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Animals (+5201)
Protecting Yourself
In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fishing and Gaming is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field. The department has posted the following notice:
We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle any bears.
We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity.
Outdoors men should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear feces. Black bear feces is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear feces has little bells in it and smells like pepper.
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Animals (+5201)
A man rented a camel to make a trip to an important customer out in the desert. There was only one camel available, and it had one little problem, the guy told him. Periodically, this camel would stop and refuse to move until somebody beat it off.
The man is desperate, so he decides he will go along with that.
He sets off into the desert. Sure as hell, he has to beat off the camel every day for the first three days. On the fourth day, the camel stops again and refuses to move, so the guy gets down and prepares to do his duty, but the camel quickly steps aside. He tries again, and again.
Finally in exasperation he walks in front of the camel and says “For Christ’s sake, what do you want now?”
The camel puckers up and makes little sucking noises.
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Animals (+5201)
1. If I like it, it’s mine.
2. If its in my mouth, it’s mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it’s mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it’s mine.
5. If I’m chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
6. If its mine, it must never appear to be yours anyway.
7. If it just looks like mine, its mine.
8. If I saw it first, its mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If its broken, its yours.
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Cat (+694)
A bachelor who lived at home with his mother and pet cat went on a trip to Europe. Before he left he told his best friend to inform him of any emergencies.
A few days after his departure, his cat climbed up on the roof, fell off and was killed. His friend immediately wired him with the message: “Your cat died!”
In a few hours he was back home, having cut short his trip in grief and anger at his friend, whom he told “Why didn’t you break the news to me gradually? You know how close I was to my cat! You could have sent a message ‘Your cat climbed up on the roof today’, and the next day you could’ve written, ‘Your cat fell off the roof’ and let me down slowly that he died.”
After a quick memorial service, the bachelor left again to continue his trip. A few days later he returned to his hotel and there was a message waiting for him from his friend. It read, “Your mother climbed up on the roof today.”
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Animals (+5201)
Bill’s all excited about his new rifle. So, he goes bear hunting in Alaska. The first bear he sees is a little brown bear, and he kills it with his first shot. There is a tap on his shoulder, and he turns around to see a big black bear. The black bear says, “You’ve got two choices. One, I maul you to death or two, we have sex.” Bill bends over for the bear. He’s sore for 2 days, but he recovers and vows revenge.
Bill heads out on another trip to Alaska and he finds the black bear and kills him. At that moment there is a tap on his shoulder. A huge grizzly is standing right behind him. The grizzly says, “That was a big mistake. You’ve got 2 choices, “Either I maul you to death or we have sex.”
Bill bends over. He survives, but he’s really hurting and takes quite a bit of time to recover, and, he’s outraged!
Sure enough, he heads back to Alaska and finds the grizzly and shoots him at point blank range. There’s a tap on his shoulder. He turns around to find an enormous polar bear, and the polar bear says, “You don’t really come here for the hunting, do you?”
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Animals (+5201)
There are these two ducks hanging around beside a lake, a lady duck and a gentleman duck, and it’s the mating season. The man duck starts prodding her with his beak and she says, “Here, what do you think you’re doing? Haven’t you any subtlety?”
He says, “Oh, don’t you want to, then?”
She says, “Well, not here, there’s people watching. Let’s go to a hotel for the afternoon, like everyone else.”
He says, “Where’s a hotel, then?”
She says, “There’s one there on the other side of the lake. Don’t you know anything?”
So they fly across the lake and plod into the hotel and she says, “Go on, ask him for a room.”
So the man duck says to the receptionist, “Quack! We want a room for the afternoon, please. We’re on our honeymoon.”
The receptionist says, “Certainly sir; room 22, here’s your key.
So the ducks get in the lift and go up to the second floor and let themselves into their room. No sooner have they got in there than he starts prodding her with his beak again and after a while she says, “Hang on a minute. You got an protection?”
“What?” he says.
“Protection! I’m not going to do it without any protection.”
“Oh. Well, er, where are we going to get it?”
“Haven’t you had any education?” she says. “Ring room service and ask them to send one up.”
“How do I ring room service?”
“Dial 0 and ask for room service!”
So he knocks the receiver off the hook, prods the 0 on the phone with his beak and asks for room service, and when they answer, he says, “Quack! I’d like a pot of tea for two; some scones; a couple of slices of cake; the evening paper; and, er, some protection.”
“Certainly sir,” says room service. “That’ll be with you in 10 minutes.”
So the ducks hang around for a few minutes looking out at the lake, and then there’s a knock and the lackey comes in with the tray. He puts the tray down on the table, fishes something out of his pocket and says, “There’s your tea, sir, and here’s your protection. Shall I put it on your bill?”
“Certainly not,” says the duck. “What do you think I am, a pervert?”
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Dog (+335)
(to the tune of “Let it Snow”)
Oh the snow in the yard is yellow
Thanks to our doggie fellow
But the droppings sink way down low
Let it snow. Let it snow. Let it snow!
So the scooper sits rusting outside
As we wait for Spring and “low tide”
The piles will wait down below
Let it snow. Let it snow. Let it snow!
In the warmth of the summer sun
We must scoop every day in the yard
But as soon as the winter comes
Finding the stuff gets quite hard
While the piles sit there fertilizing
Our backs aren’t exercising
Our rest is short, this we know
(please)
Let it snow. Let it snow. Let it snow!
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Elephant (+69),
Hunting (+66),
Medical (+1843)
This man goes into the doctor with his ringhole in a terrible state, really bad now.
Doctor: “What happened to you?”
He says: “I was in Africa on safari and I got raped by an elephant!”
Doctor: “But I don’t understand. Elephant penises are very narrow and couldn’t cause that much damage!”
He says “Aah but you see doctor, he fingered me first!”
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