Read all jokes from: Cat (+695)
* Cats purr. Dogs drool.
* Cats use a litter box. Dogs use your leg.
* In 1996, over 10,000 US deaths were attributed to a dog owner’s choking on saliva during morning wake-up licks.
* Cats always land on their feet. Dogs just won’t let you throw them.
* Cats let you kick them when you’re stressed out.
* Cats will wait until you’ve read your morning paper before tearing it to shreds.
* Cats look cute sleeping on the t.v. Dogs just crash right in front of the screen.
* Fewer cat owners suffer from ‘Flappy Tail’ lacerations than dog owners.
* No one has ever had to “Beware of the Cat”.
* Cats bury their poop. Dogs dig up others’.
* Cats have better things to do than stick their nose in your crotch.
* Why do you think they call it, “Dog Breath?”
* Garfield. Odie. Enough said.
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Read all jokes from: Animals (+5198)
If you’re a bear
If you’re a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.
Before you hibernate, you’re supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.
If you’re a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.
If you’re a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.
I wanna be a bear.
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Read all jokes from: Elephant (+69), Sex (+4815)
An elephant walks up to a naked guy and says, “How do you breathe out of that thing?”
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Read all jokes from: Animals (+5198)
Q: Why did the Iraqi chicken cross the road?
A: To take over the other side.
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Read all jokes from: Animals (+5198)
A guy walks into a bar with a crocodile. The barman goes, “You can’t bring that animal in here!” But the guy goes, “Hey, he does tricks. Watch!” He taps on the crocodile’s head, and the beast opens its mouth. The guy unzips his pants, whips out his vulnerable member, and puts it in the crocodile’s mouth. Then he taps on the crocodile’s head again, and the beast closes its mouth. Everyone in the bar is aghast. The guy gets his penis out, and he goes, “I’ll give 100 bucks to anyone who can do that.” Everyone is really, really quiet. Suddenly, a drunk shouts, “I… I think I can do that. But I don’t think I can leave my mouth open that long!”
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Read all jokes from: Animals (+5198)
Q: What did the detective in the Arctic say to the suspect?
A: “Where were you on the night of September to March?”
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Read all jokes from: Animals (+5198)
Q: What did the frog order at McDonald’s?
A: French flies and a diet Croak.
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Read all jokes from: Animals (+5198)
There is this old rooster on a farm. One day the farmer said that he needs a younger rooster. So he buys one. He brings it
back to the farm.
The old rooster says, “I bet I can race you around the barn 3 times and win”.
Then the younger rooster says “your on”.
Then when they start the race, the old rooster jumps ahead, the younger rooster is right behind him. One lap, two laps, 2 and a
half laps then BANG the young rooster is blown to smithereenes!
The farmer was on his porch with his shot gun. Then the farmer says, “Thats the 2nd fuckin GAY rooster i have had this week.”
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Read all jokes from: Animals (+5198)
Tired of boring old dog name like Ruff, Spot, Lassie, etc?
The next time you get a dog, name it: Mypenis
Why, you ask? Well just look at some of the great excuses you can use for school, work, and general conversation!
-I did do my homework but Mypenis ate it!
-Oh no, Mypenis is frothing at the mouth!
-Sorry I’m late. I was playing with Mypenis.
-I’m sorry officer, I didn’t realize I had to keep Mypenis on a leash.
-Mypenis doesn’t come when I call it.
-Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests.
-If Mypenis begs at the dinner table, I just tell it to LAY DOWN!
-I love giving Mypenis a bath, but Mypenis doesn’t like cold water.
-At night, I like to snuggle with Mypenis.
-Mypenis likes it when people pet him.
-Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds!
-Playing with Mypenis really wears me out.
-Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis?
-Sometimes I wake up, and Mypenis is already active.
-I think Mypenis has a mind of its own.
-I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet.
-Whenever I get lost, Mypenis points me in the right direction.
-I think Mypenis is getting old because he won’t get excited anymore. He just plays dead.
-Mypenis got out last night. I think he’s sleeping with the lady next door.
-HELP! Mypenis is lost…can you help me find him?
-Sorry to be driving slow officer, but I was looking for Mypenis.
-Sorry to be driving so fast, officer. I have to take Mypenis to the hospital.
-Mypenis got fleas from the neighbors dog.
-Anytime Mypenis gets too excited, I just scratch him behind the head.
-Please do not feed Mypenis table scraps!
-Do you think you could feed Mypenis while I’m on vacation?
-I have a cat that plays very well with Mypenis.
-When I take Mypenis for a ride in the car, I roll down the window so it can hang it’s head out.
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Read all jokes from: Animals (+5198)
A little boy squirrel and a little girl squirrel were chattering and
playing around when up comes a fox. The girl squirrel dashed up a tree,
but the boy squirrel stayed on the ground. “That’s strange,” said the fox.
“Usually squirrels are afraid of me and run to the nearest tree.” “Listen,
bud,” replied the boy squirrel. “Did you ever try to climb a tree when you
were in love?”
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