Read all jokes from: Parrot (+42)
A middle- aged man recieves a brazillian parrot for his birthday. The only problem with this parrot is its attitude due to the influence of its former owner, who is now a deceased truck driver. The parrot loves to swear up and down at everything it sees.
One day the man comes home with a gorgeous woman for a candle lit dinner. The first thing the parrot says is ” Hey bitch how much for a handjob”. She takes one look at our middle- aged friend, and runs out the door.
The next night, our friend is visited by his mother.
The parrot opens up with,”I’ll suck that crusty coin- slot crack of yours for a senior citizen discount, if you lose that over- the- shoulder- boulder- holder, and wiggle those droopy dum dums for me. Our friend recieves a smack that leaves a fire- engine- red print, followed by a future threat from his father.
Well our frustrated friend can stands no more. He grabs the little motherfucker and throws it into the freezer.
After about 15 minutes of swearing and kicking from the bad bird, all is quiet. Another 5 min of silence passes by. Our friend gets curious and opens the fridge.
The bird calmly perches on his finger.
“Have you learned your lesson?”, he sternly said.
All the parrot can say is “I sure have. I just have one question. What the Fuck happened to the chicken?
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Read all jokes from: Animals (+5201)
Q: Which side of an Arctic Tern has the most feathers?
A: The outside!
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Read all jokes from: Animals (+5201)
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.
The chicken, with a satisfied smile on it’s face, is leaning up against the headboard smoking a ciggy.
The egg, looking pissed off, grabs the sheets, rolls over, and says “Well I guess we just answered THAT question!”
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Read all jokes from: Animals (+5201)
On reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him.
He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks, “And get me a whisky, you cow!”
The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.
When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls “And get me another whisky you witch!”
Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man tries the parrot’s approach. “I’ve asked you twice for a coffee! Go and get it now or I’ll kick your ass!”
Suddenly, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards.
Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says…
“For someone who can’t fly, you sure are a ballsy bastard!”
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Read all jokes from: Animals (+5201)
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and
passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a
little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the
crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said “I
wish you could talk.”
The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and
down.
“You can understand what I’m saying?” asked the officer.
Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.
“Well, did you see this?”
“Yes,” motioned the monkey.
“What happened?”
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it
up by his mouth.
“They were drinking?” asked the officer.
“Yes.”
“What else?”
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his
mouth.
“They were smoking marijuana?”
“Yes.”
“What else?”
The monkey motioned “Screwing.”
“They were screwing, too?” asked the astounded officer.
“Yes.”
“Now wait, you’re saying your owners were drinking, smoking
and screwing before they wrecked.”
“Yes.”
“What were you doing during all this?”
“Driving” motioned the monkey.
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Read all jokes from: Animals (+5201)
The manager of a large city zoo was drafting a letter to order a pair of animals. He sat at his computer and typed the following sentence: “I would like to place an order for two mongooses, to be delivered at your earliest convenience.”
He stared at the screen, focusing on that odd word mongooses. Then he deleted the word and added another, so that the sentence now read: “I would like to place an order for two mongeese, to be delivered at your earliest convenience.”
Again he stared at the screen, this time focusing on the new word, which seemed just as odd as the original one. Finally, he deleted the whole sentence and started all over. “Everyone knows no full- stocked zoo should be without a mongoose,” he typed. “Please send us two of them.”
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Read all jokes from: Animals (+5201)
The mail carrier had a registered letter that needed a signature for a party on his route. Receiving no response to his knock on the front door, he went around to the back door which he found open, except for the screen door. He knocked. A high pitch voice from inside said, “Come in.”
Upon entering the kitchen, he was confronted by the largest German Shepard he had ever seen. The dog bared his fangs menacingly, forcing the mail man against the wall. The mail man shouted, “Lady, call off you dog before he eats me alive.”
The only response he got was that same high pitch voice coming from the next room saying, “Come in.”
Pressing his body against the wall, he slowly worked his way to the door way leading to the next room. Looking around, he saw the room was empty, except for a parrot in a cage. After the threat from the huge dog, he was becoming quite irate and said to the parrot.
“Darn you, don’t you know any words besides ‘Come in?”
Without a moments hesitation the parrot responded, “Sic him!”
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Read all jokes from: Animals (+5201)
How to Hunt Elephants – Senior Manager Style
Senior managers set broad elephant hunting policy based on
the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but
with deeper voices.
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Read all jokes from: Bear (+406)
Q: What do polar bears have between their teeth?
A: Slow Squallhoots.
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Read all jokes from: Cat (+694)
Dear Dog,
I am so sorry about you being sent to the dog pound for the broken lamp which you did not break; the fish you did not spill; and the carpet that you did not wet; or the wall that you did not dirty with red paint…
Things here at the house are calmer now, and just to show you that I have no hard feelings towards you, I am sending you a picture, so you will always remember me.
Best regards,
The Cat
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