
11. “Excuse Me.” (male to male)
Get the hell out of the way.
12. “Excuse Me.” (male to female)
I am going to grope you now.
13. “Excuse Me.” (female to male)
Don’t even think about groping me, just get the hell out of the way.
14. “Excuse Me.” (female to female)
Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don’t think for one minute that you are. And get your eyes off of my man, or I’ll slap you like the slut you are.
15. “What do you have on tap?”
What’s cheap?
16. “Can I have a white Russian?” (male)
I’m *really* gay.
17. “Can I have a white Russian?” (female)
I’m *really* easy.
18. “That person looks really familiar.”
Did I sleep with him/her?
19. Can I just get a glass of water?” (female)
I’m annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.
20. I don’t have my ID on me.” (female)
I’m 19.
21. “I don’t have my ID on me.” (male)
I don’t have a license since I got pulled over and blew a 0.4 after my last visit here
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Read all jokes from: Bar (+1635)
Q: Do you know why beer goes through your system so fast?
A: Because it does not have to stop to change color.
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Read all jokes from: Drunk (+137)
A man walked into a bar, sat down, ordered 3 shots of whiskey, drank them, then left. This continued daily for several weeks.
Curious, the bartender asked him one day, “Why do you always order three shots of whiskey?”
The man answered, “Because my two brothers and I always used to have one shot each, and since they’ve both passed on, I’ve continued to order the three shots in their honor.”
The bartender thought that this was a very noble thing to do, and welcomed the man every time he visited the bar.
Two weeks later, the man walked into the bar for his daily visit and ordered two shots of whiskey.
Surprised, the bartender asked him why he only ordered two when had had always been ordering
three.
The man answered, “Oh, I’ve decided to stop drinking.”
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Read all jokes from: Bar (+1635)
A man was waiting for his wife to give birth when the doctor came in and informed the new dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son had only a head! But the dad loved his son anyway, and raised him as well as he could, with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son was old enough for his first drink. Dad took him to the bar and tearfully told the son he was proud of him. Then Dad ordered up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously, and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy took his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooop! A torso popped out of the bottom of the son’s head! The bar was deadly silent; then burst into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begged his son to drink again. The patrons began chanting, “Take another drink!” The bartender stood still, shaking his head in amazement.
Swoooop! Two arms popped out. The bar went wild. The father, crying and wailing, cried for his son to drink again. The patrons continued their chant: “Take another drink!”
But the bartender turned his back at this point, ignoring the whole affair.
By now the boy was getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reached down, grabbed his drink, and guzzled the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs popped out.
By now the bar was in chaos, with the father on his knees, thanking God. The boy stood up on his new legs and stumbled to the left, then to the right, then right through the front door, and into the street, where a truck ran smack into him, killing him instantly.
The bar fell silent. The father began to softly moan in grief. The bartender picked up the boy’s empty glass, and began to clean it, muttering, “That boy should have quit while he was a head.”
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Read all jokes from: Bar (+1635)
Do you get loaded on an hourly basis? Or is ginger ale your idea of a stiff drink? The key to good partying is balance. Staying home and watching TV every night is unquestionably lame, but if you get so sick drinking every night that your days are always wasted, what’s the point? Drinking is great, but too much too often can really be a drag. Keeping control of your consumption can help you lead a happy party life. So, how well do you maintain a good party life and attitude? If you can’t answer this for yourself, take this little quiz.
1. The first thing you do when you get to a party is:
A. Locate all the fire exits
B. Locate all your buddies
C. Locate the women and start right up with the cheesy lines
D. Locate the keg and make up for lost time
2. When the party ends, you can be found:
A. Asleep at home
B. Sober, and driving your loaded friends home
C. Leaving with your arm around the hottest girl there
D. Passed out in your own puke
3. The morning after a party, you can be found:
A. Up early, preparing a delicious, but sensible breakfast
B. Sleeping
C. Hoping to God you didn’t give your name to that girl
D. Doing shots of Southern Comfort to get rid of your headache
4. When you go visit your local liquor store, the clerk most often says:
A. “No new Spiderman’s today, sport!”
B. “What can I do for you?”
C. “Haven’t seen you for the last couple days. Been on vacation?”
D. “You finished all that already? You know, I only get one shipment a day.”
5. When women meet you, they usually remember you for:
A. Your brand new Sears cardigan
B. Your unusual talent in bed
C. You beer gut
D. The funny way you couldn’t stop shaking
6. You look forward to the Super Bowl most of all for:
A. The Michael Jackson Half time show!
B. The game, stupid.
C. Bud Bowl XXXXVCMXCLLLMC!
D. An excuse to drink alone on Sunday
7. The fictional character you most resemble is:
A. Mr. Rogers
B. Ferris Bueller
C. Homer Simpson
D. Norm Peterson
8. When you have a little time alone, you most often:
A. Call up the girls you like and hang up after hearing their voices. Then, call again
B. Savor it
C. Relax with the Bulls and a six pack
D. Try to beat your record time for getting drunk and passing out
9. Your favorite book is:
A. Any of the Hardy Boys mysteries
B. Catcher in the Rye
C. Clockwork Orange
D. What’s a book?
10. The biggest reason you drink is:
A. Milk it does a body good
B. You enjoy the thirst-quenching barley-and-hops goodness of the occasional cold beer
C. When the Bud Girls finally show up, you better have a beer handy
D. Orange juice just tastes funny without vodka
Score Your Answers…
Now, count how many times you picked each letter and find your most common response. If you’re having trouble counting because you’re too drunk, just forget it and go directly to “D”
A. Loosen up, man. Try wearing boxers, eating Jell-O with your fingers or experimenting with the F-word. Anything!
B. All right, cool daddy, you’re doing fine. You control the firewater; it doesn’t control you. Let others tremble in awe-you are in charge of your own destiny.
C. Watch it. You’re beginning to rely on alcohol too much for having a good time. Step back and enjoy life a little more. Booze is supposed to make good times better, not create them all by itself.
D. The nationwide number for Alcoholics Anonymous is 1-800-950-9888. Call it immediately!
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Read all jokes from: Bar (+1635)
As a drunk guy staggers out of the bar one Friday evening, a fire engine races past, siren wailing and lights flashing.
Immediately, the drunk starts chasing the engine, running as fast as he can until eventually he collapses, gasping for breath.
In a last act of desperation he shouts after the fire engine,
“If that’s the way you want it, you can keep your bloody ice creams!”
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Read all jokes from: Bar (+1635)
A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch.
The bartender pours him the drink and the guy downs it in one gulp. “Wow”, says the bartender, “Something bad must have happened”.
Yeah it did, he said. “I came home early today, went up to the bedroom, and found my wife having sex with my best friend.”
The bartender pours the guy another triple shot. “This one’s on the house”. The dude gulps it down once again. The bartender asks “Did you say anything to your wife ?
” The guy answers “Yea, I walked up to her, told her to pack her bag’s and get out !”
“What about your friend ?” asks the bartender. “I looked him straight in the eye and said BAD DOG”
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