Read all jokes from: Animals (+5201)
This is what should happen to ALL CATS..!
HOW TO WASH THE CAT
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water and have both lids up.
3. Find the cat and soothe him while you carry him toward the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. (You may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape.) The cat will self- agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
CAUTION:
Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his claws will be reaching out for anything they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a Power “Wash” and “Rinse”, which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now- clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
Sincerely,
THE DOG
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Read all jokes from: Animals (+5201)
There’s a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, ‘Let’s go over to that restaurant and get something to eat.’
The guy with the Chihuahua says, ‘We can’t go in there. We’ve got dogs with us.’
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, ‘Just follow my lead.’
They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, ‘Sorry, mac, no pets allowed.’
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, ‘You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.’
The guy at the door says, ‘A Doberman Pinscher?’ He says, ‘Yes, they’re using them now, they’re very good.’
The guy at the door says, ‘Come on in.’
The guy with the Chihuahua figures, ‘What the hell,’ so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
The guy at the door says, ‘Sorry, pal, no pets allowed.’
The guy with the Chihuahua says, ‘You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.’
The guy at the door says, ‘A Chihuahua?’
The guy with the Chihuahua says, ‘You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?’
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Read all jokes from: Bear (+406)
Q: What has four legs and a flipper?
A: A happy polar bear!
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Read all jokes from: Animals (+5201)
An English explorer was taking part in an expedition to the Himalayas. Led by a grizzled local guide, they ascended one of the less frequently climbed peaks. Roughly half way up the side of the mountain, one of the expedition came across a set of large manlike tracks in the snow.
“Yeti tracks,” the guide said with a gruff voice as he passed them. “One thing you must know before we proceed; do NOT, under any circumstances, touch the yeti.”
The expedition heeded his warning and continued to climb the slope, night fell and the explorers set up their tents. In the dead of night the Englishman awoke to the sound of his tent entrance unzipping. Half asleep he looked up to see an enormous eight foot yeti standing above him. In fear for his life the explorer jumped up and ran out of the tent, banging into the yeti in the process. The yeti, after being touched by the explorer let out a deafening howl and began to chase the explorer down the slope.
The explorer ran away from the camp as quickly as his legs could take him, after he rounded a corner he looked behind him to see the bounding form of the yeti still chasing him.
So the explorer continued to run, reaching the bottom of the mountain in just two days, exhausted he paused to rest awhile. After just a few Moments, the explorer began to hear the soft ‘thud thud thud’ of yeti feet on snow, he looked up the slope to see the yeti still chasing him and only Moments away.
The explorer took off again, reaching a supply shack a couple of miles away, once there quickly buying a mountain bike and pedaling his way to the nearest town, some fifty miles away. The journey took him several days over the rough terrain and after his arrival he booked into a hotel to recuperate.
Two days later the man left his hotel to see about booking transport back to England. As soon as he turned around though he saw the form of the yeti on the horizon, bounding towards him at great speed. Mortified by this sight, the explorer hurriedly bought a car and drove it away from the village all the way to Delhi. Once he arrived, the man wasted no time in getting on the next plane to London.
After his arrival back in London, the man went back to his London home for a while to recover and to plan his next expedition. He had been there less than two weeks and was gazing out of a window when he saw a familiar large bounding, manlike creature running down his street; the man couldn’t believe it, somehow the yeti had followed him to England!
The man had little choice but to run away again, he used any means he could, bike, car, or on foot to try to escape the yeti, but each time he looked behind him, it was just Moments before the yeti came into view.
Eventually the man made it all the way to Edinburgh and from there ran into the open Scottish countryside. He continued to run but the yeti just kept getting closer and closer, and in the end the man could run no more.
With the yeti less than a minute away from him, the man finally stopped and turned around to face the oncoming creature. With the last of his strength he stood up straight as the yeti caught up with him. The eight foot tall yeti towered above the man who could only stare in terror. The yeti extended his hand and poked the Englishman squarely in the chest with one long finger and with a low rumbling voice the yeti began to speak:
“Tag! You’re it!”
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Read all jokes from: Rabbit (+29)
Years ago while lying in my hammock and drinking JD from the bottle I noticed my dog dragging something under the fence. Upon inspection, to my dismay, I realized it was the next door neighbor’s 10 year old daughter’s rabbit.
For years I had watch her come home from school and head straight out to it’s cage, free it and play with it in the yard. I knew today would be no different and fearing for our dog, I had to think fast.
The rabbit was quite dirty, as if it had put up quite a struggle, so I washed it off with the hose, combed it with the Dog brush and blew it dry with the leaf blower. Upon finishing it’s grooming I hopped the fence and replaced back in it’s cage hoping it’s death would be written off as “natural causes.” Back to the hammock and my JD.
Within the hour the neighbor’s Volvo pulled in as usual and out popped the little girl, and as usual she headed straight for the cage. Only this time she stopped about six feet away and screamed: “DDDAAAADDDDDDDYYYYYYY!!!!”
Her father, panic stricken, stood looking at the cage. Being the good neighbor that I am I rushed to fence and asked if there was anything I could do.
Her father less than calmly blurted, “What kind of sick individual would dig up a little girl’s dead rabbit and put it back in it’s cage?”
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Read all jokes from: Bear (+406)
Q: Why was the little bear so spoiled?
A: Because its mother panda’d to its every whim!
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Read all jokes from: Pig (+24)
There were three little pigs that went to a restaurant for dinner. The waiter came to the table and asked if they would like something to drink.
The first piggy said, “I would like a Dr. Pepper.”
The second piggy said, “I would like a glass of tea,”
The third piggy said, “I would like a glass of water.”
When the waiter brought the drinks, he asked if they were ready to order.
The first piggy said, would like a Hamburger.”
The second piggy said, “I would like a Steak.”
The third piggy said, “I would like a glass of water.”
When the piggies were finished eating, the waiter asked if they would like some dessert.
The first piggy said, “I would like a hot fudge sundae.”
The second piggy said, “I would like a banana split.”
The third piggy said, “I would like a glass of water.”
When the piggies were finished with dessert, the waiter brought their check. Before he left the table, he asked the third little piggy why he only ordered water.
The third piggy said, “Well, someone has to go ‘Wee wee all the way home.’”
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Read all jokes from: Animals (+5201)
A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a fairground rifle range booth and threw down the necessary money. The booth operator at first refused to let him have a turn, considering that his inebriated state would endanger the public. But the drunk insisted and was given a gun.
He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and after tying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he had scored three bullseyes. The star prize for the evening was a large set of glassware, but the showman was certain that the drunk wasn’t aware of what he had done, and gave him instead a consolation prize, a small, live turtle. The drunk wandered off into the crowd.
An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than before. Once again the showman demurred, but once again the drunk insisted, and once more scored three bullseyes and was given another turtle.
Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third attempt. Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in the general direction of the target, and pulled the trigger three times. Once more he had scored three bullseyes. But this time there was an onlooker with good eyesight.”That’s fantastic”, the man said. “Hasn’t he scored three bulls?”
The showman, cursing his luck, made a show of going over to the target and inspecting it closely.
“Yes, sir!”, he announced to the crowd. “This is fantastic! Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this magnificent 68- piece set of glassware!”
“I don’t want any bloody glasses”, the drunk replied. “Give me another one of those little crusty meat pies!”
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Read all jokes from: Bear (+406)
Q: Why do polo bears like bald men?
A: Because they have a great, white, bear place!
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Read all jokes from: Bar (+1637), Horse (+16)
A horse walks into a bar.
Bartender says, “So, why the long face?”
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