Read all jokes from: Bar (+1638)
A man comes to a bar and yells: “QUICK! Give me a glass of beer! Before IT gets started!”
A bartender goes: “What started?! What are you talking about?!”
“No questions. Just give me the beer, faster!”
He drinks the beer and screams again: “One more, hurry up! Before it gets started!”
“What started?!”
“Nevermind! Give me my beer!”
He drinks the second glass and continues: “Third glass! Faster! Before it gets started! Do it!”
Finally, the bartender asks: “Hey, pal. Are you gonna pay?!”
And the man goes: “Damn! It’s started…”
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Read all jokes from: Drunk (+137)
I had 12 bottles of whiskey in my cellar but I got into an argument with my wife and lost. She instructed me to empty each and every bottle down the drain, so I proceeded with the task.
I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I extracted the corks from the second and third bottles and did likewise, with the exception of one glass from each, which I drank.
I then pulled the cork from the fourth sink, poured the bottles down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next, and drank one sink out of it and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the glass and poured the cork from the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.
When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the bottles, corks, glasses and sinks with the other, which were 29 and put the house in the bottle, which I drank.
I’m not under the affluence of incahol, but thinkle peep I am. I’m not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don’t know who is me, and the drunker I stand here the longer I get!!!
33 views |
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Read all jokes from: Bar (+1638)
The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked, “What do you have in there, pal?”
“A mongoose.”
“What for?”
“Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and I’m scared to death of snakes. That’s why I got this mongoose, for protection.”
“But,” the friend said, “you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes.”
“That’s okay,” said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box, “So is the mongoose.”
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Read all jokes from: Bar (+1638)
The bar was getting ready to close, so he asked the nearest woman: “What would you say to a little “oral” activity?”
“That all depends,” she quickly responded. “Your face, or mine?”
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Read all jokes from: Bar (+1638)
* It’s an incentive to show up.
* It reduces stress.
* Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as “gross.”
* It leads to more honest communications.
* It reduces complaints about low pay.
* It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
* Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
* It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
* It encourages carpooling.
* Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don’t care.
* It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
* It makes fellow employees look better.
* It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
* Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
* Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
* Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn’t so embarrassing.
* Employees work later since there’s no longer a need to relax at the bar.
* It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
* Everyone agrees the work is better after they’ve had a couple of drinks.
* Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
* Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked. (?)
* It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union.
* The janitor’s closet will finally have a use.
* Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
* Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language.
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Read all jokes from: Bar (+1638)
A snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says, “I’m sorry but I can’t serve you.”
“Why not?” asks the snake.
The bartender says, “Because you can’t hold your beer…”
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Read all jokes from: Bar (+1638)
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.
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Read all jokes from: Animals (+5196), Bar (+1638), Sex (+4816)
A man goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says “I’ll bet $50 that no one here has a musical instrument that this octopus
CAN’T play”
The people in the bar look around, and someone fetches out an old guitar. The octopus has a look,picks it up, tunes the string,
and starts playing the guitar.The octopus’ owner pockets the $50 Next, a guy comes up with a trumpet. The octopus takes the horn,
loosens up the keys, licks it’s lips and starts playing a jazz solo. The guy pockets yet another $50. The bar owner has been
watching all of this and disappears to the back. He comes back a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm.
He puts them on the bar and says to the guy and his octopus, “Now, if your octopus can play THAT, I’ll give you $100.”
The octopus takes a long hard look at the bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over, has yet another look from a different angle.
Puzzled, the octopus’ owner comes over and says “What are you waitin for? Hurry up and play that damn thing!”
The octopus says, “Play it? Hell if I can work out how to get it’s pajamas off, I’m gonna screw it!”
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Read all jokes from: Bar (+1638)
A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some negotiations, they settled on a figure of $10,000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, “Your duck is a rip off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn’t dance a single step!”
“So?” asked the ducks former owner, “did you remember to light the candle under the pot?”
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Read all jokes from: Bar (+1638)
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, “It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.”
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