Read all jokes from: Bar (+1637)
A good samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk “do you live here?” “Yep”. “Would you like me to help you upstairs?” “Yep”. When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked “Is this your floor?” “Yep”.
Then the good samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn’t want to face the man’s irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs. However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk “Do you live here?” “Yep”. “Would you like me to help you upstairs?” “Yep”. So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk. Then went back downstairs.
Where, to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried “Please officer, protect me from this man.
He’s been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!”
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Read all jokes from: Bar (+1637)
When things in your life seem almost to much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar……..and the beer.
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large, empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.
So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous “yes.”
The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.
“Now,” said the professor, as the laughter subsided, “I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things- -your family, your children, your health, your friends, your favorite passions-things that, if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
“The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else-the small stuff”.
“If you put the sand into the jar first,” he continued, “there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house, and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.”
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented. The professor smiled. “I’m glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of beers.”
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Read all jokes from: Bar (+1637)
* Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
* You fall off the floor.
* You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
* You have to hold on to the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
* Job interfering with your drinking.
* Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
* The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
* Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
* 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case-coincidence? You think not!
* You can focus better with one eye closed.
* The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
* Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
* Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
* Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
* You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed … hmmm?
* Roseanne looks good.
* That damned pink elephant followed you home again.
* Every night you’re beginning to find your roommate’s cat more and more attractive.
* You think the four basic food groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and the opposite sex.
* Don’t recognize your wife unless seen through the bottom of a glass.
* The shrubbery’s drunk from too frequent watering.
* You wake up screaming, “TORO TORO TORO!”, in the middle of the night.
* Two hands and just one mouth…now THAT’S a drinking problem!
* You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping – with your Oldsmobile.
* Friends armed with fire extinguishers stood at a safe distance as you blew out your birthday candles.
* Thanks to you, Jack Daniel’s stock is up 15 1/4 since Friday.
* Boris Yeltsin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Vodka.
* For some reason, there’s salt on the rim of you basketball goal.
* Your name is Otis and Sheriff Andy has brought you some of Aunt Bea’s pancakes.
* For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you could’ve bought the car.
* You’re now the proud inventor of the “Slim Jim”: Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam.
* Absolute wants to run an add featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle.
* Yet again, dry cleaner employees greet you with, “Hey, it’s Vomit Man!”
* The doorman asks for you I.D. just to see how long it’ll take you to find your pants.
* Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal cavity into a pan of frying onions.
* Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat.
* You’re now sober enough to realize “Drink Canada Dry” is a slogan and not a personal challenge.
* You are lying in bed and it feels like you’re on a merry-go-round.
* You sound like you’re speaking a different language and get irritated when others don’t understand you.
* You walk up to a real big dude and ask, “Is it true big guys have real small peckers?”
* You fart and then feel a lump in your back pocket.
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Read all jokes from: Bar (+1637)
Two donkeys walk into a bar and the first donkey says to the bartender “I’ll have a pint of Bud please”
and the second donkey says “hee haw, hee haw, he always orders that”
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Read all jokes from: Bar (+1637)
These two strings walk up to a bar. The first string walks in and orders and the bartender throws him out and yells “I don’t serve strings in this bar…”
The other string ruffs himself up on the street and curls up and orders… The bartender shouts, “Hey, didn’t you hear what I told your buddy?”
String says “Yeah.”
Bartender says, “aren’t you a string?”
String says, “No, I’m a frayed knot…”
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Read all jokes from: Bar (+1637)
It’s time once again to review the winners of the Annual “Stella Awards.” The Stella Awards are named after 81 year-old Stella Liebeck of New Mexico who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald’s. That case inspired the Stella awards for the most frivolous, ridiculous, successful lawsuits in the United States.
Here are this year’s winners:
7th Place:
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson’s son.
6th Place:
19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn’t notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor’s hubcaps.
5th Place:
Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn’t re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner’s insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.
4th Place:
Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor’s beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner’s fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams, who had climbed over the fence into the yard and was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.
3rd Place:
A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
2nd Place:
Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms.Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.
1st Place:
This year’s runaway winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mrs. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, (from an OU football game), having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back & make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mrs.Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising her in the owner’s manual that she couldn’t actually do this. The jury awarded her $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons around.
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Read all jokes from: Bar (+1637)
A man was sitting in the bar when he noticed another patron a few stools away. The guy had a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger, but his head was the size of a grapefruit.
The first man said “Excuse me for staring, but I cant help but be curious as to why your body is so well developed, but your head is so small?”
The man said “buy me a drink and I’ll tell you.” The drink was ordered and the story began.
I was in the navy and my ship was sunk by a torpedo. I was the only survivor and I managed to swim to a deserted island a few miles away. I had been there for several months and was walking on the beach one day looking for food and when I looked up I saw a beautiful mermaid sunning on a nearby rock.
She swam over to me and told me that she was a magical mermaid and could grant me three wishes.
That’s great I said. I’d like to be rescued. She slapped the water with her tail and a ship appeared, sailing straight for my island.
Next I asked for a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Another slap of the tail and I was built like a Stallion.
Then, noticing how beautiful she was and only one wish left, I asked if I could make love to her. She said no it just wouldn’t work her being half fish and all, so I said, “well, how about a little head then?”
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Read all jokes from: Bar (+1637)
A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says “You can’t bring that dog in here!”
The guy, without missing a beat, says “This is my guide dog.”
“Oh man,” the bartender says, “I’m sorry, here, the first one’s on me.” The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.
Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says “You can’t bring that dog in here unless you tell him it’s a guide dog.” The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar where he asks for a drink.
The bartender says “Hey, you can’t bring that dog in here!”
The second man replies “This is my guide dog.”
The bartender says, “No, I don’t think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as guide dogs.”
The man pauses for a half-second and replies “What? They gave me a Chihuahua?”
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Read all jokes from: Animals (+5201), Bar (+1637), Sex (+4816)
A guy walks into a bar with a crocodile.
The barman goes, “You can’t bring that animal in here!”
But the guy goes, “Hey, he does tricks. Watch!”
He taps on the crocodile’s head, and the beast opens its mouth. The guy unzips his pants, whips out his vulnerable member, and
puts it in the crocodile’s mouth. Then he taps on the crocodile’s head again, and the beast closes its mouth. Everyone in the
bar is aghast. The guy gets his penis out, and he goes, “I’ll give 100 bucks to anyone who can do that.”
Everyone is really, really quiet. Suddenly, a drunk shouts, “I… I think I can do that. But I don’t think I can leave my mouth
open that long!”
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Read all jokes from: Bar (+1637)
A guy wakes up in the morning. He has a massive hangover and can’t remember anything he did last night. He picks up his robe from the floor and puts it on. He notices there’s something in one of the pockets and it turns out to be a bra. He thinks, “Hell, what happened last night?”
He walks towards the bathroom and finds a panty in the other pocket of his robe. Again he thinks, “What happened last night, what have I done? Must have been a wild party.”
He opens the bathroom door, walks in and has a look in the mirror. He notices a little string hanging out of his mouth and his only thought is, “If there’s a god, please let this be a teabag!”
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