Q: Diner: I can’t eat this chicken. Call the manager.
A: Waiter: It’s no use. He can’t eat it either.
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Read all jokes from:Animals (+5201)
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Read all jokes from:Animals (+5201)
A blind man is standing at the corner with his seeing eye dog waiting to cross the street, when his pooch lifts his leg and pisses
down the side of his nice herringbone tweed trousers. The guy immediately reaches into his jacket pocket and retrieves a doggie
biscuit which he starts to offer to Fido.
A businessman, who is also waiting to cross the street, observes this happening and interrupts, “Excuse me buddy, but are you
aware of the fact that your dog just pissed all down the leg of your pants?”
“Yes, I’m trying to break him of this dreadful habit”, replies the blind man.
“Well, it’s none of my business,” says the onlooker, “but you’re not going to teach him much by rewarding him with a biscuit!”
To which the blind fellow chuckles, “Oh I’m not rewarding him. I’m just trying to find his head so I can kick his ass!”
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Read all jokes from:Animals (+5201)
(to the tune of “Jingle Bells”)
Dashing through the park
With our noses to the ground
Walking on our ears
Pretending to be hounds
Not using our eyes
We navigate by smell
If its over an inch high
Then, it’s got a tale to tell
Oh, Doggie smells
Doggie smells
Outside of our home
Oh we love those doggie smells
When on the leash we roam
Doggie smells
Doggie smells
Marking every tree
All our other doggie friends
Have stopped right here to pee!
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Read all jokes from:Animals (+5201)
After hearing a shot, Hank ran next door and found his friend Tony crying. “Say, what’s wrong?” Hank asked.
Tony sobbed, “I had to shoot my dog.”
Hank said, “My God! Was he mad?”
Tony replied, “Well, he wasn’t exactly overjoyed.”
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Read all jokes from:Animals (+5201)
Two sheepherders are perfoming unnatural acts with two of their herd simultaneously. One turns to the other, disgustedly, and says,
“I hear they’re doing this to women in Chicago!”
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Read all jokes from:Animals (+5201)
Q: Why do hens lay eggs?
A: If they dropped them, they’d break.
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Read all jokes from:Dog (+335), Rabbit (+29)
As you may know, the Albuquerque housing market is becoming as tight as the one in Denver. My friend Chuck, after searching for months, found the perfect place. Family neighborhood, garden/lawn, etc. The problem was, he has a dog, and the landlord specified “No dogs.”
Rather than go on searching, he decided to go stealth, and not tell the landlord about his dog (a golden retriever). All went well for months. Except for one thing: the family that lived downstairs had a rabbit that they kept in a cage in the garden area. One day, the father of the family walked into the garden to find the dog scratching at the cage, trying to get at the rabbit.
He immediately went to the landlord and complained. The landlord threatened to kick Chuck out. But Chuck, being quite persuasive and punctual with rent checks convinced the landlord to keep him and his dog. On the condition that that Chuck keep his dog out of the garden area. Months went by with no incidence. However, his girlfriend stayed home sick at his place one day. She, not knowing the garden rule, let the dog out.
Chuck came home and, to his dismay, found that the dog wasn’t in the house. He opened the back door, and there at the steps was his dog. Dead rabbit in mouth. Needless to say, Chuck panicked. Not wanting to face certain eviction(and possible jail time), he took matters into his own hands. He bathed the dead rabbit, blow-dried its hair (OK he was desperate) and carefully placed the rabbit back in the cage.
Natural causes, right? Nothing happened.
After an excruciating week, he finally approached his neighbor one morning on the way to work.
“How is everything?” asked Chuck.
“We’re moving” replied the man. “This is a sick neighborhood.”
“Why? What happened?” replied Chuck.
The neighbor replied: “Some sick bastard dug up our recently deceased rabbit, washed it, combed its hair, and put it back in its cage.”
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Read all jokes from:Animals (+5201)
It was spring in the old west.
The cowboys rode the still snow choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter.
As one cowboy’s horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six- gun to shoot the snake.
“Hold on there, partner,” said the snake, “don’t shoot- I’m an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don’t shoot me, I’ll give you any three wishes you want.”
The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake’s striking range. He said, “OK, first, I’d like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I’d like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I’d like sexual equipment like this here horse I’m riding.”
The rattlesnake said, “All right, when you get back to the bunk house you’ll have all three wishes.”
The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror.
Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable.
He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted…
“Oh My God… I was riding the MARE!
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Read all jokes from:Dog (+335)
Patient: “Doctor! I keep thinking I’m a sled dog!”
Doctor: “How long has this been going on?”
Patient: “Even since I was a pup.”
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Read all jokes from:Animals (+5201)
Two sheepherders are perfoming unnatural acts with two of their
herd simultaneously. One turns to the other, disgustedly, and says,
“I hear they’re doing this to women in Chicago!”
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