Read all jokes from: Drunk (+137)
There’s a big conference of beer producers in the most beautiful town in the world: Amsterdam, the Netherlands.
At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar.
The president of ‘Budweiser’ orders a Bud, the president of ‘Miller’ orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on.
Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody’s amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!
“Why don’t you order a Guinness?” his colleagues ask.
“Naah. If you guys won’t drink beer, then neither will I.”
15 views |
|
|
 Processing your request, Please wait....
|
Read all jokes from: Drunk (+137)
A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a fairground rifle range booth and threw down the necessary money. The booth operator at first refused to let him have a turn, considering that his inebriated state would endanger the public. But the drunk insisted and was given a gun.
He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target, and after tying to focus, pulled the trigger three times.
The booth owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he had scored three bullseyes. The star prize for the evening was a large set of glassware, but the showman was certain that the drunk wasn’t aware of what he had done, and gave him instead a consolation prize, a small, live turtle.
The drunk wandered off into the crowd. An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than before. Once again the showman demurred, but once again the drunk insisted, and once more scored three bullseyes and was given another turtle.
Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third attempt. Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in the general direction of the target, and pulled the trigger three times. Once more he had scored three bullseyes. But this time there was an onlooker with good eyesight. “That’s fantastic”, the man said. “Hasn’t he scored three bulls?”
The showman, cursing his luck, made a show of going over to the target and inspecting it closely. “Yes, sir!” he announced to the crowd. “Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this magnificent 68-piece set of glassware!”
“I don’t want any stinking glasses,” the drunk replied. “Give me another one of those little crusty meat pies!”
13 views |
|
|
Processing your request, Please wait....
|
Read all jokes from: Drunk (+137), Technology (+1819)
A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers like there’s a telephone in his hand, then puts his palm up against his cheek and begins talking.
Suspicious, the bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn’t need any trouble here.
The guy replies, “You don’t understand. I’m very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular.”
The bartender says “Prove it.”
The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. “That’s incredible!” says the bartender. “I would never have believed it!”
“Yeah”, said the guy, “I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men’s room?”
The bartender directs him to the men’s room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn’t return. Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men’s room to check on the guy.
The guy is spread-eagle up against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt.
“Oh my god!” said the bartender. “Did they rob you? Are you hurt?”
The guy turns and says, “No, no, I’m okay. I’m just waiting for a fax.”
15 views |
|
|
Processing your request, Please wait....
|
Read all jokes from: Drunk (+137), Marriage (+787), Men (+300)
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, “You know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!”
His buddy looks at him and says, “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife’s butt and say, ‘Hey honey, wanna fool around?’ … and she’s always sound asleep.”
19 views |
|
|
Processing your request, Please wait....
|
Read all jokes from: Drunk (+137)
A drunk guy is driving the wrong way on a one-way street and a cop stops him.
The cop goes to the guy and says “Hey didn’t you see the arrows??”
The drunk guy replies ” I didn’t even see the Indians!”
15 views |
|
|
Processing your request, Please wait....
|
Read all jokes from: Drunk (+137)
Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait.
Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm.
Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat and went about his fishing.
An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms.
16 views |
|
|
Processing your request, Please wait....
|
Read all jokes from: Drunk (+137)
A very drunk man in a bar tells the bartender and everyone that is sitting near him that he can fart out the tune to “The Star Spangelled Banner”!
Everyone who hears this wants to see him do it.
So he tells everyone to gather around him, then he climbs up on the bar, drops his trousers and proceeds to take a massive dump on the bar counter.
After he finishes the disgusted bartender says “Why in the hell did you shit on my
bar?”
The drunk replies “Even Elvis had to clear his throat!”
185 views |
|
|
Processing your request, Please wait....
|
Read all jokes from: Drunk (+137), Technology (+1819)
99 little bugs in the code,
99 bugs in the code,
Fix one bug, compile it again,
98 little bugs in the code.
98 bugs in the code . . .
(Repeat until bugs = 0)
12 views |
|
|
Processing your request, Please wait....
|
Read all jokes from: Drunk (+137), Marriage (+787), Men (+300)
A fellow’s wife was very worried about her husband’s heavy drinking and one night she decided to give him a fright. She draped herself in a white sheet and went down to the local cemetery, knowing that her husband was in the habit of taking a shortcut through it on his way home from the pub. It was not long before he came staggering along, and out she jumped from behind a headstone. “Ooooooo!” she wailed, “I am the Devil!”
He sticks out his hand… “Put it there, pal,” he says, “I am married to your sister.”
24 views |
|
|
Processing your request, Please wait....
|
Read all jokes from: Drunk (+137)
I had 12 bottles of whiskey in my cellar but I got into an argument with my wife and lost. She instructed me to empty each and every bottle down the drain, so I proceeded with the task.
I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I extracted the corks from the second and third bottles and did likewise, with the exception of one glass from each, which I drank.
I then pulled the cork from the fourth sink, poured the bottles down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next, and drank one sink out of it and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the glass and poured the cork from the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.
When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the bottles, corks, glasses and sinks with the other, which were 29 and put the house in the bottle, which I drank.
I’m not under the affluence of incahol, but thinkle peep I am. I’m not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don’t know who is me, and the drunker I stand here the longer I get!!!
44 views |
|
|
Processing your request, Please wait....
|
|
